A storm whips tree branches at the bedroom window. Troubled sleeping causes my body to sweat profusely. I dream of a house at the top of the hill, spooky and dark. Up the drive I float and see inside the window of the strange third floor. A giant shadow cast on the wall raises an object and thrashes down into a cloud of black. I wake and gasp, clutching my heart. My head is aching when I move to check the time on the alarm clock. Bright red numbers glare at my pupils. I can sleep for a few more hours, if I can fall back asleep. Feeling wide awake, I throw my legs over the side of the bed and hold my pounding head. My hair feels horrible. It's hot and wet with anxiety sweat. What did I even dream about? I stumble into the bathroom to take a piss, grabbing a few pills and cupping water from the faucet first. I stare into the toilet, noting the water changing color with the addition of my fluids. I don't bother flushing or washing my hands. In the kitchen, I heat up water on the stove for tea. Rifling through the tin proves to be boring and I dread making a decision. The kettle whistles and I choose a tea at random. Unable to shake a strange anger inside. The rain is falling softly while I sit at the kitchen table with the hot cup, waiting for the tea to steep. Staring at the floor I find my thoughts slow and pained. I sit here long enough for the tea to get cold. Staring at the floor. I realize the time and take heavy feet upstairs. I get back into bed, cover my body and close my eyes. I drift off quickly with the sound of the leaves sopping against the glass.
The alarm sounds loud, waking me. The sun has come up already and with it, rays of light shine through the tree in the front yard, across the floor, illuminating the bathroom door. I smash the alarm buttons to get them to shut up and lay back down. Swallowing hard, I look up at the ceiling. Being alone all the time is solace and bliss but, after a weird night of sleep, it feels strange and unfulfilling. It's been almost a year since Ellie has left me. I can't tell if I hate that she left me or that there's no one here or if I hate that I haven't moved on more. Rising, I go about my routine. It's summer so I shower first, noting my hair is matted and uncooperative. Everything seems bare in here. There's no longer any weird soaps and candles laying around. Just one size fits all man's soap in the shower. I turn it on mildly warm and wonder if I should buy a new shower curtain. Scrubbing deep with my fingers feels amazing on my head and I smile without teeth. Washing my balls proves to be arousing this morning so I spend some time there. Rinsing all the way off, shower is done in under five minutes. I brush my teeth, then take a shit and read a magazine. Something that was left from over a year ago. I curl it into a tube and toss it down to the floor. The top drawer has a few pairs of boxer briefs. I grab a pair at random, go to the next drawer, grab a white shirt, then pull on the pants left in a pile on the floor from yesterday. I pull on clean socks from the drawer while sitting down on the edge of the bed. It bounces a little in response. I rub my face, wondering if I should have shaved, while scratching the stubble on my chin. I duck at the bottom of the stairs to the kitchen, seeing the mug I left on the table from a few hours before. I grab the black hi-tops waiting by the door and shove my feet in. I never unlace them so it only takes a few moments. Now, I am ready. I stare at the wall for awhile, thinking about the dream I barely remember. I just remember the feeling.
I pull my keys off the counter and slip them into my pocket as I walk to the front door. I don't bother locking the dead bolt but switch the door handle to lock. Birds are chirping and the sun is warm on my bare arms. I let it in, soaking up the vitamins as I walk down the sidewalk towards town. The neighborhood is small and uneventful. I take no notice of how I feel about it and walk on. A yellow bus approaches from ahead and stops in front of a house. I see a woman getting her kids on the bus and waving as it drives by. As I get closer, I see it's Sara. Her hand falls at her side before she sees my face. I wave, halfheartedly, and muster up a smile. She waves then flicks me off and turns on her heels. Fair enough, I think to myself. I keep walking and pass a few people, smiling and waving as I go. I glance across the street when I get to town at Pop's place but can't see anyone inside the glass windows because of the sun's reflections. Turning towards the glass door of the record shop, I reach into my pocket to find the keys. I let myself in and drop the keys by the door. I reach to pick them up as a flash of a woman walks by me quickly. I turn the long way to follow her but she is down the sidewalk before I recognize her. I can hear Mr. Straub in his office, clearing his throat. Before I could call out to ask him who was inside the store before we opened, my best friend walked through the door. The bells jingle loud against the glass and I jump slightly.
"For fuck's sake, Alo!" I frown at him.
"Oy, relax- I've only come and brought you breaky, ya twat." Alo's thick accent hasn't wavered in all the years I have known him, despite living in America for over a decade.
"Alright, thanks. Whatcha got?" My mood changes when I smell buttery bread.
"Reckon, Pop thinks you're out right starvin ye-self since Ellie?" Alo tosses the brown bag at me and I catch it easily. I open up the bag and pull out a white paper wrapped sandwich. My stomach grumbles.
"Don't know, man. Either way, I accept his pity." I unwrap and take a large bite, making noises of pleasure that Alo turns his face to.
"I think ye might be starvin for a different kind of love, ya know what I mean, mate?" He winks at me and gestures to the sandwich. I chew a few more times, thinking then catch the meaning.
"Eh, fuck off." I say with a mouth full of croissant sandwich.
"Yea, I bet you are keen to that, then, aren't ya?" He winks again and I throw the bag at him. He bats it away and it falls to the ground.
"What are you boys doing fucking around out here?" Mr. Straub had appeared in the office doorway without us noticing.
"Oh, we aren't, sir. Alo just brought me a sandwich from Pop." I reach down and pick up the bag, throwing it in the trash next to the register. Mr. Straub nods and wanders back into his office. I raise my eyebrows at Alo and he suppresses a laugh before turning to the door.
"I'm serious, mate, you are looking sad these days. Every-fing all right?" Alo did look concerned but I wondered how sincere it was considering my mom probably sent him over.
"I'm good, dude. Promise. Well fed and everything." I gesture the sandwich towards him. He nods and waves as he heads to the door.
"Laters." He says as he pushes the door and the bells jingle at the glass.
I finish my sandwich as I'm opening up the shop for the day. A few kids come in and listen to records with the headphones hanging on hooks throughout the day. Each time they leave without buying anything and I walk over and sanitize the headphones before replacing them on the hooks. A little more than halfway through the shift, Mr. Straub waltzes to the register, gesturing he takes over so I can go to lunch.
"Thanks, sir. You want anything?" I say while he nods his head no. I check the outside of my jeans for the keys inside, just in case Mr. Straub closes up for the hour and wave on my way out. The bells jingle and I look both ways before crossing the street. It's fairly busy at this time of day. I look at people without being noticed while I make my way to Pop's Place. I walk in and sit at the counter, as usual.
I see Lucy from behind, bent over looking to restock some straws in her apron pocket. The afternoon crowd is about to die down so most of the tables are empty but in need of wiping down. The bus boy is nowhere to be found, probably enjoying a smoke break before clean up.
"What's up, Luce." I say as I sit down on the spinning stool. She turns and sees me before standing upright. She's chewing gum loudly, letting her teeth smack.
"Oh, hey, Sam." She smiles between her bright pink lipstick. Leaning over the counter, I can see down her uniform and she knows I am looking. I smile at her, feeling casual about being caught. My mom comes out of the back and sees me. She takes another route, around the counter and opens her arms for a hug. Lucy frowns and turns her body towards some dirty dishes left behind the seat next to me.
"Lucy, button your blouse, come on." My mom scolds her and Lucy smiles as she follows her order.
"Sorry, ma'am." The way she replies raises my eyebrow. It seemed more than just mocking, although I couldn't be entirely sure. I just felt it. Mom's eyes move to me and she sits next to me.
"How are you doing, Sam?" She smiles at me warmly.
"I'm fine, mom, seriously." She is studying my face waiting for me to tell her some inner secret that doesn't exist. Even if it did, she didn't ask. "I am. I'm fine. How are you? Hows Pop?"
She turns away and looks at Lucy, who is clearly hanging around to hear our conversation. Lucy is organizing her receipts further down on the counter and pretends not to notice mom looking.
"Oh, you know. I'm fine. He's fine."
"Brov, you came to visit? Cheeky git, whataya having, then?" Alo calls from behind the grill. I swore I heard something in Mom's tone but I didn't know what. Alo's interruption causes it to go to another part of my brain and I smile at him. I give him a captain's salute.
"Whatever is on special works, dude." I call out to him. He nods and adjusts his worn baseball cap with a Led Zepplin symbol on it. His hair is to his chin, dark brown and smooth. It doesn't look all that great under his cap but, without it, he looks kind of cool with long hair. Lucy frowns at him and scolds, "Change your fucking gloves, dude." Alo makes a mocking face and repeats her under his breath. Lucy rolls her eyes and gets back to her recipts. Mom says nothing about their bickering since they have been working together and bickering for years. She gives me a weak smile then squeezes my shoulder before walking to the back to find the office.
I watch the bus boy clean up tables one at a time while Lucy counts her tips. She wanders over before my food is ready. She sets down a glass of water with rolled up silverware. She leans on her elbows, sticking her ass out and smiles at me while chomping her gum. Her skinny frame doesn't fill too much of her dress in the front but I look again, anyway. She smiles at me.
"What's up, Luce?" I repeat. She smiles at me harder and looks at me coyly.
"Not much, Sam. Need anything else for now?" She replies with meaning.
"Maybe. What are you up to later?" I ask cautiously. She looks down and laughs softly.
"Well, Sam, that depends, now doesn't it?" She has a pen in her hand and taps it to her lips.
"On what, exactly?"
"Hm. Check in on me later. I'll be at the exit at some point." She winks and gestures towards the kitchen doors in the direction of the employee entrance. The double doors to the back swing open with Alo carrying my lunch. Lucy moves aside slightly so Alo can set down the plate. Alo watches her ass while she heads to the back and pushes the double doors to the kitchen. Alo makes a noise.
"Reckon she needs someone to help her wif 'er exit, then?" Alo gestures with his pelvis towards her.
"Fuck off, Alo. I'm sure she's messing around with some asshole." I unfold my rolled napkin, not waiting for a response.
"Yea, I bet you're right. Probably some right dickhead." Alo is still looking in the direction of the kitchen as if she were still there. I make an unphased face and begin eating lunch. Alo taps on the counter with the back of his knuckles and begins to walk away. "Enjoy, mate." He says briefly catching my eye as he turns. He's always been tall and lanky, with a bad slouch. As if he can make himself any smaller. He's well over six feet tall and towers over most people. He's never been as lucky with girls as I have been. I can't remember him ever having a girlfriend or talking about anyone in particular. He just always seems to grossly hit on girls and they turn him down. I wonder if he's still a virgin as I take a few more bites. He told me he lost it years ago but I still wonder if it's the truth. Despite his attitude, he's a really nice guy with a big heart. I think most girls fail to see it though since he's always making a joke about their ass. I am in the restaurant alone wondering how almost everyone I know is under the same roof and I'm sitting here by myself. The bus boy is texting rather than clearing tables. He sits himself down in a booth to use both thumbs. I finish my lunch and lay money down on the counter before leaving.
The door is unlocked to the shop but when I enter, Mr. Straub isn't at the register. The place is deserted. This is the slow part of the day until school lets out. I spend the time restocking and ordering new comics for next month. I spin the racks and turn the music up a little louder. The bells are loud enough either way. No one comes in for the rest of the day because it's early in the nice days after the rainy spring, so I close up a few minutes early. Across the street, Pop's Place is just starting to pick up. I see Lucy with her dress too short smiling and chewing gum. I wonder if she has the same piece from earlier or if she got a new piece. How does she chew so much and not get tired of it? I walk home and marvel at the sun still holding onto the sky. Kids are playing in a few yards, chasing each other across driveways and circling to the backyard. Their screams of enjoyment make me smile. School will be out in a few weeks and then the store will be crowded all day. There's not many places to hang out for teenagers around here. I see Ellie across the street with her boyfriend and I look down at the ground. She always looks beautiful, even when frowning. I can't help but take another look at her. Her boyfriend catches my eye and puts an arm around her. I wave without lifting my arm too much and he nods upwards in a condescending sort of way. I look back at the ground.
Seeing them reminds me of what I put Ellie through in high school. We met when we sat next to each other in European History. She was really smart and seemed to always know the answers. I always had trouble remembering what king went to what year and what country. I basically fucked it all up. She helped me study. She took pity on me and my poor grades. I would smile weakly when we got our quizzes back and I could see her A across the desks. She would try to look at mine but I would cup my hand over the D. She would smile at me and peek over my hand. She offered to help me, coming over to Pop's Place and meeting me in a booth by the corner window. That first day she brushed her hand against mine looking for a loose paper under the stack and I feel for her deeply. She smiled at me and blushed while apologizing. I saw in her eyes some true softness that I didn't understand at the time. I understand it now, almost two decades later. I fucking suck.
When I get home, I check the fridge. There's nothing really in there so I shut the door and order pizza. I sit on the couch and wait for it to arrive, turning on the TV and clicking around the channels. After a few hours, I get bored and think about Lucy. It has been awhile and she is always down to hang out. I toss a ball in the air and catch it a few times while laying down, wondering if I should let it go. I sit up and stretch. I could just go for a walk, and if I end up in the parking lot of Pop's Place and she happens to be there, then cool. I check my watch. It's a little after closing which means if they were slow, she'll be gone. If they were busy, she may still be there but, may be tired and tease me while turning me down. That sounds exciting so I slide my shoes back on and head out the door. It's still light out but dusk is approaching. I walk causally, vowing to let fate determine what happens next. The lights are off at Pop's so I walk around the side to the back to see if anyone is left in the parking lot. It's deserted except for Pop's car and I continue towards the park. I cut through some bushes and get to the clearing. The RV park is nearby and I hear people yelling at each other in between screen door slamming. A dog barks, followed up by a response of other dogs nearby. There's a strange smell in the air but I ignore it and stare at the sky. There's lots of clouds and they are covering the stars. The streetlamps turn on ahead of me. One flickers nearby. The orange hue is stifling my star gazing so I head back towards my apartment.
I wake up at my alarm again. Bright light shines on the floor at the foot of my bed and stretches to the bathroom door. Laying on my back, I stare up at the ceiling tracing the cracks in the plaster.
The door is unlocked to the shop but when I enter, Mr. Straub isn't at the register. The place is deserted. This is the slow part of the day until school lets out. I spend the time restocking and ordering new comics for next month. I spin the racks and turn the music up a little louder. The bells are loud enough either way. No one comes in for the rest of the day because it's early in the nice days after the rainy spring, so I close up a few minutes early. Across the street, Pop's Place is just starting to pick up. I see Lucy with her dress too short smiling and chewing gum. I wonder if she has the same piece from earlier or if she got a new piece. How does she chew so much and not get tired of it? I walk home and marvel at the sun still holding onto the sky. Kids are playing in a few yards, chasing each other across driveways and circling to the backyard. Their screams of enjoyment make me smile. School will be out in a few weeks and then the store will be crowded all day. There's not many places to hang out for teenagers around here. I see Ellie across the street with her boyfriend and I look down at the ground. She always looks beautiful, even when frowning. I can't help but take another look at her. Her boyfriend catches my eye and puts an arm around her. I wave without lifting my arm too much and he nods upwards in a condescending sort of way. I look back at the ground.
Seeing them reminds me of what I put Ellie through in high school. We met when we sat next to each other in European History. She was really smart and seemed to always know the answers. I always had trouble remembering what king went to what year and what country. I basically fucked it all up. She helped me study. She took pity on me and my poor grades. I would smile weakly when we got our quizzes back and I could see her A across the desks. She would try to look at mine but I would cup my hand over the D. She would smile at me and peek over my hand. She offered to help me, coming over to Pop's Place and meeting me in a booth by the corner window. That first day she brushed her hand against mine looking for a loose paper under the stack and I feel for her deeply. She smiled at me and blushed while apologizing. I saw in her eyes some true softness that I didn't understand at the time. I understand it now, almost two decades later. I fucking suck.
When I get home, I check the fridge. There's nothing really in there so I shut the door and order pizza. I sit on the couch and wait for it to arrive, turning on the TV and clicking around the channels. After a few hours, I get bored and think about Lucy. It has been awhile and she is always down to hang out. I toss a ball in the air and catch it a few times while laying down, wondering if I should let it go. I sit up and stretch. I could just go for a walk, and if I end up in the parking lot of Pop's Place and she happens to be there, then cool. I check my watch. It's a little after closing which means if they were slow, she'll be gone. If they were busy, she may still be there but, may be tired and tease me while turning me down. That sounds exciting so I slide my shoes back on and head out the door. It's still light out but dusk is approaching. I walk causally, vowing to let fate determine what happens next. The lights are off at Pop's so I walk around the side to the back to see if anyone is left in the parking lot. It's deserted except for Pop's car and I continue towards the park. I cut through some bushes and get to the clearing. The RV park is nearby and I hear people yelling at each other in between screen door slamming. A dog barks, followed up by a response of other dogs nearby. There's a strange smell in the air but I ignore it and stare at the sky. There's lots of clouds and they are covering the stars. The streetlamps turn on ahead of me. One flickers nearby. The orange hue is stifling my star gazing so I head back towards my apartment.
I wake up at my alarm again. Bright light shines on the floor at the foot of my bed and stretches to the bathroom door. Laying on my back, I stare up at the ceiling tracing the cracks in the plaster.
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