Every stressful situation has an outcome. I see the patterns emerge from people. We are out of control. Some are dealing better than others. I see the people who get energy from crowds are suffering the most. They crave attention. New energy. They want to see and feel the happiness on other's faces while they grace the world with all they have to offer. What is the point of having an energy like a puppy if there's no one to jump on? I feel that the shy types, the ones who would rather be a wallflower than a participant, are fairing the best. They are taking this time to read the stack of books around the house. They are taking long baths and enjoying the company of themselves. Maybe a cat, too. Or, maybe, like me, the cat is even too much people. The people who want to help, seem to find a way. They are donating time, money, making masks, preparing food, going grocery/errand/medicine shopping for people. Their lives are shifting into helping others who can't help themselves. Some are loud about it. They post themselves helping others or share links on how to join in on the gamble of interacting with strangers. Some are quietly helping, you'd never know that they spend hours pricking themselves with pins, tired from their day job of being essential and leaving the house. Some people are parents. They aren't fairing well, generally, either. Like me, they are probably torn between needing a lot of solitary time to process all of the happenings around them, balancing their still busy lives (despite cutting things out) and trying to keep their children occupied. All the while, grateful and resentful of their beautiful, bored children. There are people out there trying to keep the peace within their families. Growing weary of the constant battles. The belittlement. The anger that seems to arise when you spend too much time seeing the same scenery.
A lot of people are finding out just what they need to work on. What is coming up for you?
Emotions are running high in every aspect. Do you tend to shut down? Get sad? Are you boiling with anger and can't wait to explode on someone or something? Are you being constantly triggered? Anxious for the future? Hopeful?
I am all of the above. I'm all of those people. We all are. Collectively speaking.
I am feeling inspired. I am choosing to take this opportunity to lay on the couch and binge watch tv with my children. I don't always get the chance to not feel guilty. Nothing is open. It's raining and chilly. So, we sit on the couch. I let them watch their ipads for hours on end. I get them bowl after plate after cup of snacks. I don't worry about it spoiling their future. They will bounce back. If I could eat cold hot dogs with ketchup most days of the week to turn out drinking green juice everyday- anyone can. Some days, I feel like I will scream at the top of my lungs (and even rarer- I do) so I bundle the kids up and we walk in the rain. I let them splash in puddles until their lips start quivering, and I haul them, screaming for more time, straight home to the bathtub and fill it up with hot water and watch them splash all over the floor. I lay down 2 towels and disappear on my phone. I lay in bed and let them scream and laugh until they are prunes. We all cope differently. None of it is wrong.
So, why is this any different when there isn't a quarantine? Is life so certain otherwise? Is there more stability in knowing you will die someday, possibly in a horrible way, or suddenly? Life isn't much different for me. I am not able to go to a studio to practice yoga. I am not able to go to my therapists office. I am not able to take my son to his play therapy. I am not able to take the kids to the park to play or to a place I pay $10/kid (at least) to have them run around exhausting themselves. Instead, they jump on my furniture, make forts, take out the 6 blankets in the living room to wrap themselves up like dead bugs waiting for a spider. I'm saving money, their minds aren't going to stop growing because we don't leave the house and play in a small town of playhouses for $40. Some people worry about how the children will be effected in the future. I think they will all have the unique minds that come from Montessori play. Maybe it's just because my son has an engineer's mind and the imagination of ten children, or maybe, I just see something different. Even when my kids are on their ipads, they are exploring kid friendly games that are teaching them things I don't have the patience for, they are watching videos on nature. My son has done more research and learned more about snakes then any sane person would in their lifetime. He talks continuously about his dreams of becoming a paleontologist or a scientist, like me. My children's imaginations are booming. Possibly, more than ever. Now that they have to create their own worlds. They are running in circles in the small backyard, putting on all their bike safety gear to scoot on the ten feet of brick we have. They are looking in the bleeding hearts bush for baby garter snakes to capture. They are taking cardboard and scotch tape to build homes for creatures. They are picking flowers, jumping on the patio furniture, digging holes in the dirt, searching for slugs. They aren't missing out on anything but social interaction. Some of which they are learning from watching kid's you tube or saying hi to the three friends that show up in their virtual classroom meetings.
My time spent at home has been looking at all the cracks in the woodwork. Slowly making a checklist of things that I can cross off now and what I have to wait for. I am spending the energy I would have toting the kids back and forth between sports, volunteering, school, and yoga to relax while thinking heavily of things I usually cannot.
I have never been so tired in my life. I feel the lack of sleep from my schedule shift has begun to rot my brain. I do not even understand how it has been over a month since I have had a normal schedule. I start to worry about it but then I lay on the couch and rest instead. The emotions running through me are working overtime. I worry about myself. My kids. My family. Friends. People that I shouldn't care about, but still do. I worry they aren't doing as well. That they aren't enjoying this peace. That their lives are disrupted and they can't handle the flood of negative emotions. The parts of themselves that they have been avoiding. I hope they find peace. I can't help but let them know that I understand and I feel for them.
There are goals I have had for years, ones that I have avoided. Now is the time to get back in the habit. I want a sustainable life with my roots deep in small businesses and local people. I want my money to count. I was at a stalemate for awhile. But, this quarantine has given me new life in those areas. I see local places advertising delivery and no-contact pick-up. It makes me wonder how long this will last? This HEAVEN. I don't have to get my kids in and out of the car to get groceries. I don't even have to leave the house for things that I need or want. This shift in lifestyle has been amazing for me. I love that I don't have to see people to get things done. Of course, there are certain things I miss that are integral to my life. I miss my yoga community. Even though, I would barely say hello to more than a couple people. Even though I practiced with a friend, often showing up late and only nodding at them. Even though I generally was quiet and alone to practice. I still miss it. Even though, it was my only form of socializing, I was content with it. Overall, I really hope that some things stick. I hope I still see people in my newsfeed sharing their experience of working out with a loved one from states away. I hope I still see the yoga community sharing their poetry, art, and movement with the world. I hope I still see acts of kindness, of chefs who create amazing dishes for paying customers and equally for those in need. I hope I still see posts about free meals for pick up or delivery. I hope I still see children's science and art kits that inspire their brains to keep growing. I hope that this whole thing hasn't stopped people from seeing the big picture. That this is temporary. Even if it isn't.
I get triggered like everyone else. I hear my ex-husband's words and tone come out of my son and I cringe. I shut down and then I get strong, I start using my strength to tell him what his grandmother should have taught his father. That it is not an appropriate way to speak to someone. That it hurts to hear him say those things. That he needs to be kind, not right. I struggle to think about how my words come out of his mouth, too. That I see it more in my daughter. How my father and mother's words and actions come through me and I stand there like a shell, a puppet, allowing what I was taught to take over before stopping myself. Apologizing. Hugging. Wondering how I turned into such a closed off person. Wondering how I can grow from this mess. I take a deep breath and I change the environment. I spend days crouched over my phone, reading, texting, looking up recipes. Checking out. I try not to get upset about it. I still do. I hear the same words from multiple people and I wonder, what am I doing wrong- before I realize, I'm not. I am a great friend. I am amazing. If they don't want more from me, that's not on me. I have a lot to offer. If you don't want it, it opens up opportunities for those who do. I have the time to be picky. I have the excuse to not have to engage with people whom I don't want to. Sorry, life is just hard these days. I'm under quarantine. I can't meet up to have sex. I can't go on a date. I don't need to do anything. I just need to keep showing up at work. Being present for my children. I don't have to do anyone else any favors or stroke egos. I'm under quarantine, sorry. It is a time for me, for all of us, to really take a hard look at what is important. To see what needs to change. What comes up for you? How can you make this quarantine worth your time? If all you can do is just survive and wait- you are doing the right thing. I spent all last year under a personal quarantine. I struggled to interact with people without lashing out. I had so much to heal and no one understood all the emotions that were bubbling just below the meniscus. I couldn't explain it fast enough. There were too many webs. Too many things to deal with. If all you can do is be alive- I get you. I see you and I get you. Keep doing it. It seems like you aren't doing anything but YOU ARE. You are growing. You are healing. You are getting yourself to a better place. Explore your mind. Your emotions. Your goals. Your hobbies. Your career. Your dreams. Look deeply into it all. All the aspects of your life. Because, one day this quarantine will be over and you will be ready to EXPLODE your essence all over the place. However that tickles your fancy.
A lot of people are finding out just what they need to work on. What is coming up for you?
Emotions are running high in every aspect. Do you tend to shut down? Get sad? Are you boiling with anger and can't wait to explode on someone or something? Are you being constantly triggered? Anxious for the future? Hopeful?
I am all of the above. I'm all of those people. We all are. Collectively speaking.
I am feeling inspired. I am choosing to take this opportunity to lay on the couch and binge watch tv with my children. I don't always get the chance to not feel guilty. Nothing is open. It's raining and chilly. So, we sit on the couch. I let them watch their ipads for hours on end. I get them bowl after plate after cup of snacks. I don't worry about it spoiling their future. They will bounce back. If I could eat cold hot dogs with ketchup most days of the week to turn out drinking green juice everyday- anyone can. Some days, I feel like I will scream at the top of my lungs (and even rarer- I do) so I bundle the kids up and we walk in the rain. I let them splash in puddles until their lips start quivering, and I haul them, screaming for more time, straight home to the bathtub and fill it up with hot water and watch them splash all over the floor. I lay down 2 towels and disappear on my phone. I lay in bed and let them scream and laugh until they are prunes. We all cope differently. None of it is wrong.
So, why is this any different when there isn't a quarantine? Is life so certain otherwise? Is there more stability in knowing you will die someday, possibly in a horrible way, or suddenly? Life isn't much different for me. I am not able to go to a studio to practice yoga. I am not able to go to my therapists office. I am not able to take my son to his play therapy. I am not able to take the kids to the park to play or to a place I pay $10/kid (at least) to have them run around exhausting themselves. Instead, they jump on my furniture, make forts, take out the 6 blankets in the living room to wrap themselves up like dead bugs waiting for a spider. I'm saving money, their minds aren't going to stop growing because we don't leave the house and play in a small town of playhouses for $40. Some people worry about how the children will be effected in the future. I think they will all have the unique minds that come from Montessori play. Maybe it's just because my son has an engineer's mind and the imagination of ten children, or maybe, I just see something different. Even when my kids are on their ipads, they are exploring kid friendly games that are teaching them things I don't have the patience for, they are watching videos on nature. My son has done more research and learned more about snakes then any sane person would in their lifetime. He talks continuously about his dreams of becoming a paleontologist or a scientist, like me. My children's imaginations are booming. Possibly, more than ever. Now that they have to create their own worlds. They are running in circles in the small backyard, putting on all their bike safety gear to scoot on the ten feet of brick we have. They are looking in the bleeding hearts bush for baby garter snakes to capture. They are taking cardboard and scotch tape to build homes for creatures. They are picking flowers, jumping on the patio furniture, digging holes in the dirt, searching for slugs. They aren't missing out on anything but social interaction. Some of which they are learning from watching kid's you tube or saying hi to the three friends that show up in their virtual classroom meetings.
My time spent at home has been looking at all the cracks in the woodwork. Slowly making a checklist of things that I can cross off now and what I have to wait for. I am spending the energy I would have toting the kids back and forth between sports, volunteering, school, and yoga to relax while thinking heavily of things I usually cannot.
I have never been so tired in my life. I feel the lack of sleep from my schedule shift has begun to rot my brain. I do not even understand how it has been over a month since I have had a normal schedule. I start to worry about it but then I lay on the couch and rest instead. The emotions running through me are working overtime. I worry about myself. My kids. My family. Friends. People that I shouldn't care about, but still do. I worry they aren't doing as well. That they aren't enjoying this peace. That their lives are disrupted and they can't handle the flood of negative emotions. The parts of themselves that they have been avoiding. I hope they find peace. I can't help but let them know that I understand and I feel for them.
There are goals I have had for years, ones that I have avoided. Now is the time to get back in the habit. I want a sustainable life with my roots deep in small businesses and local people. I want my money to count. I was at a stalemate for awhile. But, this quarantine has given me new life in those areas. I see local places advertising delivery and no-contact pick-up. It makes me wonder how long this will last? This HEAVEN. I don't have to get my kids in and out of the car to get groceries. I don't even have to leave the house for things that I need or want. This shift in lifestyle has been amazing for me. I love that I don't have to see people to get things done. Of course, there are certain things I miss that are integral to my life. I miss my yoga community. Even though, I would barely say hello to more than a couple people. Even though I practiced with a friend, often showing up late and only nodding at them. Even though I generally was quiet and alone to practice. I still miss it. Even though, it was my only form of socializing, I was content with it. Overall, I really hope that some things stick. I hope I still see people in my newsfeed sharing their experience of working out with a loved one from states away. I hope I still see the yoga community sharing their poetry, art, and movement with the world. I hope I still see acts of kindness, of chefs who create amazing dishes for paying customers and equally for those in need. I hope I still see posts about free meals for pick up or delivery. I hope I still see children's science and art kits that inspire their brains to keep growing. I hope that this whole thing hasn't stopped people from seeing the big picture. That this is temporary. Even if it isn't.
I get triggered like everyone else. I hear my ex-husband's words and tone come out of my son and I cringe. I shut down and then I get strong, I start using my strength to tell him what his grandmother should have taught his father. That it is not an appropriate way to speak to someone. That it hurts to hear him say those things. That he needs to be kind, not right. I struggle to think about how my words come out of his mouth, too. That I see it more in my daughter. How my father and mother's words and actions come through me and I stand there like a shell, a puppet, allowing what I was taught to take over before stopping myself. Apologizing. Hugging. Wondering how I turned into such a closed off person. Wondering how I can grow from this mess. I take a deep breath and I change the environment. I spend days crouched over my phone, reading, texting, looking up recipes. Checking out. I try not to get upset about it. I still do. I hear the same words from multiple people and I wonder, what am I doing wrong- before I realize, I'm not. I am a great friend. I am amazing. If they don't want more from me, that's not on me. I have a lot to offer. If you don't want it, it opens up opportunities for those who do. I have the time to be picky. I have the excuse to not have to engage with people whom I don't want to. Sorry, life is just hard these days. I'm under quarantine. I can't meet up to have sex. I can't go on a date. I don't need to do anything. I just need to keep showing up at work. Being present for my children. I don't have to do anyone else any favors or stroke egos. I'm under quarantine, sorry. It is a time for me, for all of us, to really take a hard look at what is important. To see what needs to change. What comes up for you? How can you make this quarantine worth your time? If all you can do is just survive and wait- you are doing the right thing. I spent all last year under a personal quarantine. I struggled to interact with people without lashing out. I had so much to heal and no one understood all the emotions that were bubbling just below the meniscus. I couldn't explain it fast enough. There were too many webs. Too many things to deal with. If all you can do is be alive- I get you. I see you and I get you. Keep doing it. It seems like you aren't doing anything but YOU ARE. You are growing. You are healing. You are getting yourself to a better place. Explore your mind. Your emotions. Your goals. Your hobbies. Your career. Your dreams. Look deeply into it all. All the aspects of your life. Because, one day this quarantine will be over and you will be ready to EXPLODE your essence all over the place. However that tickles your fancy.
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