Peaches

 Tears rolled down my cheeks and I thought, I lived this, I experienced this type of love. I brooded over it for years and years, ages, it seems. I lived through that type of destruction. I read and watch and see the type of love that I have always had envy for- and maybe I became cynical, or maybe I just grew up a little, but I have seen it. I have lived it. I always think about this when I gorge on book after book of content that I cannot predict, that will remind me, that I know that feeling. I lived that feeling. It is interesting. It is a miracle. A blessing, I am sure, to some. I lived it. I know it. I felt that before. The kind that makes you burn for someone else. That you would bleed for them, if they wanted you to do it. They would press their fingers into your soul and bruise that too, if they could, and they could. They would. They have. And you allowed it. Allowed them to do it. 

I watch the man smell her fingers and I instantly was brought back to that time period. I remember it so well. The desire was dormant for so long, I forgot I knew what it was like, but, oh, I do know. I sat with that for so long, just remembering. Not just that part of it though, the other parts, too. The bad. The parts that made the highs extra high, at the time, were the lows that balance it out. It makes me wonder about how many times I was addicted to the cortisone. The high of being alive, or so I thought, at the time. I was alive, alright. It was a wonder I didn't stop it. No matter what you do or who you are with or what you are doing, there is always a part of you that yearns for that, aches for it, and you can't seem to itch it. It isn't going to be something that you want to touch on because it just feels so raw, always, and being too vulnerable leaves you open for pain, and that kind of pain is just not who you are anymore. Never really was, I suppose. It was just the desire you were craving. The dopamine, really. But, to have a partner that wants to give you every desire, it makes you want to follow them like a dog and relish when they put the collar on, too.

I thought it again tonight. I was just letting all of the tears fall, brushing my eyes so often with my sleeve, I think I might have rubbed off the soft, thin skin just under my eyes. They were raw and sore and I thought, I know that love. I lived that one, too. The kind where you can't tell if someone loves you or not. The kind where you feel insecure and sad because they can't speak up and tell you what they feel. The kind that leaves you feeling hollow. Wishing that you didn't feel crazy or that it was one-sided. The kind that you know how you feel and they look at you and you know that look- it's how you were looking at them, but they can't just fucking say what they want to say to you. Then, they do. And it's like your whole world suddenly makes sense. Everything that felt out of place, aligns. You can feel their warmth and smell them radiating the love and you hear the words, you feel the words, you feel it to your core. It penetrates your heart and time. The kind of love that is dormant for years and years and then they reach out and you know it is true, always was, there is a place for them there. The place in your heart that is always occupied with a piece of them. Even if they say they will call and never do. Three years later they ask on an app to meet up and you know what it means. It means that part of your heart is going to be caressed and you consider it, you do, but you don't actually consider it. Because it reminds you of how they won't call you. They only want to feel better right now. They never want to actually be with you. And no matter who you are now, no matter what you are doing, or who you are with, they still have that piece of your heart. But the uncertainty of jumping in, head first, and being okay with it, because you know you feel it. It's just felt. Without the words. You know how they feel.

There's the love that I have known, which feels like security. The opposite. The desire and the security and it's all there, but then there's still something missing. I felt that, too. The kind where I would just take off my shoes, lay on top of him and be held. No words. Just resting there. Our hearts would beat, and we would just silently comfort each other. He would reach out a hand and rest it on me and I would instantly feel comforted. I needed that so much, at the time. All the time, truly. But, I knew that love, too. The kind that was more like companionship, friendship, a kinship. The love that felt secure, but it never really was, secure. Because, even though I really needed stability when my world was falling apart, he couldn't give it to me, because I wasn't ready for it. Not yet. Not really. I felt a different kind of desire, one that would cause me to be ready, wet, and always saying yes, no matter the time of day. I was always secure in that regard. I wanted him because it was a comfort that we both needed. But, I couldn't let my brain catch up. My brain was just not ready. Not yet. I tried, so many times. I couldn't get there. I could feel the build-up, the intensity rising, then I would plateau and nothing would happen. Right at the moment, I very much wanted it to, mostly because he would be done at that point, and then there was no more to be given to me. It left me in an awkward position, one which I just faked through. Why bother trying to explain that I can't climax and it had everything to do with the fact that I felt secure in everything except the one thing that allowed me to trust him enough to get off. I needed his words. He never had them for me. He had a lot of words, to be sure. But the words, I love you never came. It was more than that, though. I didn't trust him. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone, then. I really could not. No one in my life, new or old, past or present, was someone I could trust fully. I couldn't trust myself, either. I didn't know if I loved anyone, how could anyone love me? I didn't know it. I didn't hear it from him besides the one time. Not until the end. When I was sure there was someone else. When he moved away. When there was nothing left for us. I felt like I did everything I was supposed to do. But, it just always felt a little off. A little skewed. Just to the left of center. Something that was off balance and caused me to never be able to truly enjoy the moment. But, I felt the security otherwise, that is why it hurt so much to have it taken away. Like a warmed blanket in the middle of a snow storm. Suddenly, I had to figure out how to warm myself. That hurt. A lot. But, it's okay. Because I learned it. I learned to just love myself, instead. Warm up. my own bones. And reach my own climax. Without worrying about what anyone else wants, for once. 

I keep being reminded of all these loves, the ones that were so different, but all pieces of a puzzle. The kinds that reminded me of what I want and need, desire and hold dear. The types of love that I know is all in someone. Just one man. Not all these other ones missing half the pieces, large pieces. I've always had hope that this man exists. That this man would hold space for me. Allow me to be independent. To quietly make my life better, but not take away from it at all. Not to leave and make me feel hollow. To listen. Let me be me. Enjoy what I have to say, what I think, feel, need. Someone that makes me laugh, that makes me want to open up. To love fully, the way that my heart always intended. Open and raw. But, never mean. Never rough. Never in a way that made me feel like I had to change to fit their needs/desires/wants/etc. I want a kind and gentle man. Smart, but intelligent, too. Someone I can talk to. I missed having someone to just discuss things and not feel at odds with because I opened up on my views. Someone who shared my views, for once. But, not a "yes" man. A man that challenges me to be better, but not out of force. Encouragement. Someone who inspires ME. Instead of me inspiring someone else all the time. Someone who doesn't make me feel like their mother. A man who makes me feel like a woman. We would only make each other better. This man would encourage me to grow. To learn. To be curious, because he would be curious, too. He would want to know what I want. He would learn what I want. Give it to me, often, and as much as he can and I want him to. To make me feel desire like a fire. Touch me in ways I never knew was possible. To make me want things I never liked or wanted before. Because, it's growth. It's growth to move past the trauma and find out I like it, I desire it, I can orgasm from it. I can crave it. I'm allowed to and I do. This man would listen to me, over and over and over, and still watch me with curiosity. Give me a half-smile when he is caught watching, but still, doesn't stop. He would let me watch him while I build up and explode, but then find me surprised that he was there, too, which would scare me, just a little. Not a bad scare. Not like a jump scare. Not a scary movie scare. Just one where I realized, I can have this, too. That if I ever had this happen before, I can't recall. I can only recall this time. This one time where I was fully engaged, fully built up, fully climaxing, while he did, too. I don't feel hollow. I don't feel scared, now. I just feel something. I just feel like. It's just. Secure. I know that this man exists. He does, and I suppose that is scary to know that. To know that this man could possess all the different types of love that I wanted and needed and desired my whole life, and now I am whole and complete and ready for all those loves. I have lived through the lessons and I have been waiting and here I am. Just enjoying the moment for what it is, because I can now. I can actually just... be present in it. I keep talking about wanting to enjoy the moment and now I just am. I am not really sure if I fully processed all of this or all the feelings that can go with all of this, the whole revelation, of knowing, but I'll try. 

I'll keep living through these moments where I realize I have lived this type of love before, and I discover it exists in the same man. Is this how normal people live their lives? Just getting a man that possesses all the loves they lived and it's healthy, for once?