Journal entry #5,589
Dear Diary-
Love is an illusion that I have created. It's entirely possible that I have never truly loved. It's entirely possible that I don't understand myself or others. Not TRULY. I have created a fantasy world in which I reside, possibly better than the real version of me, and I have placed people around me in there as well. They don't know I have done this. They wouldn't like it if they knew their roles in my tragic kingdom where reality goes to die. My roommates are there sometimes. Perhaps Jackie, more than anyone. She resides in my fantasy land as a beautiful vixen that cherishes everything I do. I have placed her on a pedestal of appreciation and she can never know or live up to how she is inside my head. I know this. I do this daydreaming daily and I know this to be true. I know that deep down, no one can ever live up to my standards. Because, no one is invited to my head fantasy land. If I were to let Jackie know how I have fantasized about her, she probably wouldn't speak to me anymore. She'd probably move out of the apartment. I'd still have two other roommates but, they are engaged. I'd be a third wheel often. Maybe this is why I feel so strongly for Jackie. Is it because we sort of end up hanging out and it feels like a double date when Nick and Sam are around? Love is an illusion. I made it up. I feel so strongly about her but, I made it all up. Jackie does seem to hang around me a lot. But, maybe it's just because we share a common space. I just don't know what to do about it for now. Jackie lives in a glass case and I can't get her out. Fuck. FUCK! (illegible)
Journal entry #5,630
Dear Diary-
Today was amazing. I got some coffee from this really great place a few miles from here and I ran into Susie, my ex-girlfriend. My first girlfriend! I guess I dated other girls before her... Susie was my first though. She was so kind and quiet. I really loved her. She was so awesome. I cheated on her. I was an idiot. I don't know why I did it. She must have forgave me at some point. I hadn't seen her for years. She is still so cute! I asked her for her number but she said she didn't have a phone. I sort of believe her though. She said to send her something on messenger. Is that a thing people do now? Like there's a level of speaking to someone that is just reduced to weird apps? What happened to calling someone? Or, just send them a text message??? I'm remembering so many things about Susie that I just adored. I tried to talk to Jackie about her but, she didn't have much to say back. Jackie sort of reminds me of Susie sometimes. I wonder if I have a "type" but it's not really on looks but, just like, how they are? Jackie has really short brown hair and brown eyes. Sometimes, they glow a little. They can be more of a deep amber color. Other times, they look so dark I can barely tell where her pupils are. She's too skinny. She is super cute but, she doesn't have a lot of meat on her bones. Susie has dirty blonde curly hair and hazel eyes. They looked like the sea. Her body was fucking perfect. She always made me nervous because I didn't think I looked nearly as good as her. I guess I feel the same way about Jackie. I let myself go a bit over the years and although I never had abs, I at least didn't have this beer keg when I was with Susie. Jackie and I are just friends anyways. It doesn't really matter. This makes me want to do a lot of sit-ups. (drawing of frown face)
Journal entry #5,631
Dear Diary-
The strangest thing happened last night. I was sitting around drinking with my roommates at the pub and Jackie actually came onto me. Or maybe I came onto her? I don't know. Her leg kept being up against mine and we were just getting along like always. At some point when we were walking home we got sidetracked by this playground. I just really fucking felt like going down a slide. I don't know. Sometimes, seeing things that I used to enjoy as a child really seems appealing when I drink too much. One of these days, I'll get back on my skateboard and break something while drunk. So, I ran up the slide and started playing around. Fuck, I think I got brush burn on my knee going down- just remembered that. Alcohol is fun, ha! She just sort of laughed at me. It might have been taken in a bad way by anyone else but I could tell she was amused by me in a sort of admiration sort of way. Like she wished she could be so carefree. I dunno, I mean, just do it then. I didn't bother her and she didn't bother me. At some point I think we ended up sitting on the bench in the park and I think I just put my arm around her on instinct and she just sort of leaned to me and I really don't know how it happened. I think I might have tried it on her. Or maybe she really did initiate? I don't know. Sometimes I don't mind being the chaser. I sort of think she needs to be chased, ya know? She kissed me back, anyhow. We ended back at our apartment and our roommates were awake and we didn't want to make it awkward, so I just said goodnight and made it to my room before she and I talked. I haven't heard anyone else awake yet so I'm not sure if she's even okay with it all. I definitely need to start figuring my shit out. If a girl like Jackie is interested in me, then I need to fucking get it together.
Journal entry #5,632
Dear Diary-
I was invited out last night by our roommates for dinner with their folks and I knew Jackie would be there but I decided to be a fucking coward instead. I'm too afraid of what the fuck that meant. I really like Jackie and I fucking thought about her too much and now I can't unthink her like that. FUCK. I think she really wanted me to go. I hope she's not offended. Ugh! Did I just fuck everything up between us??? I need to just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for awhile. I really hope she isn't mad at me.
Journal entry #5,633
Dear Diary-
There's a neighborhood potluck today and everyone I know will be there. I'm not sure what it means because I haven't spoken to Jackie at all. I'm not even sure she likes me. I think I'm going to just bring this fucking amazing dessert I made and just fucking be myself. Awkward and weird. FUCK!
Journal entry #5,634
Dear Diary-
Well the potluck was kind of okay, I guess. It was weird because Jackie's parents ended up there somehow and her little brother, Nathan, too. He's pretty cool I guess... for a kid anyways. I don't know how I feel about them being around but we are all forced to hang out sometimes and it's going to be awkward I guess. Every time I tried to find a place to sit or stand, Jackie was sort of there and I didn't mind it because it just felt right. Just natural. She kept looking at me deeply and it sort of made me uncomfortable. What if she sees the image I created of her looking back at her? What if she doesn't like it? The food was good, at least. After all that, we decided to go tubing because Nick and Sam really wanted to go do something summery. It really was a beautiful day, and I sort of wanted to talk to Jackie and I thought that could be a good time. I just enjoyed the sunshine and the air. I was also trying my best to look cool but I think I failed miserably. I'm just a fucking dork. Jackie never ceases to point this out. I really hate when Sam teases me though. She just always makes it seem mean. Like theres some secret that I'm not in on. I'm glad Nick doesn't seem to notice. Jackie just teases me like I'm her kid brother or something. It doesn't seem judgy, just sort of playful. At some point Nick and Sam's tubes ended up a whole bend ahead and Jackie and I were able to talk more. She seemed reluctant to let me in how how she was feeling but she didn't seem opposed when I said I didn't want her to stop kissing me randomly when we got drunk together. She did let me in on the fact that Sam saw us kissing. I had forgotten about that. Good to know. That sort of makes it more awkward in some ways and less in others. I'm not sure I'm done thinking about all this. It's a lot to process.. I just need some time to think.
Journal entry #5,655
Dear Diary-
Jackie is now sending me weird gifs on snap chat and I also wonder if that is just a thing people do these days or if it's just what she does. She is really secretive and quiet and I find myself mostly being sort of nervous and oversharing. Why did I fucking tell her all that shit about pretty much every embarrassing moment I ever had. WHY did I feel the need to do that!? Her snaps are funny sometimes though. At least we share a sense of humor. When I see her she has become super quiet. I just don't know what to think about that.
Journal entry #5,781
Dear Diary-
Susie got ahold of me. She messaged me over messenger and asked if I wanted to hang out. She told me she hates texting. Why the hell did she message me to tell me she hates messages? It just sort of blew my mind. I guess we are supposed to hang out...? I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm still really hung up on Jackie but she said she doesn't want to be serious with me. I don't know what to think about that either. She keeps showing up randomly and we usually end up kissing. Sometimes, I don't even realize she is home and she will just plop down on the couch and act like she's my big sister, just hanging out, shooting the shit. She'll get closer and closer to me. I get so fucking nervous, does she know how much I want to be with her? I didn't even really notice that she started messaging me on messenger. I just kept getting snaps and then it stopped and then I was getting notifications on messenger and I guess that is just a thing people do now? I don't fucking know how to date. I am supposed to see Susie on Friday. I'm not sure how it'll go. I don't know what I even want out of that. I think I'm just trying to get over Jackie. She doesn't really seem all that interested. She's fucking confusing the fuck out of me.
Journal entry #5,784
Dear Diary-
I asked Jackie how she felt about me seeing Susie and she said I should go for it. She seemed enthusiastic even. I don't fucking understand this girl, at all. If she likes me, why would she tell me to hang out with Susie? Especially since Nick, Sam, Jackie, and I are supposed to go see a show together tomorrow and we got hotel rooms. I am pretty sure theres just two rooms. And Nick and Sam are definitely sharing a room. Fuck, this is just so fucked. I don't know if I should hang out with Susie. FUCK.
Journal entry #5,788
Dear Diary-
Jackie is still being elusive. I really don't like how I'm becoming obsessed with being with her. She keeps saying she doesn't want a relationship but, she keeps inviting me to do things with her and trying to meet up with me. I am really afraid that I'm going to get hurt but, I don't see the point in stopping it either. Nick and Sam are both tired of hearing me talk about her and they offer shitty advice anyways. I guess Nick is supportive but Sam's riddles are really fucking annoying. Stop making references to damn plants. Be fucking direct if you want me to understand what the fuck you mean. Don't tell a person who overanalyzes things some metaphor about how plants take time to grow. Fuck!
Journal entry #5,890
Dear Diary-
Jackie told me last night that she just wants to be friends and that she doesn't want to hurt me so we need to stop sleeping together. I feel like she ripped my heart from my damn chest. I went out with two of my buddies and got wasted. A few girls came up to me and tried to talk to me. I wasn't interested and I went home. I ended up texting my crazy ex and I regretted reaching out because now she is sort of acting confused by me reaching out. I shouldn't have done that. I was just lonely and wished I had someone to talk to in that way again. Jackie is my fucking best friend and I just feel like she cut me out. I feel like I need to move out of my house. Change my location. Maybe I can just let her go and not be her friend anymore. I don't fucking want that but, I'm fucking hurt.
Journal entry #5,991
Dear Diary-
I somehow didn't see Jackie for almost a week. I think our paths just weren't crossing. She was busy with work and I was busy with work and I dunno, I just have been avoiding the apartment, also. She kept calling me at weird times. I am glad she calls me and asks me for advice sometimes. I'm glad that she listens to me. I dunno. I'm just not sure what to think about it all. She still seems like she wants to be more than just my friend but she isn't allowing herself to do it. I know how I feel. I fucking care about her so much!
Journal entry #5,999
Dear Diary-
Classic Jackie. She ended up sleeping in my bed again. I don't know what the fuck is her deal. She just acts like she's testing out how it would be to be in a relationship with me and I just fucking let her. She's playing the weirdest games with me.
Journal entry #6,012
Dear Diary-
Jackie told me she loved me last night. Or maybe she didn't? I don't fucking know. She stays in my room a few times a week. Or I stay with her a few times a week. Not everyday, just enough to make me wonder if this is a thing or not. Just when I think it's a thing, she just disappears. She's fucking confusing as hell. She says she doesn't want a relationship and then she fucking whispers I love you right before bed? I was so damn tired, I didn't even hear her at first. Then it was too long of a pause once I realized that it sounded like she said it- but, then, nothing. It was too fucking late. I wasn't allowing myself to love her because she keeps pushing me away. Like, I'm standing right fucking here and she keeps pushing me away and then pulling me back in. It's confusing as fuck! I don't know how I feel about it. I need time to fucking think. But, then she just fucking stopped talking to me. It's like I just became dead to her. FUCK!
Journal entry #6,025
Dear Diary-
Jackie is just my friend again. We were going to make dinner together and she said she wanted to stay in my room and when I got home from work, she told me she needed to just be my fucking friend. I was pissed, obviously. She just keeps fucking with my head and heart and I don't know what the fuck to do. I want to just be with her. I want to feel secure with her. I can't get a foothold on my feelings because she keeps backing away! Just when I start to feel comfortable, she is OUT. I'm heartbroken. I feel like I just lost my best fucking friend! She says she just wants to be there for me and we can still talk and she gave me the nicest hug and kissed me really sweet. Why would she do that if she just wanted to be my friend??? This is the most frustrated I've ever been with someone. Make up your damn mind! Love me or let me go!
Journal entry #6,026
Dear Diary-
I had a long talk with Jackie and I feel a little better I guess. I can't tell if she is just being there for me or if she truly wants to be my friend but she says she does. I dunno how I feel. I just need to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for awhile.
Journal entry #6,030
Dear Diary-
We had a dinner party and invited some friends over and I was feeling kind of awkward at first because even though Jackie and I talk a lot, we don't hang out in groups and I was feeling weird about it. I decided to just play it cool and at some point we ran into each other in the hallway. She came up to me and kept getting closer and closer like she does and she kissed me. I don't think I care anymore. Jackie is just like that. She needs what she needs when she needs it and my needs don't seem to matter. I am generally always ready to kiss her back and she's okay with that as long as it's on her terms. Whatever, dude. Fuckin hell.
Journal entry #6,035
Dear Diary-
This is just a thing that Jackie does now and I just go back and forth between caring and not. I keep trying to focus on my own life but then I think about how fucking awesome Jackie and I would be together and she keeps saying she isn't ready. I know I'm not ready either, I guess. With all this obsessing I do over her, I can't be ready for something more serious. Maybe she's just been protecting me this whole time. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But, when I needed a hug last week, she was there. When I was hungry, she made me dinner. She is just fucking there for me when I need her and I guess that's just what it is. We need each other or something. Even if that means it's just this weird friendship that is more than that. I just never had a connection with anyone like I do with her. Maybe with Susie. I dunno. Susie is just too involved with her personal shit. She never reciprocated the way I needed her to. Maybe I'm just repeating an old fucking pattern. I dunno. Fuck!
Journal entry #6,043
Dear diary-
My crazy ex suddenly is in love with me again. It's fucking weird as shit. Maybe she's just getting lonely, I dunno. She texts me randomly and picks fights all the fucking time and I would ignore her mostly but I dunno, I guess I'm a glutton for punishment and sometimes I would respond and tell her that I'm happy she's moved on and maybe she should stop fucking texting me and focus on her own life, I don't fucking know. But, for whatever reason, she got it in her head that she is in love with me this week. I've given her about ZERO to go off of. She's fucking insane. I wish that Jackie would write to me that way. She won't ever though. She's just not like that. It's fine. She and I talk a lot. She'd rather talk to me than text me. Whatever. Call me randomly on your lunch breaks or while I'm at work. Call me when you're out with your friends and they've gone out for a smoke. Fine. Fucking let me in when I ask you if I can come in your room and fucking fine. Talk to me and shoot the shit like we never had any deep conversations. Enjoy your alone time, Jackie. Fuck.
Journal entry #6,045
Dear Diary-
I can't get out of bed. I tried talking to Jackie. And Nick. I didn't try to talk to Sam. I reached out to my family. My other friends. Some of them got back to me. Some of them tried. I just don't know how I feel about all this shit. I'm really sick of my crazy ex trying to go out of her way to be with me. She needs to fucking stop. I need a distraction but I don't want to put Jackie in that position. I really love her. She's my best friend and I can't have her be hurt like I am. Maybe that's why she keeps me at bay. I don't fucking know. She says she has shit to work on but, she seems like she has her shit together to me. She talks a lot about what she wants to do and seems to be doing it. It's hard to tell. depression is the worst. I can't fucking get out of bed and I don't want to. I just want to lay here until it stops raining. Jackie fucking asked me out on a date. I clarified it was a date. I just don't fucking know what to think about that. She is just fucking with my head and I can't seem to let her go. I just want to have my shit figured out but I don't know if I ever will. It's the same response Jackie gives me when we talk about kids. She says she just wants to feel like she's ready but she doesn't know if she ever will be. I don't fucking know either Jackie. Sometimes you just have to take a leap and be okay with it. If it doesn't work out, it's not like time will stand still until you figure your shit out. Just fucking do it or don't. Whatever. I just need more time. Or less. It depends on the damn day. Fuck!
Dear Diary-
Love is an illusion that I have created. It's entirely possible that I have never truly loved. It's entirely possible that I don't understand myself or others. Not TRULY. I have created a fantasy world in which I reside, possibly better than the real version of me, and I have placed people around me in there as well. They don't know I have done this. They wouldn't like it if they knew their roles in my tragic kingdom where reality goes to die. My roommates are there sometimes. Perhaps Jackie, more than anyone. She resides in my fantasy land as a beautiful vixen that cherishes everything I do. I have placed her on a pedestal of appreciation and she can never know or live up to how she is inside my head. I know this. I do this daydreaming daily and I know this to be true. I know that deep down, no one can ever live up to my standards. Because, no one is invited to my head fantasy land. If I were to let Jackie know how I have fantasized about her, she probably wouldn't speak to me anymore. She'd probably move out of the apartment. I'd still have two other roommates but, they are engaged. I'd be a third wheel often. Maybe this is why I feel so strongly for Jackie. Is it because we sort of end up hanging out and it feels like a double date when Nick and Sam are around? Love is an illusion. I made it up. I feel so strongly about her but, I made it all up. Jackie does seem to hang around me a lot. But, maybe it's just because we share a common space. I just don't know what to do about it for now. Jackie lives in a glass case and I can't get her out. Fuck. FUCK! (illegible)
Journal entry #5,630
Dear Diary-
Today was amazing. I got some coffee from this really great place a few miles from here and I ran into Susie, my ex-girlfriend. My first girlfriend! I guess I dated other girls before her... Susie was my first though. She was so kind and quiet. I really loved her. She was so awesome. I cheated on her. I was an idiot. I don't know why I did it. She must have forgave me at some point. I hadn't seen her for years. She is still so cute! I asked her for her number but she said she didn't have a phone. I sort of believe her though. She said to send her something on messenger. Is that a thing people do now? Like there's a level of speaking to someone that is just reduced to weird apps? What happened to calling someone? Or, just send them a text message??? I'm remembering so many things about Susie that I just adored. I tried to talk to Jackie about her but, she didn't have much to say back. Jackie sort of reminds me of Susie sometimes. I wonder if I have a "type" but it's not really on looks but, just like, how they are? Jackie has really short brown hair and brown eyes. Sometimes, they glow a little. They can be more of a deep amber color. Other times, they look so dark I can barely tell where her pupils are. She's too skinny. She is super cute but, she doesn't have a lot of meat on her bones. Susie has dirty blonde curly hair and hazel eyes. They looked like the sea. Her body was fucking perfect. She always made me nervous because I didn't think I looked nearly as good as her. I guess I feel the same way about Jackie. I let myself go a bit over the years and although I never had abs, I at least didn't have this beer keg when I was with Susie. Jackie and I are just friends anyways. It doesn't really matter. This makes me want to do a lot of sit-ups. (drawing of frown face)
Journal entry #5,631
Dear Diary-
The strangest thing happened last night. I was sitting around drinking with my roommates at the pub and Jackie actually came onto me. Or maybe I came onto her? I don't know. Her leg kept being up against mine and we were just getting along like always. At some point when we were walking home we got sidetracked by this playground. I just really fucking felt like going down a slide. I don't know. Sometimes, seeing things that I used to enjoy as a child really seems appealing when I drink too much. One of these days, I'll get back on my skateboard and break something while drunk. So, I ran up the slide and started playing around. Fuck, I think I got brush burn on my knee going down- just remembered that. Alcohol is fun, ha! She just sort of laughed at me. It might have been taken in a bad way by anyone else but I could tell she was amused by me in a sort of admiration sort of way. Like she wished she could be so carefree. I dunno, I mean, just do it then. I didn't bother her and she didn't bother me. At some point I think we ended up sitting on the bench in the park and I think I just put my arm around her on instinct and she just sort of leaned to me and I really don't know how it happened. I think I might have tried it on her. Or maybe she really did initiate? I don't know. Sometimes I don't mind being the chaser. I sort of think she needs to be chased, ya know? She kissed me back, anyhow. We ended back at our apartment and our roommates were awake and we didn't want to make it awkward, so I just said goodnight and made it to my room before she and I talked. I haven't heard anyone else awake yet so I'm not sure if she's even okay with it all. I definitely need to start figuring my shit out. If a girl like Jackie is interested in me, then I need to fucking get it together.
Journal entry #5,632
Dear Diary-
I was invited out last night by our roommates for dinner with their folks and I knew Jackie would be there but I decided to be a fucking coward instead. I'm too afraid of what the fuck that meant. I really like Jackie and I fucking thought about her too much and now I can't unthink her like that. FUCK. I think she really wanted me to go. I hope she's not offended. Ugh! Did I just fuck everything up between us??? I need to just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for awhile. I really hope she isn't mad at me.
Journal entry #5,633
Dear Diary-
There's a neighborhood potluck today and everyone I know will be there. I'm not sure what it means because I haven't spoken to Jackie at all. I'm not even sure she likes me. I think I'm going to just bring this fucking amazing dessert I made and just fucking be myself. Awkward and weird. FUCK!
Journal entry #5,634
Dear Diary-
Well the potluck was kind of okay, I guess. It was weird because Jackie's parents ended up there somehow and her little brother, Nathan, too. He's pretty cool I guess... for a kid anyways. I don't know how I feel about them being around but we are all forced to hang out sometimes and it's going to be awkward I guess. Every time I tried to find a place to sit or stand, Jackie was sort of there and I didn't mind it because it just felt right. Just natural. She kept looking at me deeply and it sort of made me uncomfortable. What if she sees the image I created of her looking back at her? What if she doesn't like it? The food was good, at least. After all that, we decided to go tubing because Nick and Sam really wanted to go do something summery. It really was a beautiful day, and I sort of wanted to talk to Jackie and I thought that could be a good time. I just enjoyed the sunshine and the air. I was also trying my best to look cool but I think I failed miserably. I'm just a fucking dork. Jackie never ceases to point this out. I really hate when Sam teases me though. She just always makes it seem mean. Like theres some secret that I'm not in on. I'm glad Nick doesn't seem to notice. Jackie just teases me like I'm her kid brother or something. It doesn't seem judgy, just sort of playful. At some point Nick and Sam's tubes ended up a whole bend ahead and Jackie and I were able to talk more. She seemed reluctant to let me in how how she was feeling but she didn't seem opposed when I said I didn't want her to stop kissing me randomly when we got drunk together. She did let me in on the fact that Sam saw us kissing. I had forgotten about that. Good to know. That sort of makes it more awkward in some ways and less in others. I'm not sure I'm done thinking about all this. It's a lot to process.. I just need some time to think.
Journal entry #5,655
Dear Diary-
Jackie is now sending me weird gifs on snap chat and I also wonder if that is just a thing people do these days or if it's just what she does. She is really secretive and quiet and I find myself mostly being sort of nervous and oversharing. Why did I fucking tell her all that shit about pretty much every embarrassing moment I ever had. WHY did I feel the need to do that!? Her snaps are funny sometimes though. At least we share a sense of humor. When I see her she has become super quiet. I just don't know what to think about that.
Journal entry #5,781
Dear Diary-
Susie got ahold of me. She messaged me over messenger and asked if I wanted to hang out. She told me she hates texting. Why the hell did she message me to tell me she hates messages? It just sort of blew my mind. I guess we are supposed to hang out...? I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm still really hung up on Jackie but she said she doesn't want to be serious with me. I don't know what to think about that either. She keeps showing up randomly and we usually end up kissing. Sometimes, I don't even realize she is home and she will just plop down on the couch and act like she's my big sister, just hanging out, shooting the shit. She'll get closer and closer to me. I get so fucking nervous, does she know how much I want to be with her? I didn't even really notice that she started messaging me on messenger. I just kept getting snaps and then it stopped and then I was getting notifications on messenger and I guess that is just a thing people do now? I don't fucking know how to date. I am supposed to see Susie on Friday. I'm not sure how it'll go. I don't know what I even want out of that. I think I'm just trying to get over Jackie. She doesn't really seem all that interested. She's fucking confusing the fuck out of me.
Journal entry #5,784
Dear Diary-
I asked Jackie how she felt about me seeing Susie and she said I should go for it. She seemed enthusiastic even. I don't fucking understand this girl, at all. If she likes me, why would she tell me to hang out with Susie? Especially since Nick, Sam, Jackie, and I are supposed to go see a show together tomorrow and we got hotel rooms. I am pretty sure theres just two rooms. And Nick and Sam are definitely sharing a room. Fuck, this is just so fucked. I don't know if I should hang out with Susie. FUCK.
Journal entry #5,788
Dear Diary-
Jackie is still being elusive. I really don't like how I'm becoming obsessed with being with her. She keeps saying she doesn't want a relationship but, she keeps inviting me to do things with her and trying to meet up with me. I am really afraid that I'm going to get hurt but, I don't see the point in stopping it either. Nick and Sam are both tired of hearing me talk about her and they offer shitty advice anyways. I guess Nick is supportive but Sam's riddles are really fucking annoying. Stop making references to damn plants. Be fucking direct if you want me to understand what the fuck you mean. Don't tell a person who overanalyzes things some metaphor about how plants take time to grow. Fuck!
Journal entry #5,890
Dear Diary-
Jackie told me last night that she just wants to be friends and that she doesn't want to hurt me so we need to stop sleeping together. I feel like she ripped my heart from my damn chest. I went out with two of my buddies and got wasted. A few girls came up to me and tried to talk to me. I wasn't interested and I went home. I ended up texting my crazy ex and I regretted reaching out because now she is sort of acting confused by me reaching out. I shouldn't have done that. I was just lonely and wished I had someone to talk to in that way again. Jackie is my fucking best friend and I just feel like she cut me out. I feel like I need to move out of my house. Change my location. Maybe I can just let her go and not be her friend anymore. I don't fucking want that but, I'm fucking hurt.
Journal entry #5,991
Dear Diary-
I somehow didn't see Jackie for almost a week. I think our paths just weren't crossing. She was busy with work and I was busy with work and I dunno, I just have been avoiding the apartment, also. She kept calling me at weird times. I am glad she calls me and asks me for advice sometimes. I'm glad that she listens to me. I dunno. I'm just not sure what to think about it all. She still seems like she wants to be more than just my friend but she isn't allowing herself to do it. I know how I feel. I fucking care about her so much!
Journal entry #5,999
Dear Diary-
Classic Jackie. She ended up sleeping in my bed again. I don't know what the fuck is her deal. She just acts like she's testing out how it would be to be in a relationship with me and I just fucking let her. She's playing the weirdest games with me.
Journal entry #6,012
Dear Diary-
Jackie told me she loved me last night. Or maybe she didn't? I don't fucking know. She stays in my room a few times a week. Or I stay with her a few times a week. Not everyday, just enough to make me wonder if this is a thing or not. Just when I think it's a thing, she just disappears. She's fucking confusing as hell. She says she doesn't want a relationship and then she fucking whispers I love you right before bed? I was so damn tired, I didn't even hear her at first. Then it was too long of a pause once I realized that it sounded like she said it- but, then, nothing. It was too fucking late. I wasn't allowing myself to love her because she keeps pushing me away. Like, I'm standing right fucking here and she keeps pushing me away and then pulling me back in. It's confusing as fuck! I don't know how I feel about it. I need time to fucking think. But, then she just fucking stopped talking to me. It's like I just became dead to her. FUCK!
Journal entry #6,025
Dear Diary-
Jackie is just my friend again. We were going to make dinner together and she said she wanted to stay in my room and when I got home from work, she told me she needed to just be my fucking friend. I was pissed, obviously. She just keeps fucking with my head and heart and I don't know what the fuck to do. I want to just be with her. I want to feel secure with her. I can't get a foothold on my feelings because she keeps backing away! Just when I start to feel comfortable, she is OUT. I'm heartbroken. I feel like I just lost my best fucking friend! She says she just wants to be there for me and we can still talk and she gave me the nicest hug and kissed me really sweet. Why would she do that if she just wanted to be my friend??? This is the most frustrated I've ever been with someone. Make up your damn mind! Love me or let me go!
Journal entry #6,026
Dear Diary-
I had a long talk with Jackie and I feel a little better I guess. I can't tell if she is just being there for me or if she truly wants to be my friend but she says she does. I dunno how I feel. I just need to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for awhile.
Journal entry #6,030
Dear Diary-
We had a dinner party and invited some friends over and I was feeling kind of awkward at first because even though Jackie and I talk a lot, we don't hang out in groups and I was feeling weird about it. I decided to just play it cool and at some point we ran into each other in the hallway. She came up to me and kept getting closer and closer like she does and she kissed me. I don't think I care anymore. Jackie is just like that. She needs what she needs when she needs it and my needs don't seem to matter. I am generally always ready to kiss her back and she's okay with that as long as it's on her terms. Whatever, dude. Fuckin hell.
Journal entry #6,035
Dear Diary-
This is just a thing that Jackie does now and I just go back and forth between caring and not. I keep trying to focus on my own life but then I think about how fucking awesome Jackie and I would be together and she keeps saying she isn't ready. I know I'm not ready either, I guess. With all this obsessing I do over her, I can't be ready for something more serious. Maybe she's just been protecting me this whole time. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But, when I needed a hug last week, she was there. When I was hungry, she made me dinner. She is just fucking there for me when I need her and I guess that's just what it is. We need each other or something. Even if that means it's just this weird friendship that is more than that. I just never had a connection with anyone like I do with her. Maybe with Susie. I dunno. Susie is just too involved with her personal shit. She never reciprocated the way I needed her to. Maybe I'm just repeating an old fucking pattern. I dunno. Fuck!
Journal entry #6,043
Dear diary-
My crazy ex suddenly is in love with me again. It's fucking weird as shit. Maybe she's just getting lonely, I dunno. She texts me randomly and picks fights all the fucking time and I would ignore her mostly but I dunno, I guess I'm a glutton for punishment and sometimes I would respond and tell her that I'm happy she's moved on and maybe she should stop fucking texting me and focus on her own life, I don't fucking know. But, for whatever reason, she got it in her head that she is in love with me this week. I've given her about ZERO to go off of. She's fucking insane. I wish that Jackie would write to me that way. She won't ever though. She's just not like that. It's fine. She and I talk a lot. She'd rather talk to me than text me. Whatever. Call me randomly on your lunch breaks or while I'm at work. Call me when you're out with your friends and they've gone out for a smoke. Fine. Fucking let me in when I ask you if I can come in your room and fucking fine. Talk to me and shoot the shit like we never had any deep conversations. Enjoy your alone time, Jackie. Fuck.
Journal entry #6,045
Dear Diary-
I can't get out of bed. I tried talking to Jackie. And Nick. I didn't try to talk to Sam. I reached out to my family. My other friends. Some of them got back to me. Some of them tried. I just don't know how I feel about all this shit. I'm really sick of my crazy ex trying to go out of her way to be with me. She needs to fucking stop. I need a distraction but I don't want to put Jackie in that position. I really love her. She's my best friend and I can't have her be hurt like I am. Maybe that's why she keeps me at bay. I don't fucking know. She says she has shit to work on but, she seems like she has her shit together to me. She talks a lot about what she wants to do and seems to be doing it. It's hard to tell. depression is the worst. I can't fucking get out of bed and I don't want to. I just want to lay here until it stops raining. Jackie fucking asked me out on a date. I clarified it was a date. I just don't fucking know what to think about that. She is just fucking with my head and I can't seem to let her go. I just want to have my shit figured out but I don't know if I ever will. It's the same response Jackie gives me when we talk about kids. She says she just wants to feel like she's ready but she doesn't know if she ever will be. I don't fucking know either Jackie. Sometimes you just have to take a leap and be okay with it. If it doesn't work out, it's not like time will stand still until you figure your shit out. Just fucking do it or don't. Whatever. I just need more time. Or less. It depends on the damn day. Fuck!
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