I want you and that scares me. I want you sometimes and it's not a strong feeling, just sort of there whenever I decide to think about it. I want you sometimes so intensely that I wish I could just go home and be alone. Just hide and wait for the feeling to go away. I want you so much that it makes me giddy and happy. I want you and it's in my brain and I need it out. I realized that some days I just reach out to you because I want you and I shouldn't. I should just let the feeling subside. I can't have what I want right now. I need to focus on my needs.
I need you and that scares me. I didn't know how much I needed you until you were here, helping me. I don't want that to be what our friendship is about. I need to need myself. I want to need myself. I need to live for myself and my goals. I need to be alone and accept the time I need to take for myself. I don't think I've ever tried to do that more than a few months. I think I got to the point where I realized a lot about myself and what I needed and it all got thrown away when I was just drawn like a fly to a lamp to an unhealthy relationship. I struggle sometimes, finding out things that I need to get over. Things I need to work on. Relationships I have been a part of ruining. I need to go through every single one of them and over analyze it all. I need to go through ALL of it. I need to prove to myself I can grow from this. I am growing from this. You helped me see what I needed to do without intervening or offering to help. You just say a few things and my brain grows like leaves on an old tree, shooting off to new places. It's like you pointed out the door that was there all along.
I don't need you. I don't need you to do anything for me. But, I'm grateful you have. You helped me more than anyone else ever has and that scares the shit out of me. It scares me because I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to take down the wall I built after my break-up. I feel safe behind the wall, where no one can reach me. I don't know how you end up with me behind the wall sometimes but I quickly slam the door on you. Or, I at least push you out. You can't be back here! I don't want you to see what I have to go through. I want you to see it because then it validates that it's happening but I don't need you back here. I need you to stay on the other side of the wall for now. I need you to just be okay with that space. I try so much to sneak you over the wall and when I want you to be there- you refuse to come back here. Its a weird feeling. If I want you, you aren't there. If I need you, you aren't there. But, you didn't move. Not that you aren't there. Just that you know that you need to stay put. You can't be back here behind my wall. Its too risky. I can't grow and I can't take down my wall if you are with me. I'm just glad I have you as a friend. Someday that wall won't be there and I can't say how I'll feel. But, theres an actual wall up that no one is allowed past- even if you sneak in sometimes. Even if you ask me. We both know you can't be here.
I struggled for a long time with trying to replace my feelings with other things, people, whatever can fill the void. None of it works. Dealing with it works. Just allowing myself the time to just be sad and remember that even though I'm a human being, I make a lot of mistakes and I need to own up to them and apologize. I can't let my shortcomings or my anger get in the way of how other people feel. I need to recognize that I do things not because I need something but because I want to do them. I have an inherent need to do acts of kindness and to give gifts. I need this to be volunteer based. I do not expect anything in return. Or, that's a lie. I do expect to see the recipient being happy or feeling loved. I do enjoy seeing someone enjoy what I do. I just shouldn't even expect that, I suppose.
I find peace in a lot of things I have been doing lately that I put off for a long time. I recognize the person I am and the person I hope to grow to be and I'm not that far off. I just need time.
I need you and that scares me. I didn't know how much I needed you until you were here, helping me. I don't want that to be what our friendship is about. I need to need myself. I want to need myself. I need to live for myself and my goals. I need to be alone and accept the time I need to take for myself. I don't think I've ever tried to do that more than a few months. I think I got to the point where I realized a lot about myself and what I needed and it all got thrown away when I was just drawn like a fly to a lamp to an unhealthy relationship. I struggle sometimes, finding out things that I need to get over. Things I need to work on. Relationships I have been a part of ruining. I need to go through every single one of them and over analyze it all. I need to go through ALL of it. I need to prove to myself I can grow from this. I am growing from this. You helped me see what I needed to do without intervening or offering to help. You just say a few things and my brain grows like leaves on an old tree, shooting off to new places. It's like you pointed out the door that was there all along.
I don't need you. I don't need you to do anything for me. But, I'm grateful you have. You helped me more than anyone else ever has and that scares the shit out of me. It scares me because I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to take down the wall I built after my break-up. I feel safe behind the wall, where no one can reach me. I don't know how you end up with me behind the wall sometimes but I quickly slam the door on you. Or, I at least push you out. You can't be back here! I don't want you to see what I have to go through. I want you to see it because then it validates that it's happening but I don't need you back here. I need you to stay on the other side of the wall for now. I need you to just be okay with that space. I try so much to sneak you over the wall and when I want you to be there- you refuse to come back here. Its a weird feeling. If I want you, you aren't there. If I need you, you aren't there. But, you didn't move. Not that you aren't there. Just that you know that you need to stay put. You can't be back here behind my wall. Its too risky. I can't grow and I can't take down my wall if you are with me. I'm just glad I have you as a friend. Someday that wall won't be there and I can't say how I'll feel. But, theres an actual wall up that no one is allowed past- even if you sneak in sometimes. Even if you ask me. We both know you can't be here.
I struggled for a long time with trying to replace my feelings with other things, people, whatever can fill the void. None of it works. Dealing with it works. Just allowing myself the time to just be sad and remember that even though I'm a human being, I make a lot of mistakes and I need to own up to them and apologize. I can't let my shortcomings or my anger get in the way of how other people feel. I need to recognize that I do things not because I need something but because I want to do them. I have an inherent need to do acts of kindness and to give gifts. I need this to be volunteer based. I do not expect anything in return. Or, that's a lie. I do expect to see the recipient being happy or feeling loved. I do enjoy seeing someone enjoy what I do. I just shouldn't even expect that, I suppose.
I find peace in a lot of things I have been doing lately that I put off for a long time. I recognize the person I am and the person I hope to grow to be and I'm not that far off. I just need time.
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