Yesterday my heart was aching. I watched a tv show and the scene had a new mother throw herself onto a fire to be with her true love. I cried. I burst into tears. The build-up of that episode just wrecked me. He wanted to be true to his values and that meant he couldn't be with her. If he couldn't be with her, then he would rather die. She would rather be dead then live without him. The part that tipped me over was realizing that she just had laid down the part of him that would live on. The baby that had his eyes, she laid him down and walked into the fire. She knew that even that baby having his face or mannerisms wasn't enough. That kind of love was just so unbearable they would rather die then be without it. I cried after the episode was over. Just straight fucking sobbed. I never felt that about someone before. I'm not sure I ever will again. I'm not sure I even want that. But, I do know what that feels like. It made me feel like there is sort of something I'm missing. Or, someone.
I drew something when I was in Printmaking class in college... I dunno, maybe 2005? It was a body that had no discernible features. Behind it, a dotted outline of a bigger body. I wrote "I sure do, miss you." I thought it was odd, even for me, because I think at the time I was dating someone shorter. It also just felt like a tugging at my heart. I felt like my heart was empty and it was pulling me somewhere. I suppose I felt like it was maybe just something I pulled out of myself about my boyfriend at the time but, was it? I'll never know I suppose.
I don't like or accept the idea that I won't find whom I'm looking for. Maybe I already have and I pushed them away, or maybe they fucked up, or I did. Or maybe they don't know what they want. One thing is for sure, I do intend on finding him.
I drew something when I was in Printmaking class in college... I dunno, maybe 2005? It was a body that had no discernible features. Behind it, a dotted outline of a bigger body. I wrote "I sure do, miss you." I thought it was odd, even for me, because I think at the time I was dating someone shorter. It also just felt like a tugging at my heart. I felt like my heart was empty and it was pulling me somewhere. I suppose I felt like it was maybe just something I pulled out of myself about my boyfriend at the time but, was it? I'll never know I suppose.
I don't like or accept the idea that I won't find whom I'm looking for. Maybe I already have and I pushed them away, or maybe they fucked up, or I did. Or maybe they don't know what they want. One thing is for sure, I do intend on finding him.
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