In All Honesty

You scared me.







I shut down and I walled up.






You didn't look so scary when you weren't looking at me. When you didn't notice me.




I may never get the details of your history. I know enough. I know you in a way that you didn't expect me to. I see your wall. Just like mine, I am back there and I surprise you sometimes. I smile and wait, expectantly. If you choose to share, I let you. If you don't, I say nothing on the matter. I chime in when you change the subject. I laugh even. I look back after and remind you, I didn't forget about it just because you wanted to focus on something else. It's a quality I admire in you and despise in myself.




You were just there, like you always were.  I accepted you automatically.





You just kept showing up.



I didn't know why at the time. Now, I do.



There was a long period of time where the anticipation of possibly seeing you was enough to live off of. I didn't know when you would show up.

Sometimes, you didn't.

There's still a grey area of time where I was preoccupying myself with the idea of you. It wasn't actually you, but a version of you that I had made up in my mind. You squashed it after a time. It didn't take too long. There was a long awkward pause.


I kept waking up and choosing you over and over and over again.

On the days that I didn't choose you, that I forced you out of my brain, that I focused on another life with someone else or alone, even, those days felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. The feeling was overwhelming and I would wall up. I still do it, on occasion.

Advice was sometimes given, whether I asked for it or not. I can say that most of the time, the advice was to let the ship sail. Move on. Don't even bother. I deserved better. I need more than you can give. I needed to let go.

No matter what you said. No matter what you did. I still kept choosing you.

Not to say that you were harsh, necessarily, but there were times I wondered if you were pushing me away for the same reason I wouldn't choose you some days.

It's just easier to not have the heartache.

I've been hurt enough. You have been hurt enough. It all still hurts. Why would I try to make that happen again?

For me, the truth is, no one can hurt me more than I've already been hurt. It doesn't mean I'm in a hurry to be vulnerable again, either.

You are clever enough to always ebb when I flow. I am clever enough to ebb when you flow.

It's an interesting feeling to know that this whole time, a foundation has been laid and it doesn't matter what comes in the middle of this because it's just there. It was always there. I just don't know if I paid enough attention at the time. Or maybe, I didn't understand. Or maybe I just think too much about seemingly trivial things. I am not sure. I don't know if it matters anymore.

If you knew some of the things that pass through my mind at any given point in the day, I'm not sure you would still look at me the same way. Or maybe you already know because you think that way, too. I feel like I'm self-assured about the fact that sometimes, you don't pick someone. They don't pick you, either. We just get thrown together and it's just the way it is, no matter the reason.

Somehow, despite everything, I still choose you. I get up and I am solid. I'm grounded. I think clearly.  I have you and you have me. Just as they say, true friends are there to pick up right where you left off. No matter how much time has passed. No matter the distance. You just know they are there for you and you are there for them. It's just how it is.

I question sometimes whether or not you choose me. I think sometimes you seem like you don't but maybe in a way, that is you choosing me. Because, you want to spare me the heartache. Just like you spare yourself.

Or, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you never chose me at all. Maybe I just keep choosing you enough so you just let it keep being that way. We already started whatever this is, so might as well accept all the fun stuff that goes with it. For being so sure, I still don't know.



The thought has occurred to me before. The one where I don't see this as ever being nothing. Just like my best friend. And yours. No matter the time and distance, this will be here. We will pick it right back up. That's a deep down love.


But, neither of us are quite ready for it. Or maybe we won't ever be.





That's where you scare me.







That this doesn't ever have an end. I have no control over it. It just will always be something.






I am so scared shitless to love that I wall up and make it something that can never be. But, we don't work like that and you show up behind my wall. I show up behind yours.


I'm scared because it's real.

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