You said to me last summer, that you believe people meet for a reason. You didn't elaborate further but, I took your meaning that you were glad we met. You didn't know you were helping me by just being yourself. I hope I helped you, too. Sometimes, people meet and it just works out. We met and became connected immediately. We tried pushing each other away sometimes and it doesn't matter in the end- we had to meet again and again and again. Each time, we didn't push so hard. Or, maybe we pushed harder but we never let go. There was an unspoken bond that formed and I'm not quite sure I fully understand it sometimes but, it's not going away.
We needed each other then and I know we still do. I don't think we will ever stop needing each other. How we may need each other is different day to day, hour to hour, even. It may change over the years, I don't know. I cannot predict where I'll be in ten years or twenty- but, I can guarantee that we will be friends. You will still tease me and I'll still let you.
This thing that we are a part of means we also have a lot of personal work to do. We can't do that while in the same room together. I wish we could. I know we can't. I know that you need space. I want you to have it. I need space and you force me to take it! Part of this thing being so scary is that we do get each other without having to ask for things. (But, don't forget to ask for things anyways- I need to hear it!) We both need to move super slow. My personality is like a bunny, hopping from one thing to the next, stopping from time to time and sporadic. You are like a sloth, you just hang around, content to just be where you are, forever taking your time to get someplace. We balance each other out in that way. You teach me to slow down, even if I fucking don't want to and I push you to move to places you wouldn't normally go even if you didn't expect it. Sometimes, that's uncomfortable. It's intimate and it's pleasing and it's raw and it hurts, too. We push each other, in a good way, to move forward.
I can't imagine my life without you now that you are in it. You are the first person I want to talk to when I wake up. When anything happens, good or bad, I want to tell you first. You are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep. We talk for hours like it's been five minutes. You are my best friend and that will never go away. One of us has a bad day and we start crumbling and spiraling and if we can have the courage to say so- we ground each other and help. I can hear it in your voice when you are upset and whatever words I have offered have made you feel better. I know you feel it, too. I surprise you sometimes when I say something you don't expect in my response and I like the face you make when that happens.
Last week I felt like I opened up a part of me I had closed off and I think you did, too. It was scary but, it happened. I felt you and you felt me. That's a thing we do that is good and a reason why I know we won't stop being in each other's lives. You said I was smiling at you weird when I was thinking you were smiling at me weird. I think we both got it. I maybe made some metaphor about plants and you said something about teasing. I caught your meaning. You caught mine. We are on the same page. I don't want you to keep putting your feelings in a box because I don't want mine in a box either. But, I know it has to be that way sometimes. I know you do, too. Taking time to work on ourselves is exponentially more important than whether or not we say we are more than whatever this is between us. You said you need a friend more than a girlfriend and I intent to keep on being your friend forever, so, sorry, you are stuck with me.
Whether we like it or not- we have a relationship. What that means for the future, I don't fucking know. I just know that we will always have a relationship. You will always be my best friend and that is the relationship I want. I don't care if it takes us ten years to get to where we feel comfortable saying we romantically love each other or live together or get married or not- I don't care. It's not fucking important. It's important to me that we will always be best friends, though.
We talked awhile ago about how you don't want to half ass anything and you'd rather get to where you can whole ass it. You brought it up again today. I think what you really mean is that you feel like you can't whole ass anything right now. I also think you should consider that just because your "best" right now isn't what you have been really good at or what you potentially have inside of you to be your best self in the future but, at any stage, if you are doing your best, that is all I expect from you. If doing your best is that you lay on the couch and ignore the world, including me, then okay. Do that best self, if that's all you have today. I'm not perfect, I don't expect you to be either.
I told you that I didn't want a serious relationship and that if ANYONE asked me out, I would say, "no." That wasn't ENTIRELY true. I think at that time, I needed to hear myself say it to believe it. I had opportunities to pursue other men, and some of them I did talk to, for a time. None of them went anywhere because I didn't want them to. I sort of tried to distract myself from how I was feeling about you but, that's not fair to myself or you or them so in the end, I stopped trying to pursue anything. I just need that to be clear. I do have inquiries from time to time but, I almost always immediately disclose that you are my best friend and I like you a little more than that. Usually, their advice is to get out of this thing. I tend to like to trust my own intuition on that subject.
Stop over thinking. I'm speaking to us both, here. Stop over thinking. This doesn't need to be over thought. You told me you really care about me. I really care about you. I really care about a lot of people but, you are a little different. I try to still treat you equally but, clearly, we have a deeper connection than anyone else in my life. The feelings won't go away just because we stop having sex. We have tried it, several times, and in the end, neither of us want to stop, if we are truly honest with ourselves, and I don't see the issue. Unless, one of us over thinks. So, you just keep reminding yourself that we are super best friends and that I am not going anywhere- even if you need space, and I will remind myself that you really care about me and just because you don't may not say so, you are thinking about me, too.
Let's stop allowing the need for processing, here. I'll take the advice of a new friend- "focus on over thinking the stuff that matters, instead." Over thinking gets us both stuck in a loop that we cannot get out of at this time. It's time consuming, distracting, and it makes us both sad. The thing between us hasn't changed and although it evolves, it's a good thing. Fighting it just makes us both upset and it doesn't change ANYTHING. We both still come to the same conclusions.
*Sending out some good vibes and hugs* Eventually, we will get to where we need to go.
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