Vivian sat in fourth period waiting for it to end. She laid her head down to rest on her arms and fell asleep briefly waiting for the theoretical algebra class to end. She had an affinity for learning at some point in her life but now all she wanted was to go home. She wanted to go home and call her boyfriend, Jude. She wanted Trevor to call her. She wanted to be with whichever boy called her first. She really couldn't make the choice and somehow found herself in a position of waiting, wanting, needing, and feeling incredibly guilty. Jude was sweet, kind, nice and he loved music. He would play guitar and sing for her. He wrote her songs about how he loved her and still, she turned to Trevor. Trevor would smile at her and tell her what she wanted to hear. It was never genuine and it didn't matter. Trevor would just give her a look and she would turn to pudding and it would send her into ecstasy. He knew what to say and how to say it. Trevor had her, at least some part of her, and she let him. He was lucky but, he was too cocky to admit it. Jude was sincere but he was slow and cautious. He told Vivian he loved her and he truly meant it. She didn't reply and he persisted, despite this. Trevor didn't tell Vivian anything. She told him she loved him and he replied, "of course you do." Jude pleaded, begged, wrote her a love song, anything he could to try to gain her favor. He bought her a kaleidoscope for her birthday with a spot for a marble. He remembered that she once told him about her collection of glass paperweights that she picked from flea market trips with her father. He recalled the times she spoke of playing with marbles and counting pennies with her great grandmother, who had since passed away. The gift was thoughtful and meaningful and she said thank you but, it didn't change the fact that when she was with Trevor, she was reminded of a time when things like that didn't matter. When she could just close her eyes and be in the moment of ecstasy without a thought because that is what she was made to feel like as a child. She was an object for desire and it didn't matter what she actually wanted, what she had been taught to deserve was entirely different. No one stopped this. Not her older sister or her mother or even her father. No one told her that she was worth more or that she wasn't born to live her life for others, especially not the favor of men. She was taught that her pure purpose in life was to make her step-dad happy. That if he wasn't happy, then everyone would suffer. She wanted to keep the peace and so she had. She did her best to not flinch when he came up behind her and tried to touch her in places she didn't know she had.
Vivian was startled awake by the bell, sounding the end of mathematics. All for the better, she was much better at that before. Now, she just wanted to curl into a ball and be alone. The only times she felt alive were when Trevor gave her that thrill. She still had four more periods until she could get on the bus to go home. She considered walking. Sometimes, walking home gave her the solitude she needed to reset and have strength. It wasn't always the case, though. Sometimes, Trevor would be waiting in her driveway after school. Arms crossed, a scowl on his face. He tried to be so cool and it wasn't entirely an act. He truly was an ego filled boy who knew that if he even gave the hint that he didn't know what he was doing, she wouldn't give him the time of day. His outright confidence was all he had going for him to keep her. The time passed by slowly, and she didn't see Trevor or Jude in the halls. They knew of each other. Jude knew that Trevor wasn't good enough for her and Trevor knew this as well. But, for this moment, these couple of months, they both knew Trevor had temporarily won. When Vivian got out of school, she avoided anyone saying their goodbyes and instead made a straight shot out of the door and on the sidewalk. She wanted to be alone and even if this meant pushing people away, she would be. When she got home, she paced. If Jude didn't call her then she wouldn't call him. Forget him. He didn't get to come and go into her life as he pleased. He wasn't always so forthcoming about how he felt or what he was thinking and she grew weary of having to constantly ask. She really wanted him to want to open up to her and tell her everything she could know about him. After all, Vivian had poured her heart out to him time and time again. When she began to pour her heart out to Trevor, he reciprocated. He told her about his absent father, his mother going through a divorce, his step-father using cocaine and alcohol to deal with his entire family leaving him. Jude was like molasses with his thoughts and feelings. They poured out slow and steady, never waning and if you happened to say the wrong thing, some poured out but it eventually stopped entirely. This wasn't the case with Trevor. He was open and fluid. He extroverted his emotions onto Vivian which left her feeling like she had what she was missing with Jude. The issue with this was that Jude was kind and Trevor was not. Trevor didn't care about what Vivian said or what he said to her. He just wanted to feel her soft private places and be taken off into oblivion. Jude wanted Vivian for her heart and mind. The added benefits were that she had a lucid sexuality that was pleasing and intriguing.
Vivian called Jude. And she called again several hours later. And again. And again. He wasn't home and he didn't want to be with her. He was off doing something else. This hurt Vivian because she couldn't get Jude off her mind. She wanted to fill her entire life with Jude and his interests. Even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted. She had similar interests so it wasn't far fetched. She wished that Jude's interests included her being there. Vivian hadn't quite figured out how to be alone and she also didn't understand why Jude needed her to just be okay with his independence. Jude loved her with all of his heart but he had a life and he intended on living it. Vivian had no choice but to try to please someone who didn't need her to please them. So she sought someone who wanted to be pleased. She called Trevor and his mother said he was out skateboarding in the nearby park. Vivian dressed and grabbed a book. Sometimes, these sessions were long and boring and she would lose herself in a novel until he was finished. She often would be okay with being by him as long as it meant she could see him when she felt like looking up from her book. Her insecurity of being alone would be soothed if she wasn't truly alone. She showed up and among his usual group of friends, there were some girls she hadn't recognized. It wasn't uncommon for Trevor to have several girls following him around at a time. She just played it cool and he would tell them to leave eventually. When Trevor saw her, he rode his skateboard over to her and kissed her. The other girls must be there to watch his friends, then. They made small talk and she eventually got to her book. Trevor kept trying to do tricks to impress anyone and everyone but, Vivian barely noticed. The game they played was thrilling, to say the least. She pretended not to care and he would. Vice versa. At some point he would offer her a ride home and it would lead to the ecstasy she sought with him.
To be continued...
Vivian was startled awake by the bell, sounding the end of mathematics. All for the better, she was much better at that before. Now, she just wanted to curl into a ball and be alone. The only times she felt alive were when Trevor gave her that thrill. She still had four more periods until she could get on the bus to go home. She considered walking. Sometimes, walking home gave her the solitude she needed to reset and have strength. It wasn't always the case, though. Sometimes, Trevor would be waiting in her driveway after school. Arms crossed, a scowl on his face. He tried to be so cool and it wasn't entirely an act. He truly was an ego filled boy who knew that if he even gave the hint that he didn't know what he was doing, she wouldn't give him the time of day. His outright confidence was all he had going for him to keep her. The time passed by slowly, and she didn't see Trevor or Jude in the halls. They knew of each other. Jude knew that Trevor wasn't good enough for her and Trevor knew this as well. But, for this moment, these couple of months, they both knew Trevor had temporarily won. When Vivian got out of school, she avoided anyone saying their goodbyes and instead made a straight shot out of the door and on the sidewalk. She wanted to be alone and even if this meant pushing people away, she would be. When she got home, she paced. If Jude didn't call her then she wouldn't call him. Forget him. He didn't get to come and go into her life as he pleased. He wasn't always so forthcoming about how he felt or what he was thinking and she grew weary of having to constantly ask. She really wanted him to want to open up to her and tell her everything she could know about him. After all, Vivian had poured her heart out to him time and time again. When she began to pour her heart out to Trevor, he reciprocated. He told her about his absent father, his mother going through a divorce, his step-father using cocaine and alcohol to deal with his entire family leaving him. Jude was like molasses with his thoughts and feelings. They poured out slow and steady, never waning and if you happened to say the wrong thing, some poured out but it eventually stopped entirely. This wasn't the case with Trevor. He was open and fluid. He extroverted his emotions onto Vivian which left her feeling like she had what she was missing with Jude. The issue with this was that Jude was kind and Trevor was not. Trevor didn't care about what Vivian said or what he said to her. He just wanted to feel her soft private places and be taken off into oblivion. Jude wanted Vivian for her heart and mind. The added benefits were that she had a lucid sexuality that was pleasing and intriguing.
Vivian called Jude. And she called again several hours later. And again. And again. He wasn't home and he didn't want to be with her. He was off doing something else. This hurt Vivian because she couldn't get Jude off her mind. She wanted to fill her entire life with Jude and his interests. Even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted. She had similar interests so it wasn't far fetched. She wished that Jude's interests included her being there. Vivian hadn't quite figured out how to be alone and she also didn't understand why Jude needed her to just be okay with his independence. Jude loved her with all of his heart but he had a life and he intended on living it. Vivian had no choice but to try to please someone who didn't need her to please them. So she sought someone who wanted to be pleased. She called Trevor and his mother said he was out skateboarding in the nearby park. Vivian dressed and grabbed a book. Sometimes, these sessions were long and boring and she would lose herself in a novel until he was finished. She often would be okay with being by him as long as it meant she could see him when she felt like looking up from her book. Her insecurity of being alone would be soothed if she wasn't truly alone. She showed up and among his usual group of friends, there were some girls she hadn't recognized. It wasn't uncommon for Trevor to have several girls following him around at a time. She just played it cool and he would tell them to leave eventually. When Trevor saw her, he rode his skateboard over to her and kissed her. The other girls must be there to watch his friends, then. They made small talk and she eventually got to her book. Trevor kept trying to do tricks to impress anyone and everyone but, Vivian barely noticed. The game they played was thrilling, to say the least. She pretended not to care and he would. Vice versa. At some point he would offer her a ride home and it would lead to the ecstasy she sought with him.
To be continued...
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