Gooey

When you have nothing, that is the time to take stock of what is important. I have found myself countless times without and wanting with ego. I wanted love, I wanted affection, I wanted validation, I wanted to look the best. I wanted to be better than everyone. All the things that ego tells you is important. Those are the places I should have been looking. Not at what the ego wants, but why? Why did I need love? Affection? Validation? Why do looks matter? Do I imagine anyone is higher than anyone else? Then why should I be? The process of sorting out all of these feelings took a very long time. A lot of self reflection. A lot of self care. A lot of help from loved ones reminding me of what I should have already known. I was missing me. I needed me. I needed my love. My affection. My own validation. I needed to be the best me. I needed to be healthy. The more I looked into past reflections, the more I discovered how truly toxic I had been. It took me a long time to be okay with how I treated others. How I allowed others to treat me. It took a long time to come back from all of that with a clear mind, and a full heart. Loving yourself is the most important thing to do when you are without. I began asking myself, what do I need right now? What sounds good to me? Those seem like such simple questions. At the time, I had no idea who I was. I had to figure it out. From the inside out. I couldn't ask other people who I was. I could look to those around me for guidance, but I needed to make the first steps. I remembered the things I loved doing as I grew up. I remembered the parts of me that I had quieted. I remembered the parts of me that I had forgot existed as a part of me. It was painful. Incredibly painful. I was mad at myself. I was mad at others. Why did I distract myself? Why did I allow others to distract me? Why did I feel like I needed to be everything for other people and lose myself so deeply that I didn't recognize myself anymore? All of these questions I asked myself, lay in bed meditating, sometimes barely getting out of bed for hours on end. I wrote. A lot. I found it really helpful to put the words on paper. To see where I was at mentally. I felt like a tree full of leaves and suddenly all the leaves were gone. It was scary. I felt naked. Alone. Cold. But, then I realized, I don't have to put all the leaves back. I can just grow new leaves. The leaves that I want. The leaves that I need. I had the power inside of myself to fill my own gaps. I began to notice when I would hesitate. When I would get frustrated. When I felt guilty. I kept asking myself questions. I can't say I was always making the right choices while I worked through all of this. I certainly wasn't as practiced as now. And still. I am human. I can only do so much. But, the point is that I worked on it. I continue to. I needed to wipe the slate clean and when I refused, the universe did it for me. Pulled the rug out from under me. Again. And again. And again. Until I got it. Ahhhh.... I see. There it is. I wasn't meant to react this way. I understand, now. It is so very hard to destroy your life. To start saying "no" when you always say yes. To stop controlling when you feel out of control. But, once you do, you find peace. I was always in verbal fights. I had to fight to say "no" and to back away. I had to make everyone around me understand that I am different now. But, they didn't get it. They couldn't see the subtle change I had made. Some people in my life still don't understand. When I speak with them, I feel as though it takes all of my strength not to tell them to stop and think about how they speak to me. I don't. I just let it go. I can't be there for everyone else. They need to be there for themselves. They will get it. When it is time to. It is not my job. For now, I find peace in knowing I make decisions for me. I don't need to justify anything. I don't need to answer to anyone but myself. I am proud of who I am and I love myself. That is the most peaceful gift I have ever received.