I get it. It has taken me a long time and I'm grateful to just be here for a moment. To understand myself for once. To interpret my actions without attachments. Have you ever heard that saying that hurt people, hurt people? Hurting people causes people to hurt, who then cause people to hurt. Not everyone has the insight to stop the cycle. You may not even know you hurt someone because you are so hurt. You can't interpret that passage of energy. It takes a really rare soul to be able to take that pain, that hurt, and transform it into something else. It takes an even rarer soul to be able to transform that into love- truly. To take a hurt and not just hold onto it, not pass it on, to take it and let it go for someone else. I feel like maybe you can do that. I'm not sure. I think it depends. Maybe everyone has the capacity to do it, hard to tell. Does it then feel like people use you because you are able to just feel their feelings? I always had an issue with what to do with the feelings after I felt them for other people. I still struggle. I think I'm on a path, though, and I'm beginning to see what I need to do.
It's not an excuse. It's an explanation, for myself. I was hurt so I hurt. I felt rejected. I assume it is some deeper seeded thing with feeling like I was annoying either of my siblings or my parents didn't have the time and they kept pushing me away but it just made me more clingy. I can see the pattern. Looking at all my life, seeing it echo backwards, the issue getting smaller and smaller as I go. But, that hurt. I subconsciously allowed others to dictate when they were able to give me love and it was an either or situation. Flood or drought. I could not be okay with in between. I was used to getting lots of attention or not enough. It was inconsistent and therefore, I looked for inconsistent love. Someone who would give me everything, then take it away without a moment's notice. I struggle with allowing things to progress in a natural way. Usually, I'm looking to jump into something immediately, to enjoy all the stuff that should come with time, later. I find love so easily because it is an unhealthy love. I didn't understand real love when I found it in my past. It was usually the people that I met (and rejected because they didn't have the capacity to stretch me beyond my limits of hurt) that I should have turned to. For this, I sometimes don't know the right answer. I'm getting better at recognizing it, but that proof for others is to be determined for the future.
I was taken advantage of emotionally. I gave all of my love and care, being a tiny therapist for years to my family, then to my friends. I deeply love to care for people and give advice. However, it is not my profession. I gave it out unsolicited for years, seeing what other people could work on, not realizing I needed to help myself. Now, I am. I feel I have gotten a lot better at this as well. Not perfect, not claiming to be. But, being more empathetic in guiding others just as I treat myself with more kindness has lead me to feel better, build better relationships, and see where I should take steps back. These are all things I should have learned so long ago. But, as long as I am here now, it truly doesn't matter.
I was taken advantage of sexually. When I was old enough to give my own consent, I gave it out to almost anyone who wanted it and as a result, I was empty. I had the opportunity to say yes or no but since I had already a skewed view of how relationships worked from seeing my parents and family around me- I wasn't aware that saying yes to other people was hurting me. I have a few relationships that stick out in my mind. I started off with a really sweet, loving, kind, empathetic person who was wildly independent and not unlike myself. He didn't know how much work I needed and I didn't realize the depth of his depression, either. I still love him. I care about him despite time and distance. True love will do that to you. There were so many lessons for me to learn with him that I really did not get until recently. Perhaps, I may have known what to do but was clouded in my judgment, leading by impulsive drive to make noise. It was not pleasant noise. I broke his heart. I broke mine. We were kids but I still regret how I acted. Ah, well. It brought me to where I am today, either way. The next person I gave my heart to held onto it for many years. To save myself the crazy, I walled up and blocked him from my life. I will never intentionally contact him ever again. That pain I took with me going into my next relationship meant that I had a lot to heal. I was barely eighteen and had way too much love and hurt to understand how to move forward. He was so sweet. I still love him as well. I wonder if he feels the same or if he only remembers how I hurt him. I feel his pain in the last few weeks and I cried imagining how he must be feeling now (not about me). Empathy is hard but so necessary. The next key relationship fucked me up like the second one I had. I don't want to say that anyone else I was with didn't have some sort of part in my story, they did. I remember them all. The surfboard, pizza shops, pottery, so many concerts. I remember their smells and how awful and wonderful the amount of time we spent together was- but, they didn't make me pause and reflect now. The love didn't go that deep. The pain may have been felt but they were just echos of the past. My journey took me elsewhere.
For these pains and so many more, I view this trauma like an addiction. I'm addicted to loving with everything I have and being left with nothing. I then mirror that pain into shitty treatment and leaving them feeling bad for loving me. I put so many attachments onto other people that looking back I just want to scream at myself. I won't. I've felt that pain on repeat for years. I've felt mine and all the others doubling down on my hurt. It's time to let that pain go. But, that doesn't mean that I don't still have some inside. It doesn't mean that I won't still let it out on myself or others. It just means that I look at it like an addiction. I slip up from time to time. I am so engulfed in feeling all the pain that I have endured and caused that I am debilitated. I do not need a relationship. I need friends. I feel that for a long time I needed a friend that felt like a relationship but I am not sure I need that anymore. Sometimes, I do. I just over all feel like it causes too much hurt and chaos in the meantime. In it all, I have realized what I want and it is: time. I need more time to sort through all of this. I am reminded constantly to clear out this pain and not put it on anyone else. Not even myself. It's not easy. It gets easier, though.
I've been a shell for a long time. Just going through the motions and not understanding myself at my core. Acting in a way that is what other people expected or wanted from me. Not my true self. I realized this and it sent me into a weird place. I was pained and hurt and not myself and I had to REBUILD. I had to be in situations, hurt and vulnerable, and survive. But, I had to do it as ME this time. That was the scariest thing in my life. That was the hard part. The easy part should be being me. Not allowing rejection or pain or expectations be in the way of how I treat myself or others. I don't need other people to make this decision for me. I don't need other people to tell me how they feel first so I can adjust. No. That is not up to them. It is up to me. This may have been the longest processing I have done in a long time and I am just grateful to be where I am right now.
Some thoughts to explore later after I read it from third person: Hurt people attract hurt people. If you have people in your life that are hurting you, take a moment and think about that because it is a reflection of pain you feel inside yourself. People who aren't hurt tend to steer clear of people who hurt. It's not entirely conscious. If all your relationships feel hard then you probably have some pain you need to figure out. If all your relationships feel easy except that ONE then it may be a time to reassess why that person is in pain and look for the ways you can let go of that pain inside of YOU. Yeah, that's right- look for it and let it go. You may find that when you come to the conclusion there, that person might not be in your life anymore. Because maybe you aren't hurting from it anymore but they are so that is not on you to figure out.
It's not an excuse. It's an explanation, for myself. I was hurt so I hurt. I felt rejected. I assume it is some deeper seeded thing with feeling like I was annoying either of my siblings or my parents didn't have the time and they kept pushing me away but it just made me more clingy. I can see the pattern. Looking at all my life, seeing it echo backwards, the issue getting smaller and smaller as I go. But, that hurt. I subconsciously allowed others to dictate when they were able to give me love and it was an either or situation. Flood or drought. I could not be okay with in between. I was used to getting lots of attention or not enough. It was inconsistent and therefore, I looked for inconsistent love. Someone who would give me everything, then take it away without a moment's notice. I struggle with allowing things to progress in a natural way. Usually, I'm looking to jump into something immediately, to enjoy all the stuff that should come with time, later. I find love so easily because it is an unhealthy love. I didn't understand real love when I found it in my past. It was usually the people that I met (and rejected because they didn't have the capacity to stretch me beyond my limits of hurt) that I should have turned to. For this, I sometimes don't know the right answer. I'm getting better at recognizing it, but that proof for others is to be determined for the future.
I was taken advantage of emotionally. I gave all of my love and care, being a tiny therapist for years to my family, then to my friends. I deeply love to care for people and give advice. However, it is not my profession. I gave it out unsolicited for years, seeing what other people could work on, not realizing I needed to help myself. Now, I am. I feel I have gotten a lot better at this as well. Not perfect, not claiming to be. But, being more empathetic in guiding others just as I treat myself with more kindness has lead me to feel better, build better relationships, and see where I should take steps back. These are all things I should have learned so long ago. But, as long as I am here now, it truly doesn't matter.
I was taken advantage of sexually. When I was old enough to give my own consent, I gave it out to almost anyone who wanted it and as a result, I was empty. I had the opportunity to say yes or no but since I had already a skewed view of how relationships worked from seeing my parents and family around me- I wasn't aware that saying yes to other people was hurting me. I have a few relationships that stick out in my mind. I started off with a really sweet, loving, kind, empathetic person who was wildly independent and not unlike myself. He didn't know how much work I needed and I didn't realize the depth of his depression, either. I still love him. I care about him despite time and distance. True love will do that to you. There were so many lessons for me to learn with him that I really did not get until recently. Perhaps, I may have known what to do but was clouded in my judgment, leading by impulsive drive to make noise. It was not pleasant noise. I broke his heart. I broke mine. We were kids but I still regret how I acted. Ah, well. It brought me to where I am today, either way. The next person I gave my heart to held onto it for many years. To save myself the crazy, I walled up and blocked him from my life. I will never intentionally contact him ever again. That pain I took with me going into my next relationship meant that I had a lot to heal. I was barely eighteen and had way too much love and hurt to understand how to move forward. He was so sweet. I still love him as well. I wonder if he feels the same or if he only remembers how I hurt him. I feel his pain in the last few weeks and I cried imagining how he must be feeling now (not about me). Empathy is hard but so necessary. The next key relationship fucked me up like the second one I had. I don't want to say that anyone else I was with didn't have some sort of part in my story, they did. I remember them all. The surfboard, pizza shops, pottery, so many concerts. I remember their smells and how awful and wonderful the amount of time we spent together was- but, they didn't make me pause and reflect now. The love didn't go that deep. The pain may have been felt but they were just echos of the past. My journey took me elsewhere.
For these pains and so many more, I view this trauma like an addiction. I'm addicted to loving with everything I have and being left with nothing. I then mirror that pain into shitty treatment and leaving them feeling bad for loving me. I put so many attachments onto other people that looking back I just want to scream at myself. I won't. I've felt that pain on repeat for years. I've felt mine and all the others doubling down on my hurt. It's time to let that pain go. But, that doesn't mean that I don't still have some inside. It doesn't mean that I won't still let it out on myself or others. It just means that I look at it like an addiction. I slip up from time to time. I am so engulfed in feeling all the pain that I have endured and caused that I am debilitated. I do not need a relationship. I need friends. I feel that for a long time I needed a friend that felt like a relationship but I am not sure I need that anymore. Sometimes, I do. I just over all feel like it causes too much hurt and chaos in the meantime. In it all, I have realized what I want and it is: time. I need more time to sort through all of this. I am reminded constantly to clear out this pain and not put it on anyone else. Not even myself. It's not easy. It gets easier, though.
I've been a shell for a long time. Just going through the motions and not understanding myself at my core. Acting in a way that is what other people expected or wanted from me. Not my true self. I realized this and it sent me into a weird place. I was pained and hurt and not myself and I had to REBUILD. I had to be in situations, hurt and vulnerable, and survive. But, I had to do it as ME this time. That was the scariest thing in my life. That was the hard part. The easy part should be being me. Not allowing rejection or pain or expectations be in the way of how I treat myself or others. I don't need other people to make this decision for me. I don't need other people to tell me how they feel first so I can adjust. No. That is not up to them. It is up to me. This may have been the longest processing I have done in a long time and I am just grateful to be where I am right now.
Some thoughts to explore later after I read it from third person: Hurt people attract hurt people. If you have people in your life that are hurting you, take a moment and think about that because it is a reflection of pain you feel inside yourself. People who aren't hurt tend to steer clear of people who hurt. It's not entirely conscious. If all your relationships feel hard then you probably have some pain you need to figure out. If all your relationships feel easy except that ONE then it may be a time to reassess why that person is in pain and look for the ways you can let go of that pain inside of YOU. Yeah, that's right- look for it and let it go. You may find that when you come to the conclusion there, that person might not be in your life anymore. Because maybe you aren't hurting from it anymore but they are so that is not on you to figure out.
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