Everyone needs things. We all have our own lusts and desires. We crave and thrive off of others just as we do ourselves. It's all relative to each being. Some may lust more than love, some may trust more than close, it's all different. Some days I may want one thing and need another, only to have the opposite happen the very next day, or week. I constantly allow myself to be put under a microscope and ask the questions, 'what do you want? what do you need? what are you going to get?' It may vary. What do I deserve? What do I really feel others deserve? Do I spend too much time wondering and not doing? Well, if I'm being honest, probably. I thrive when I give everyone my all. When, at the end of the day, I am full and my heart is open and I have people whom I know have been loved by me, fully. But, that's not always what I need. Sometimes, I just need someone to tell me to take time for myself. Or, to do things for me as I do for them. Mostly, I just need to love and be loved in return. I think it's easy to get lost in the abyss of feeling like I wrap my own heart up and hand deliver it to others, just to have them say, 'thanks,' in monotone. What a crushing sound, to me, to have a lot of effort be thwarted to a single, 'thanks.' Couldn't even be bothered to say the 'you' part of it, or specify why? Hmph. Expectations ring high for someone like me and I'm easily disappointed. I could be in the midst of the greatest love story and have my bubble popped over a single phrase, 'no, I'm just going to stay in tonight,' never fully understanding the magnitude of my own shortcomings. I'll just be standing here blindsided and think, 'on to the next thing,' like a child who sees another shiny new toy, only later realizing my large mistake. But, now, as an adult, as a person who seeks very specific outlets in life, I am coming to realize that my insecurities, for whatever reason, are null and void of reason. Fear, maybe. Or overthinking, perhaps. Lack of patience or desire to wait. I feel as though I have laid out all my cards on the table and I sit back and wonder constantly whether it was the right move, so this time, I sort of hinted that I'm willing to lay all my cards on the table, just shy of an 'all in' to be met with, 'I'm actually gonna just sit this round out.' Painstakingly frustrating and immensely necessary for growth, here I am, wondering if I should fold or walk to another table. I feel as though I'm quite obvious but, then again, perhaps I'm not. Maybe my confusing mind has come out in puzzling behavior, as some other's often does.
I don't know how hard it seems to be with someone like me. Does it seem like it requires much effort? Do I seem high maintenance or clingy? I am sort of a 'set it and forget it' type of person, in actuality. I just need direct communication, thoughtful notes or words, hugs, cuddles, and to be reassured that my feelings matter and that I'm cared for; consistency is pretty key, as is spontaneity. I understand danger and a gravitation to vices. I would rather pretend then live it. I have no problem playing hard to get or pursuing, if it's for a common cause. There can be a thrill or subconscious caution when leaning into someone you don't intend on pursuing but, being on the other end of it, it's confusing and hurtful. Theres an ebb and flow of things that happen constantly. It's only really ever quite clear when we are alone, I suppose. Maybe then, I could be completely wrong. Putting effort into friendships isn't a problem for me. It's that I go the extra mile when it comes to a pursuit and that shows immensely in my past as a distancing from others. I am trying to be more equal, balancing out the amount of effort I put into everyone I love, not just for someone who has the ability to be a life partner. I find that generally, I am more willing to give right now then most people are willing to reciprocate. I am learning that the deed isn't done well if I expect something in return. Even a, 'thanks' should be sufficient to me. My life is quite challenging at times, and the reminders that there are amazing human beings around me and strangers, even, that come in and out of my life- that makes all the difference to me. Turning self loathe or critical gossip into positive inner self realizations and physically hugging someone rather than be unkind has proven to be more effective than anything I have ever tried before.
Before I turn to over analyzing my whole week, the weekend, or even just today, I am so glad I just reminded myself of what truly matters. I absolutely adore so many people right now. I am in awe and in love with my friends and family. I feel as though I have planted a lot of seeds, thousands of good deeds, and I'm seeing them sprout. It sometimes doesn't feel like it will be a forest someday but, I need to remember that all of the admiration, validation, and care that I put into my relationships will be given back, eventually. The fear that my love will not be reciprocated needs to be laid to rest with my passive aggressive language and the drive to focus on negativity. Nothing good will come of opening my heart with expectations or alarm. I choose to give out pieces of myself, not because people ask it of me, or hint, but, because I have the desire to expand. The rawness of vulnerability has me shaking, sometimes. I have yet to feel like it has steered me wrong to be willing and able to give out kindness. So, I suppose I was wrong. I don't need a 'thanks,' although, it is nice to hear. I just need to know that my seed has sprouted something in everyone that has received my acts of kindness. The twinkle in a friend's eye or a smile from a stranger, that should be enough to know it was cherished.
I had a rough start to my week and I think I spent quite a few hours wondering if there was anything that could go right before I realized, everything is going great. I don't actually need to panic. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to and I just have to put effort into the things that matter. Now, it's the end of the week and I don't have any complaints or stresses. I can go to bed peacefully and think about all of the love I gave and received with an open heart and mind. I love and I am loved. Peace is a virtue.
I don't know how hard it seems to be with someone like me. Does it seem like it requires much effort? Do I seem high maintenance or clingy? I am sort of a 'set it and forget it' type of person, in actuality. I just need direct communication, thoughtful notes or words, hugs, cuddles, and to be reassured that my feelings matter and that I'm cared for; consistency is pretty key, as is spontaneity. I understand danger and a gravitation to vices. I would rather pretend then live it. I have no problem playing hard to get or pursuing, if it's for a common cause. There can be a thrill or subconscious caution when leaning into someone you don't intend on pursuing but, being on the other end of it, it's confusing and hurtful. Theres an ebb and flow of things that happen constantly. It's only really ever quite clear when we are alone, I suppose. Maybe then, I could be completely wrong. Putting effort into friendships isn't a problem for me. It's that I go the extra mile when it comes to a pursuit and that shows immensely in my past as a distancing from others. I am trying to be more equal, balancing out the amount of effort I put into everyone I love, not just for someone who has the ability to be a life partner. I find that generally, I am more willing to give right now then most people are willing to reciprocate. I am learning that the deed isn't done well if I expect something in return. Even a, 'thanks' should be sufficient to me. My life is quite challenging at times, and the reminders that there are amazing human beings around me and strangers, even, that come in and out of my life- that makes all the difference to me. Turning self loathe or critical gossip into positive inner self realizations and physically hugging someone rather than be unkind has proven to be more effective than anything I have ever tried before.
Before I turn to over analyzing my whole week, the weekend, or even just today, I am so glad I just reminded myself of what truly matters. I absolutely adore so many people right now. I am in awe and in love with my friends and family. I feel as though I have planted a lot of seeds, thousands of good deeds, and I'm seeing them sprout. It sometimes doesn't feel like it will be a forest someday but, I need to remember that all of the admiration, validation, and care that I put into my relationships will be given back, eventually. The fear that my love will not be reciprocated needs to be laid to rest with my passive aggressive language and the drive to focus on negativity. Nothing good will come of opening my heart with expectations or alarm. I choose to give out pieces of myself, not because people ask it of me, or hint, but, because I have the desire to expand. The rawness of vulnerability has me shaking, sometimes. I have yet to feel like it has steered me wrong to be willing and able to give out kindness. So, I suppose I was wrong. I don't need a 'thanks,' although, it is nice to hear. I just need to know that my seed has sprouted something in everyone that has received my acts of kindness. The twinkle in a friend's eye or a smile from a stranger, that should be enough to know it was cherished.
I had a rough start to my week and I think I spent quite a few hours wondering if there was anything that could go right before I realized, everything is going great. I don't actually need to panic. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to and I just have to put effort into the things that matter. Now, it's the end of the week and I don't have any complaints or stresses. I can go to bed peacefully and think about all of the love I gave and received with an open heart and mind. I love and I am loved. Peace is a virtue.
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