My first boyfriend was really amazing. I lucked out there...? I always tell myself I wish I would have met him when I was "30" and it's true. He was a kind, old, wise soul. His music tastes were interesting. He was into collecting old coins and he had amazing style. I loved his vintage corduroy bell bottoms and flowery button-ups. He had beautiful curly, dirty blonde hair and sea green eyes. I wrote so much poetry for that boy. I was head over heels for him. He was everything. He was my first everything. I was his first almost everything. We did everything. He cheated on me with my best friend. She's still my best friend. I forgave them both, though it took a few years. It fucked me up. I was already fucked up.
The first guy I kissed was a jerk though. He invited me over for tacos, my favorite meal, one night and his dad caressed my hand during prayer. It really was creepy. Almost a year later, of being in and out of his house, his dad stopped me in the kitchen and told me that I couldn't get by him until I kissed him on the cheek. Scared SHITLESS, and wanting OUT, I pecked his approaching cheek as quick as possible and RAN the FUCK away from him. I told my boyfriend about it and he then forever teased me about it and said, "you're not going anywhere without a kiss!" which I found endearing but also highly insensitive, that dude is clearly a pedophile.
When I found out that my best friend made out with my boyfriend, I walked across the street to where a few of my friend's were hanging out and ended up cuddling on the couch with a guy I had a crush on. It was sort of weird because we didn't do anything but, I knew it was a wrong thing to do. I had mentally cheated on him. It was not the greatest day but, I still regret doing it.
I had an ex who was really funny. He would pull me out of any situation by making a joke. He'd say, "Bets..." and I would be grounded and return to reality. He made me feel like a child but, I didn't mind. He would "dad" me sometimes, pulling me in from spiraling. But. His ego was the size of Texas. He was a narcissistic piece of shit. The bad qualities in him made me triggered by the good qualities in him. I had so many trust issues after that relationship. We had sex so many random places that it was almost a game. How many times can he make me cum with the door open and his mom could walk in any minute to change the laundry? What about the sweet, young girl who messaged me on IM asking if I thought he really, truly liked her or if he was playing games-well honey, we just had sex and afterwards he told me he thought I was the one; I'm not sure he is that into you. I dropped off the box of comics we drew to each other with other mementos in a snowstorm while listening to Velvet Underground. Snow is cleansing.
His little brother BEGGED me to let him lose his virginity to me, too. I felt weird about it but I felt like my narcissist ex was pushing us together. It doesn't really matter though because he started dating my friend behind my back and then his little brother ended up dating her too. I think they just had a thing for the same girls. It was a weird thing. Those dudes were fucked up.
I fell for a guy in my class- he was a wordsmith. Half the time he spoke in so many riddles I didn't know what he meant. The metaphors got too deep and he would treat me like a ditz. I just didn't understand why he couldn't just be clear about what he was saying. He used a lot of inside jokes that didn't resonate with my lifestyle. He would roll blunts in front of me- act like I was so innocent to it (I was) and then ask me if it was okay to continue when his friend's weren't listening. No, I don't care if you get high. No, I don't want any. He lost his virginity on his friend's bed with me and I still to this day, don't understand why he couldn't just be straightforward with me. Ah well. He's married now. I enjoyed the silly times we had where we made out in the dark room in the only room without a camera when the other guy in our class asked if we were done rolling our unexposed films onto metal reels. Like, no, dude, he's got his hand up my shirt- we are still CLEARLY rolling film. I dunno. I can't "quite" get it on straight.
My best friend tried to hook me up with her friend. He was really into ceramics. I watched him work on a paper mâché project for school while he talked about his crazy ex-girlfriend (who he later married and had kids with) and how she was the worst. I could relate. I found it weird that he was more interested in me touching his nipples than touching mine. It didn't matter though. We were both back with our crazy exes soon enough.
I treated the next guy like shit. He was kind, although a bit of a mooch. I loved him so very dearly. But... I was damaged. And I didn't deal with that shit. He collected obscure figurines, he drew everyday. He drew cartoons of dicks, mostly himself with his dick out. I thought he was really hilarious. He drew a lot of cartoons about poop also. They were always so happy and funny. I enjoyed his art and music. He was silly and fun. We ate a lot of tacos together. I would fall asleep next to him, on my stomach, with my left leg on the back of his legs. He got annoyed eventually but, never told me to stop. I would put my arm on his back and my head on his shoulder, empty for his head turned the other way. I would go to his mom's house, which wreaked of cigarettes, his dog Dutchess, who bit practically EVERYONE, would run up to me for pets and shake after. I would crawl into his leopard print futon when he would seemingly be asleep and then whisper, "you smell like sandwiches. I like it." I was passive-aggressive because I suck and also he didn't have a car. Or a license. Or a house. I had an apartment and he never wanted to stay there. It hurt me and I didn't know why I went so far out of my way to be kind to him when he barley reciprocated. If he did, I was too resentful to notice. He sometimes would cross dress, or wear my clothes, whichever way you want to look at it. I didn't mind. I thought sometimes I would get a little insecure, bigger playing field for him to cheat on me- but, as far as I know, we didn't have an issue with that. I can't help but think back when he broke up with me. He told me he wanted to stay over at his friend's house. I had just found out I had stage 2 cancer. I was having surgery the next day and I asked him to hold me all night. He didn't want to stay with me. He wanted to be with his friend. He wanted to have a sleepover with this dude rather than comfort me when I really fucking needed it. I would hold him every goddamn night and he couldn't return the favor when I had cancer. I fucked that friend, after we broke up. I even drove to my ex's house with him- he ran into my ex's house and grabbed my Doors record and my record player. Life is so strange sometimes.
I was single for a little while after that. I decided to work on myself. Try to organize my shit. I started school. I was in and out of jobs- trying to find myself. I was living with my narcissist ex at the time- separate bedrooms. Despite what anyone thinks- we never had sex there. I didn't want to. I thought he was toxic and I liked his girlfriend at the time, though she turned out to be a lesbian, she was still really nice and I didn't want to hurt her. My best friend moved in with me after that. That was slightly better, I supposed. My one cat hated her boyfriend. He was kind of a douche. We got really close and he also got really close with a lot of girls she was friend's with. She would invite people over to drink and I was always sober and it was sometimes a thing. I would feel awkward about it- because PEOPLE in my SPACE, DUDE. One of her ex's friends pooped in a q-tip container, which I then turned into a pot for a plant. It was kind of funny but kind of NOT since I was super uptight about it. Her friend Sean, AKA Baldie, hung around a lot. He was an interesting fellow. He graduated from Lancaster Bible College but since had gone atheist- we had a lot of in depth conversations. My cross dressing ex's friend (who was underage at the time) tried to get me to come over and let him lose his virginity to me- um. No thanks, dude. I'm good. I also had a strange friends with benefits thing with a dude I graduated with who was INSANELY hot but weird cos his mom had died of cancer. Jury is still out on whether he "assisted" her in her last days or not. He would smoke pot before we had sex and I always felt like he thought he was SUPER great at whatever he was doing when really-it was alright. Not sure if I just sucked at that time or he did. He showed up at my job once and I purposely avoided him because I liked him and was scared to say anything. I hid behind a tray of scones in the dish room at the bagel/coffee shop I worked at. He eventually stopped trying and I wasn't sure if I felt relief or not. Then I fell for someone else.
I fell HEAD OVER HEELS for this dude. I remember being so CRUSHED by his rejection a few weeks after we met that I was sitting in the shower sobbing for who knows how long. Dude wrecked me. He told me the world in the most beautiful way. We took trips together. We did so much in a short period of time. Then he just pulled the rug out from under me. I think he was a huge cokehead. Thanks for introducing me to that winner, best friend.
After that, I think I was back with my ex for a period of time. We tried again for a few months. I don't really remember what happened right now. It's late and I'm tired. I probably fucked it up by being passive aggressive and he probably didn't fucking bother trying to get his license even though I was working 60 plus hours a week. Oh yeah, I broke my foot and I called my narcissist ex to come get me. He stayed with me in the emergency room. He had some redeeming qualities, I guess.
I moved onto another 'super nice guy.' Who was even more quiet. He never really opened up to me. He would, at times. I always felt confused by him. I found him so insanely boring. He drunkenly told me he loved me once. I didn't respond because he said it while swaying. It hurt me. He couldn't say it sober? I loved his knack for orchestra/classical music. I enjoyed his love for cooking shows. I can, to this day, tell you that I honestly, truly, miss sitting on his porch in a t-shirt and underwear, eating his perfect scrambled eggs. Just enjoying the sun. But. He was bitter. He had shit to work on. He wasn't always kind. I ended up cheating on him. Why? A scapegoat. An out. I cheated on him with my ego/psycho ex. I had no idea he was a narcissist. I didn't know the term at the time. I cheated on him with my nice ex also. The one who cross-dressed and spent his paychecks on DEVO action figures, also constantly borrowing money from his mother, a widow, and asking me for favors. I loved him so dearly but, he needed to grow up and wasn't ready. He told me he wanted to marry me and have my kids. He said he never wanted kids or marriage until he met me. I hit on his best friend at a bar and then drunkenly walked to my ex narcissists house and spread my legs between the slopes of his bedroom windows. A few days later I met my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I called him and told him I didn't want to be with him. Ever. I cried the whole way home. Then I met my friend for dinner and beer. He was a nice guy. I wished that I liked him the way he liked me. I pity fucked him once after he found out his dad had cancer for the second time. He was scared and lonely- and thats what he wanted from me at the time. A hug and to sleep with me, figuratively and literally. I indulged him, that's what friends are for. I guess. I dated a cute, tiny dude for a little bit there, too. He was super cute and I liked his style. I liked that he was a rocker but dressed like he was from the 1950s. He owned a business and made me a mixed cd after I shyly gave him one. He was desperately trying to keep up with my weird ways. He said I looked like a pin-up girl and jerked off on my stomach. I felt some kind of way about a dude who wouldn't even let me try to do that for him and instead had to "take over." But, it didn't matter because my narcissist ex was back in my life- skateboarding all the fuck over it. I was lost under his spell.
Until, I was a at a party and met this dude who I had interacted with online before. He was so fucking weird and charming and I dunno. His glasses. I had his music on my iPod. We started talking and ended up fucking on the porch of his friend's house. I think we made out in the parking lot at my work in my VW Beetle until 4am and I was hooked after that. I remember turning him down to stay at his damn house several times. I was so independent. I dunno when I lost myself. But, fuck, I did. Ten years later here I am. Red Light is pretty much the pick up from here, I guess.
The first guy I kissed was a jerk though. He invited me over for tacos, my favorite meal, one night and his dad caressed my hand during prayer. It really was creepy. Almost a year later, of being in and out of his house, his dad stopped me in the kitchen and told me that I couldn't get by him until I kissed him on the cheek. Scared SHITLESS, and wanting OUT, I pecked his approaching cheek as quick as possible and RAN the FUCK away from him. I told my boyfriend about it and he then forever teased me about it and said, "you're not going anywhere without a kiss!" which I found endearing but also highly insensitive, that dude is clearly a pedophile.
When I found out that my best friend made out with my boyfriend, I walked across the street to where a few of my friend's were hanging out and ended up cuddling on the couch with a guy I had a crush on. It was sort of weird because we didn't do anything but, I knew it was a wrong thing to do. I had mentally cheated on him. It was not the greatest day but, I still regret doing it.
I had an ex who was really funny. He would pull me out of any situation by making a joke. He'd say, "Bets..." and I would be grounded and return to reality. He made me feel like a child but, I didn't mind. He would "dad" me sometimes, pulling me in from spiraling. But. His ego was the size of Texas. He was a narcissistic piece of shit. The bad qualities in him made me triggered by the good qualities in him. I had so many trust issues after that relationship. We had sex so many random places that it was almost a game. How many times can he make me cum with the door open and his mom could walk in any minute to change the laundry? What about the sweet, young girl who messaged me on IM asking if I thought he really, truly liked her or if he was playing games-well honey, we just had sex and afterwards he told me he thought I was the one; I'm not sure he is that into you. I dropped off the box of comics we drew to each other with other mementos in a snowstorm while listening to Velvet Underground. Snow is cleansing.
His little brother BEGGED me to let him lose his virginity to me, too. I felt weird about it but I felt like my narcissist ex was pushing us together. It doesn't really matter though because he started dating my friend behind my back and then his little brother ended up dating her too. I think they just had a thing for the same girls. It was a weird thing. Those dudes were fucked up.
I fell for a guy in my class- he was a wordsmith. Half the time he spoke in so many riddles I didn't know what he meant. The metaphors got too deep and he would treat me like a ditz. I just didn't understand why he couldn't just be clear about what he was saying. He used a lot of inside jokes that didn't resonate with my lifestyle. He would roll blunts in front of me- act like I was so innocent to it (I was) and then ask me if it was okay to continue when his friend's weren't listening. No, I don't care if you get high. No, I don't want any. He lost his virginity on his friend's bed with me and I still to this day, don't understand why he couldn't just be straightforward with me. Ah well. He's married now. I enjoyed the silly times we had where we made out in the dark room in the only room without a camera when the other guy in our class asked if we were done rolling our unexposed films onto metal reels. Like, no, dude, he's got his hand up my shirt- we are still CLEARLY rolling film. I dunno. I can't "quite" get it on straight.
My best friend tried to hook me up with her friend. He was really into ceramics. I watched him work on a paper mâché project for school while he talked about his crazy ex-girlfriend (who he later married and had kids with) and how she was the worst. I could relate. I found it weird that he was more interested in me touching his nipples than touching mine. It didn't matter though. We were both back with our crazy exes soon enough.
I treated the next guy like shit. He was kind, although a bit of a mooch. I loved him so very dearly. But... I was damaged. And I didn't deal with that shit. He collected obscure figurines, he drew everyday. He drew cartoons of dicks, mostly himself with his dick out. I thought he was really hilarious. He drew a lot of cartoons about poop also. They were always so happy and funny. I enjoyed his art and music. He was silly and fun. We ate a lot of tacos together. I would fall asleep next to him, on my stomach, with my left leg on the back of his legs. He got annoyed eventually but, never told me to stop. I would put my arm on his back and my head on his shoulder, empty for his head turned the other way. I would go to his mom's house, which wreaked of cigarettes, his dog Dutchess, who bit practically EVERYONE, would run up to me for pets and shake after. I would crawl into his leopard print futon when he would seemingly be asleep and then whisper, "you smell like sandwiches. I like it." I was passive-aggressive because I suck and also he didn't have a car. Or a license. Or a house. I had an apartment and he never wanted to stay there. It hurt me and I didn't know why I went so far out of my way to be kind to him when he barley reciprocated. If he did, I was too resentful to notice. He sometimes would cross dress, or wear my clothes, whichever way you want to look at it. I didn't mind. I thought sometimes I would get a little insecure, bigger playing field for him to cheat on me- but, as far as I know, we didn't have an issue with that. I can't help but think back when he broke up with me. He told me he wanted to stay over at his friend's house. I had just found out I had stage 2 cancer. I was having surgery the next day and I asked him to hold me all night. He didn't want to stay with me. He wanted to be with his friend. He wanted to have a sleepover with this dude rather than comfort me when I really fucking needed it. I would hold him every goddamn night and he couldn't return the favor when I had cancer. I fucked that friend, after we broke up. I even drove to my ex's house with him- he ran into my ex's house and grabbed my Doors record and my record player. Life is so strange sometimes.
I was single for a little while after that. I decided to work on myself. Try to organize my shit. I started school. I was in and out of jobs- trying to find myself. I was living with my narcissist ex at the time- separate bedrooms. Despite what anyone thinks- we never had sex there. I didn't want to. I thought he was toxic and I liked his girlfriend at the time, though she turned out to be a lesbian, she was still really nice and I didn't want to hurt her. My best friend moved in with me after that. That was slightly better, I supposed. My one cat hated her boyfriend. He was kind of a douche. We got really close and he also got really close with a lot of girls she was friend's with. She would invite people over to drink and I was always sober and it was sometimes a thing. I would feel awkward about it- because PEOPLE in my SPACE, DUDE. One of her ex's friends pooped in a q-tip container, which I then turned into a pot for a plant. It was kind of funny but kind of NOT since I was super uptight about it. Her friend Sean, AKA Baldie, hung around a lot. He was an interesting fellow. He graduated from Lancaster Bible College but since had gone atheist- we had a lot of in depth conversations. My cross dressing ex's friend (who was underage at the time) tried to get me to come over and let him lose his virginity to me- um. No thanks, dude. I'm good. I also had a strange friends with benefits thing with a dude I graduated with who was INSANELY hot but weird cos his mom had died of cancer. Jury is still out on whether he "assisted" her in her last days or not. He would smoke pot before we had sex and I always felt like he thought he was SUPER great at whatever he was doing when really-it was alright. Not sure if I just sucked at that time or he did. He showed up at my job once and I purposely avoided him because I liked him and was scared to say anything. I hid behind a tray of scones in the dish room at the bagel/coffee shop I worked at. He eventually stopped trying and I wasn't sure if I felt relief or not. Then I fell for someone else.
I fell HEAD OVER HEELS for this dude. I remember being so CRUSHED by his rejection a few weeks after we met that I was sitting in the shower sobbing for who knows how long. Dude wrecked me. He told me the world in the most beautiful way. We took trips together. We did so much in a short period of time. Then he just pulled the rug out from under me. I think he was a huge cokehead. Thanks for introducing me to that winner, best friend.
After that, I think I was back with my ex for a period of time. We tried again for a few months. I don't really remember what happened right now. It's late and I'm tired. I probably fucked it up by being passive aggressive and he probably didn't fucking bother trying to get his license even though I was working 60 plus hours a week. Oh yeah, I broke my foot and I called my narcissist ex to come get me. He stayed with me in the emergency room. He had some redeeming qualities, I guess.
I moved onto another 'super nice guy.' Who was even more quiet. He never really opened up to me. He would, at times. I always felt confused by him. I found him so insanely boring. He drunkenly told me he loved me once. I didn't respond because he said it while swaying. It hurt me. He couldn't say it sober? I loved his knack for orchestra/classical music. I enjoyed his love for cooking shows. I can, to this day, tell you that I honestly, truly, miss sitting on his porch in a t-shirt and underwear, eating his perfect scrambled eggs. Just enjoying the sun. But. He was bitter. He had shit to work on. He wasn't always kind. I ended up cheating on him. Why? A scapegoat. An out. I cheated on him with my ego/psycho ex. I had no idea he was a narcissist. I didn't know the term at the time. I cheated on him with my nice ex also. The one who cross-dressed and spent his paychecks on DEVO action figures, also constantly borrowing money from his mother, a widow, and asking me for favors. I loved him so dearly but, he needed to grow up and wasn't ready. He told me he wanted to marry me and have my kids. He said he never wanted kids or marriage until he met me. I hit on his best friend at a bar and then drunkenly walked to my ex narcissists house and spread my legs between the slopes of his bedroom windows. A few days later I met my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I called him and told him I didn't want to be with him. Ever. I cried the whole way home. Then I met my friend for dinner and beer. He was a nice guy. I wished that I liked him the way he liked me. I pity fucked him once after he found out his dad had cancer for the second time. He was scared and lonely- and thats what he wanted from me at the time. A hug and to sleep with me, figuratively and literally. I indulged him, that's what friends are for. I guess. I dated a cute, tiny dude for a little bit there, too. He was super cute and I liked his style. I liked that he was a rocker but dressed like he was from the 1950s. He owned a business and made me a mixed cd after I shyly gave him one. He was desperately trying to keep up with my weird ways. He said I looked like a pin-up girl and jerked off on my stomach. I felt some kind of way about a dude who wouldn't even let me try to do that for him and instead had to "take over." But, it didn't matter because my narcissist ex was back in my life- skateboarding all the fuck over it. I was lost under his spell.
Until, I was a at a party and met this dude who I had interacted with online before. He was so fucking weird and charming and I dunno. His glasses. I had his music on my iPod. We started talking and ended up fucking on the porch of his friend's house. I think we made out in the parking lot at my work in my VW Beetle until 4am and I was hooked after that. I remember turning him down to stay at his damn house several times. I was so independent. I dunno when I lost myself. But, fuck, I did. Ten years later here I am. Red Light is pretty much the pick up from here, I guess.
Comments
Post a Comment