Maria También

I'm not really into self-help books either. Why did I answer that way? I know that in the past I have been met with resistance when talking about so called "self-help" books. I allow myself to play into the stigma as if reading a self-help book was taboo. I want to be a better person? I want to work on my mental health? Is there something wrong with that? I don't know if I have asked myself why I care if people know that about me or not. Why should I care if someone finds it cringy? Fuck you, then. I am working on myself, so if you don't like self-help books, then don't read them. *Shrug* I want to heal my past and work towards being the version of myself I've always been afraid to be because of my upbringing or past relationships. I want my friendships, partnerships, and general relationships to be filled with people who work on themselves. So why is it weird that I read a book to help me do that?

I don't always need to reflect after reading these kinds of books. I have been desperate in the past to heal, especially after my separation from my ex-husband. Why was I attracted to someone that treated me like absolute garbage? Why did I let him? It set me on a path to realize that I hadn't healed a lot of myself. The inner child work, as a lot of popular self-help influencers like to say. Since then, I have read the occasional self-help book and thought a lot of ok, I already know this and I practice this. Am I healed now? But then I started to gain weight and continued to until the last year where I have sort of petered off into this range where I lose 5-10lbs and then gain it back within a month or two. I've never been the "100lb" kind of woman, even though people perceive me to be. At some of the times in my life where I was healthiest, I still never weighed 100lbs. I attribute it to "Scottish bones"which is just that I think I just am heavy. Some people are wispy. I am not. In the dosas, I am kappa. The child. The heavy one. I settle around 135lbs at my healthiest. Drs have always said I "could lose some weight" even when I had nowhere to lose it. I had the flu after having a bout of control on my body which resulted in an anorexia type ritual where I didn't eat except for once a day, and it wasn't healthy food at that time. Or enough food. One week after getting the flu, I had the stomach flu. I couldn't keep anything down, even when I wanted to. I weighed 120lbs then and I looked gaunt. 

But, I haven't been that healthy 135lb weight in about six years. Gaining 5-10lbs a year since then has been horrible. To watch my wardrobe grow smaller and smaller. To buy bigger clothes to find something that fits and I feel comfortable in. To have those clothes also be too small now... It is frustrating and gut wrenching to know that I don't have the body that I know I deserve to have. I had a great body after my separation. I lost a lot of weight. I worked out. I ate well. My mind wasn't healthy though. I did all the bodywork for the wrong reasons, I think. It was more vanity and control than about being healthy. Now, I feel mentally the healthiest I've ever been. I don't need to have complete control of the situation all the time. I can just be humble and happy where I am at. There's no more pretending, faking it until I make it, or saying the wrong things all the time, with regret. I just... am this person that I've grown into. I enjoy the healing I have done. The relationships I have cultivated. I help my children heal their little minds and I am constantly reminded of what my life was like before I started to heal myself. I wasn't a bad person, but I was really toxic. I had a lot of misguided views on how relationships should work. I don't think my past self was bad, but I definitely feel like I am a good person now. I can say that without feeling strange. I know who I am and I like who I am. If I were not me and saw me out and about, I would think, well she seems nice. That's enough for me.

So... why is my body like this right now? Why do I know I eat healthy, at the correct portions, and exercise regularly with zero results to show for it? Why do I have to have complete control over my body to get it to reflect how I view myself in my brain? I catch myself in a reflection while out in public and I think ugh... I thought I looked good this morning when I looked in the mirror at home, what was I thinking? Is this how other people see my body? I am disappointed in how my body takes up space right now. I feel uncomfortable in clothing. I just want to lay down flat with pajamas on. I know there is more to it in my brain than what I am perceiving. That the things in my mind need healing. That I am in some sort of state of mind that I am not realizing isn't okay. I don't even know how to heal that part of me because I can't quite put my finger on what it is that is causing this to happen to me. Am I not handling the stress of being a mother (of one extra difficult child and of two kids- both highly emotional and difficult)? Or being a co-parent with a covert narcissist? Or the job that has me be constantly in fight or flight mode due to trouble-shooting daily? I thought I was handling all this, but maybe I'm not...? I recognize that the once a month therapy I am doing is not getting me anywhere. I feel like I pay to vent about some minor inconveniences where she "validates" me and then time is up. But, where is the reflection on it? The work that I am supposed to be doing? "Sounds like you are doing all the right things." She tells me at the end of every session. "Right. Thank you." I respond, numbly. 

I know I want to do the work, but where to begin now? 

I anticipated this book for awhile. I heard about this "popular app" short video maker from an old acquaintance. It was out of the blue, a bit, that I was sent a message with her talking about healing in a kind and gentle way. He said, she reminds me of you. My first thought was, does he like me? Because she is beautiful in an angelic/ethereal way. She has soft looking skin, a Scandinavian complexion, messy but beautiful soft coiled blonde hair, and big, kind, intelligent eyes. Her voice is soothing and the slow speed of the inflection allows space to register her words. I was flattered and intrigued. I probably spent a few minutes overanalyzing the message, wondering what he meant by it, but at the time, I just let the feeling go. If he wants something more from me, he would ask for it. It would be clear. So, I let the thought go. He just wanted to send me something that reminded him of me. I hoped it was that he thought I was pretty but mostly that I was a good person because she had a lot of healthy self-reflection content. Her videos kept popping up in my feed. I kept interacting with them and they kept on coming. She started to post about a book. The cover was in every post. There was a few videos with her speaking into a sound booth, recording the audio version. I put a reservation on the book through my library app as soon as it was available to reserve. I knew it would speak to me, that she would speak to me. Her clips resonate with me, I find myself nodding to her words, and sending them to friends and family that I think she could influence positively. 

The book recently released and I saw the timeline/waitlist. I have a lot to read right now, so I didn't anticipate the book to be available to me for another month or two. It became available two days ago; months earlier than I expected. It wasn't a long book, I finished it in a half day. The first chapter ended with questions and an affirmation. I immediately decided I wanted to answer these questions. I attempted to open up a browser and log into this app to do just that. I had to wait until hours later in the day to actually give these questions a thoughtful response. Now, here is where more healing can begin. Or I hope so. Listening to the majority of the book without seriously taking time to reflect still gave me a few "ah-ha" moments. And times where I was nodding and thinking, "Yes! That perfectly describes that feeling, I didn't know that I needed to work on that!"

I cannot stress enough how important it is to ask yourself tough questions. You deserve to find out the answers. Even if it scares you. It can help you move forward. I hope that this helps me move forward, even if it first makes me sad and quiet. Even if I cry. Even if I know that I need to cut people or experiences or things out of my life to propel myself forward. It will be for the right reasons and I hope it helps my body and mind heal in the ways I need right now. I know that I will always struggle with my mental health. I will always struggle with my body weight. I am not in some unrealistic timeline that I think that answering these questions will suddenly make me a Mother Theresa type figure. I will, however, be able to grow a little bit more than I did and that can make a lot of difference, even if it doesn't seem like a lot on the outside. 

Chapter 1: 

In what ways do you notice yourself being hyper-vigilant in your everyday life? 

With my kids. With co-parenting. With work. 

I recognize that my kids can be emotionally exhausting. I feel good about the work I put in, but I know that sometimes I have to stop myself from being my parents, and my parental figures, in whatever capacity throughout my life, and actively do better/be better. I know I lose my shit and say things I don't mean sometimes. I know that I focus hard on these times to pick out quickly what I need to for the conversation to be productive. 

I recognize that I place a lot of hyper-vigilance on the communications with my ex. He is INFURIATING at times. I have to limit my responses and choose to let the words just fall away that do not have anything to do with me- despite the attempts to make it seem like I have some kind of power over his emotions and financial situation. It is not up to me to "keep the peace" but it is up to me to respond to what keeps my peace. 

I recognize that my job requires so much perfection, the unachievable kind, that I can get wrapped up in the drama of others not being perfect and the self deprecation of not being perfect 100% of the time. It's impossible. But that doesn't stop my brain from running though all the past mistakes to make sure I am not repeating them. And then I can still miss things and then I am scrutinized negatively for it. 

In what ways is it {hyper-vigilance} genuinely protecting you?

With my kids, it is protecting myself from saying or doing something that I don't want to say or do. It helps me be a better, more understanding parent that responds with compassion. 

It protects me from getting sucked into the vortex that narcissistic behavior likes to create. "Everything is everyone else's fault and I must cater to his needs" is the most important thing I protect myself from. It is NOT my fault. It is NOT my problem. I can continue to be myself and do what I want to do without it having any affect on whatever it is he is intending to put on me. He will weave these webs that are easy to fall into so I protect myself by being aware that he is making these traps, even if he doesn't know he makes them. 

It protects me from making mistakes I have to fix at work. It can be lengthy to fix mistakes at work. Sometimes it is just "simple" like a long 8 note. Sometimes, it requires a new cell thaw. Sometimes, an email to the department. A lot of the mistakes are not mine, but ones I see in others. Part of being in an influential/teaching position is being the voice of authority when there is generally not a lot of group leaders hanging around in the labs. It protects me from the feeling that I am not good enough. That I am an imposter. 

Is it happening in areas where you may not need that hyper-vigilance? 

*Big breath out* I.... don't know....? Is it? I feel like maybe I don't know how to get out of the mode, so maybe I am.... always in hyper-vigilant mode....? Wait- AM I ALWAYS IN HYPER-VIGILANT MODE!? Is this why I can't lose weight? Am I just in a constant state of panic????? I definitely do not need it all the time. But, do I turn it off when I don't need it? Do I even know how to do that? Is this why I read so much? I think that maybe I do turn this mode off when I am by myself. Or maybe at times when my kids are around. It would explain why I am so exhausted on the days I don't have the kids and I come home from work. Like I had a mask on and suddenly, I can drop it and just vibe. The other night, I recognized that I was feeling tired. That the day had gotten away from me in some way- I think having a margarita definitely helped mask the feeling. Allowed me to drop the feeling that I needed to be protecting myself in some way. Then when it wore off, I was just tired. It didn't mean anything about the company or the environment or anything. I was content. Just... on low power mode like I usually am when I am alone. I think that maybe it wasn't something that was easily recognizable by the aforementioned company- but it was something that I had understood and not voiced. Perhaps I should start voicing that more. Not just saying to myself, I am tired of being "on" and now I get to relax. But saying out loud, "it's okay to not have a guard up right now, I feel safe. Thank you for being a safe person to be around." Because that safety is so important. It doesn't have to be a deep feeling that I have in someone, but there is a certain amount of trust that gets built to uncover that feeling for me. I don't feel tired after being around this person, and that feels nice to know. 

It is safe to return to myself now.

It will take some time to reflect all these questions. There are 11 chapters, so I will go about them at my own pace. For now, this is enough to ponder.