I feel like I’m looking into the mirror. On the other side is a confused face. I thought about the first time we hooked up. I just went with you. It just made sense. We didn’t overthink because we couldn’t. We drank and smoked and drank some more. I wanted to come along. I wanted to drive with you. I said yes. We were stopped at a red light and somehow I was tasting your cigarette. We leaned into each other and it was done. The light changed and we drove off. Like it was a normal thing we had done a thousand times. It felt like we already had. This was now just a thing we do, again. There was time in between. The thrill of being caught. The sound of him calling into the night was a warning. Fuck off of her. We answered with friendliness instead. It felt like this was normal. This was here all along. It wasn’t a curious thing after all. You drove me back to my car and we parked. The night was lost so quickly. I just wanted to feel your skin close to mine again. It was just a thing we do now, so it didn't need to make sense. It was just there all along. Things kept going and I kept stopping to think. To overthink. My shape, my body, my breath, did I smell bad? Could I even smell anymore? I think my whole head just left the backseat of the car and the shell of me was left just confused and wondering. Staring into your face, in the abyss of my mind, and only I broke the silence to ask, "what?" What was the confused state on your face? I knew what mine was. Maybe that's all it was. You were confused why I was stopping. I don't know. I overthought it. As soon as I stopped thinking it was just this thing that we do now that made sense again. I didn't need to do anything, I wanted to feel your skin against mine. I wanted you inside of me and around me. To know what you were thinking and what you wanted to do. What were your dreams and aspirations? Who was your favorite teacher? Did you even like school? Why do I feel like I know you when I don't know you at all?
You wanted to push the boundary and you tip-toed around the line, trying to cross it or see if I would. You didn't really know what I wanted. Did I want you to keep going? I wasn't sure. I did want you to. But I couldn't let you. I didn't have a better answer except no. No?
I remember when I left I kept thinking about "Two Weeks" by Grizzly Bear but I didn't know the name of the song. I sat in my car for far too long trying to find it. The night was silent and my neighborhood was warm. The summer air was on my skin. I felt the sun all day and it was warm. It soaked into my bones and rang out as I walked to my door. I was radiating the heat of the day, the warmth of your skin, the pressure of my happiness. I don't remember coming home. I don't remember any of that. I think I just went to bed like I always did. I went to bed feeling peaceful. I had just caused so much chaos. Simultaneously, I felt like I had just gone home in my mind and it was lovely. I just warmed my soul and was happy. Something was different in me and if I didn't overthink, it was good.
I think about the time I stayed with you often. The feeling I felt. Not knowing what would happen but not expecting anything either. I sat in your car while you drove. Winding down roads and feeling like it was easy. There wasn't any reason to be difficult. There was no fight coming. There wasn't any weird negativity in the air. The air was fresh and warm. The windows down, blowing my hair into my sunglasses. It was muggy but it was nice. We found a little stream and a waterfall. I photographed a few mushrooms. I was drawn to one because it looked like a nipple. Just a strange nipple growing out of a mossy tree on a bank of a creek. The light shined through the trees and it was just like magic. I remembered what it was like to be outside again. To feel something for the earth and nature. I was able to be brought back to life. My light was shining inside and this weird little mushroom was erect and pointing up at me. I laughed about it. I laughed a lot around you. You were always cheerful. Even if there was an issue, you just find a way to bring it back. You don't take it out on anyone. You just "oh well" it out of your mind. I admired that about you.
I think we took a nap after that. Two old people laying in a bed, tired from the sun and smoking and life. When we woke up we fell into each other. Laying there holding each other for a few hours and somehow waking up, there needed to be more contact. Maybe I caused it. Maybe you couldn't have cared less. I'm not sure. I'll probably never know. Actions > Words. I think you wanted me to be with you as much as I wanted to be there. The confusion on our mirrored faces.
I wrote a few words about how I felt the magnetism with you. We look at each other like a mirror, confused and not upset about it. I was drawn to you no matter how many times I decided I was insane for doing so. I just felt peace and like home and like the pull is there. If we drink or smoke, then it's easier to forget why we shouldn't. We just let the pull take us and there we are. Just like we always were. I deleted it. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I never do. I don't like the fall. I fall and I don't like it. I needed to not do that. I needed to just let it be nothing. Don't overthink this. This is a thing we do and that's that.
I think about the time there was a spaghetti party. I had my kids and you were with your wife and daughter. You said hello to me and you looked at me, sideways, confused mirror. I said hello. I wondered if you knew or remembered or if I did that, it wasn't the first time we met. There was a familiarity that we both recognized but failed to understand. Your daughter held my daughter in her arms. It was sweet and sincere. I felt like I was home. I couldn't explain it but, I did. I felt like I had found something I was missing. It was just there all along. I left and when I got home I didn't understand anything anymore. This was just a home I didn't belong in anymore.
You touched my back and arm so gently, I barely felt it. We smoked and I was overthinking. I overthink everything. I think you do, too. This is fucking good. And we work really fucking well together. This thing that we just do now, it's super easy. As long as we don't overthink it. It's peaceful and quiet and happy. I get uncomfortable by you staring into my eyes. I don't like to look at people's eyes. I feel like if I look too long into yours, you'll see something I don't know about and it'll crawl out and spook everyone. There's something strange growing in my mind and if you look too long into my eyes, it'll spoil everything. I closed my eyes tight and it just made me want to touch you. I overthink everything and I start babbling. You were passing out, maybe? Maybe I needed to sleep also. You agreed though. For whatever it was worth or meant. We are kind of stupid perfect for each other. We do pretty much work really well together. As long as I don't think about it, it's still just this thing we do now. I laid down and spooned you. We drifted in and out of sleep, waking each other up accidentally. I opened my eyes and you were already looking at me. You smiled, half asleep, rubbed my back, squeezed me in tighter. You kissed my forehead and I settled back into the pillow. I feel asleep then for a few hours.
"You are so sweet." You leaned in to kiss me and I didn't move. I anticipated instead. You wanted to stay away. You said you would. I said it was okay. I let you walk away, even though it was hard. I didn't want to. I let it be what it was. I felt like a hole had opened up but you grabbed my face and kissed my lips. You didn't want to let go. You told me to call you. Rely on you. Need you. You said this was it but it wasn't the end. Just a pause. I didn't know what to do about that. It hurt. A lot. I didn't want to let you go. I just felt like my best friend disowned me. Except, did you? I asked you what you were doing and you said you didn't know but your face was closer and closer to mine. It was really fucking good. I started to overthink and it crashed down. This is just what it was. You told me that we still weren't anything. That, fuck, you were sorry. Fuck, we should't have done that. I disagreed. I think you were surprised. I think we are fucking magnets and there is only so much repelling you can do before one of them flips back around and clicks back into place.
None of it matters. It's just this thing we do now. This weird thing we do that we both don't understand and do. If we think too hard then none of it really makes any sense. None of it has meaning. This means a lot and nothing somehow. I can be filling up that bathtub and you may disappear for awhile. Or maybe I do. I'm not sure. I can be drifting off to sleep and know that somewhere out there, is a magnet that is clicking into place for me. Somewhere inside of myself is a ball of warmth and comfort and I feel my heart beat and it beats back double. I feel myself drifting in and out of my body. Where do I go at night? Where does my mind travel to? This weird thing that we do now is just a distraction; the overthinking taking over. I don't know what I want but I do. I don't know what I need but I do. I don't know what I am prepared to do but I do. I'm not sure what anything means ever and whether my whole life has been leading up to this time or not. Was I supposed to meet you then? I failed that test, I think. I didn't want to know you then. I stepped back up to the plate and you didn't pass that test. You didn't want to know me then. We both stepped back up to the plate and we saw each other. I didn't know you were going to be there. Did you know I was going to be there? We talked most of the night. I think I broke your watch. I swore I was smart enough to figure it out. I would have if I wasn't so drunk. It didn't work. I fixed it later. I think I flipped you off one day when you tried to joke to me about it. I was embarrassed. I felt something. I was denying. I did fix it. Later. And again, when the time changed in the fall.
It all means something. That I was meant to be here in these moments. That I was meant to be reminded of what I didn't recall before. That there was life and love and meaning inside of myself and you smiled at all of that and coaxed it out. How did you do that? How did you help me find myself? Is this all just a one way street? Did you feel anything like that how I felt? Did I help you find yourself again? Did this turn into a two way street at some point? Or is this is just a weird thing we do now.
You wanted to push the boundary and you tip-toed around the line, trying to cross it or see if I would. You didn't really know what I wanted. Did I want you to keep going? I wasn't sure. I did want you to. But I couldn't let you. I didn't have a better answer except no. No?
I remember when I left I kept thinking about "Two Weeks" by Grizzly Bear but I didn't know the name of the song. I sat in my car for far too long trying to find it. The night was silent and my neighborhood was warm. The summer air was on my skin. I felt the sun all day and it was warm. It soaked into my bones and rang out as I walked to my door. I was radiating the heat of the day, the warmth of your skin, the pressure of my happiness. I don't remember coming home. I don't remember any of that. I think I just went to bed like I always did. I went to bed feeling peaceful. I had just caused so much chaos. Simultaneously, I felt like I had just gone home in my mind and it was lovely. I just warmed my soul and was happy. Something was different in me and if I didn't overthink, it was good.
I think about the time I stayed with you often. The feeling I felt. Not knowing what would happen but not expecting anything either. I sat in your car while you drove. Winding down roads and feeling like it was easy. There wasn't any reason to be difficult. There was no fight coming. There wasn't any weird negativity in the air. The air was fresh and warm. The windows down, blowing my hair into my sunglasses. It was muggy but it was nice. We found a little stream and a waterfall. I photographed a few mushrooms. I was drawn to one because it looked like a nipple. Just a strange nipple growing out of a mossy tree on a bank of a creek. The light shined through the trees and it was just like magic. I remembered what it was like to be outside again. To feel something for the earth and nature. I was able to be brought back to life. My light was shining inside and this weird little mushroom was erect and pointing up at me. I laughed about it. I laughed a lot around you. You were always cheerful. Even if there was an issue, you just find a way to bring it back. You don't take it out on anyone. You just "oh well" it out of your mind. I admired that about you.
I think we took a nap after that. Two old people laying in a bed, tired from the sun and smoking and life. When we woke up we fell into each other. Laying there holding each other for a few hours and somehow waking up, there needed to be more contact. Maybe I caused it. Maybe you couldn't have cared less. I'm not sure. I'll probably never know. Actions > Words. I think you wanted me to be with you as much as I wanted to be there. The confusion on our mirrored faces.
I wrote a few words about how I felt the magnetism with you. We look at each other like a mirror, confused and not upset about it. I was drawn to you no matter how many times I decided I was insane for doing so. I just felt peace and like home and like the pull is there. If we drink or smoke, then it's easier to forget why we shouldn't. We just let the pull take us and there we are. Just like we always were. I deleted it. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I never do. I don't like the fall. I fall and I don't like it. I needed to not do that. I needed to just let it be nothing. Don't overthink this. This is a thing we do and that's that.
I think about the time there was a spaghetti party. I had my kids and you were with your wife and daughter. You said hello to me and you looked at me, sideways, confused mirror. I said hello. I wondered if you knew or remembered or if I did that, it wasn't the first time we met. There was a familiarity that we both recognized but failed to understand. Your daughter held my daughter in her arms. It was sweet and sincere. I felt like I was home. I couldn't explain it but, I did. I felt like I had found something I was missing. It was just there all along. I left and when I got home I didn't understand anything anymore. This was just a home I didn't belong in anymore.
You touched my back and arm so gently, I barely felt it. We smoked and I was overthinking. I overthink everything. I think you do, too. This is fucking good. And we work really fucking well together. This thing that we just do now, it's super easy. As long as we don't overthink it. It's peaceful and quiet and happy. I get uncomfortable by you staring into my eyes. I don't like to look at people's eyes. I feel like if I look too long into yours, you'll see something I don't know about and it'll crawl out and spook everyone. There's something strange growing in my mind and if you look too long into my eyes, it'll spoil everything. I closed my eyes tight and it just made me want to touch you. I overthink everything and I start babbling. You were passing out, maybe? Maybe I needed to sleep also. You agreed though. For whatever it was worth or meant. We are kind of stupid perfect for each other. We do pretty much work really well together. As long as I don't think about it, it's still just this thing we do now. I laid down and spooned you. We drifted in and out of sleep, waking each other up accidentally. I opened my eyes and you were already looking at me. You smiled, half asleep, rubbed my back, squeezed me in tighter. You kissed my forehead and I settled back into the pillow. I feel asleep then for a few hours.
"You are so sweet." You leaned in to kiss me and I didn't move. I anticipated instead. You wanted to stay away. You said you would. I said it was okay. I let you walk away, even though it was hard. I didn't want to. I let it be what it was. I felt like a hole had opened up but you grabbed my face and kissed my lips. You didn't want to let go. You told me to call you. Rely on you. Need you. You said this was it but it wasn't the end. Just a pause. I didn't know what to do about that. It hurt. A lot. I didn't want to let you go. I just felt like my best friend disowned me. Except, did you? I asked you what you were doing and you said you didn't know but your face was closer and closer to mine. It was really fucking good. I started to overthink and it crashed down. This is just what it was. You told me that we still weren't anything. That, fuck, you were sorry. Fuck, we should't have done that. I disagreed. I think you were surprised. I think we are fucking magnets and there is only so much repelling you can do before one of them flips back around and clicks back into place.
None of it matters. It's just this thing we do now. This weird thing we do that we both don't understand and do. If we think too hard then none of it really makes any sense. None of it has meaning. This means a lot and nothing somehow. I can be filling up that bathtub and you may disappear for awhile. Or maybe I do. I'm not sure. I can be drifting off to sleep and know that somewhere out there, is a magnet that is clicking into place for me. Somewhere inside of myself is a ball of warmth and comfort and I feel my heart beat and it beats back double. I feel myself drifting in and out of my body. Where do I go at night? Where does my mind travel to? This weird thing that we do now is just a distraction; the overthinking taking over. I don't know what I want but I do. I don't know what I need but I do. I don't know what I am prepared to do but I do. I'm not sure what anything means ever and whether my whole life has been leading up to this time or not. Was I supposed to meet you then? I failed that test, I think. I didn't want to know you then. I stepped back up to the plate and you didn't pass that test. You didn't want to know me then. We both stepped back up to the plate and we saw each other. I didn't know you were going to be there. Did you know I was going to be there? We talked most of the night. I think I broke your watch. I swore I was smart enough to figure it out. I would have if I wasn't so drunk. It didn't work. I fixed it later. I think I flipped you off one day when you tried to joke to me about it. I was embarrassed. I felt something. I was denying. I did fix it. Later. And again, when the time changed in the fall.
It all means something. That I was meant to be here in these moments. That I was meant to be reminded of what I didn't recall before. That there was life and love and meaning inside of myself and you smiled at all of that and coaxed it out. How did you do that? How did you help me find myself? Is this all just a one way street? Did you feel anything like that how I felt? Did I help you find yourself again? Did this turn into a two way street at some point? Or is this is just a weird thing we do now.
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