I gave up. Sometimes, people give up on you and sometimes you give up on other people. I just gave up. It wasn't something that just happened. It was a series of events that happened over years. There were big things and not so big things. There was little things that I probably should have let go, but when I thought of all the big things and then the little things, too, well, it just seemed like the plan was to hold on to them instead. You told me I gave up on you and I disagreed. I gave everything up FOR you. I didn't give up ON you. I suppose it doesn't really matter the semantics because either way, I did give up on you. I knew what that felt like and I was so sorry I had to do it. I wasn't able to fully process it at the time because there were more big things that you were hassling me about. It was easy to just wall up and move on because I had other things to think about and you were clearly unhealthy for me. Everyone was wrong about you for a long time. Everyone was wrong about him for a long time. I still think people are wrong about you and about him. But, I suppose people are wrong about me, too. The good things and the bad.
I'm reminded of the feeling, lately. The feeling of someone giving up on you. I'm reminded of what it feels like to give up on someone, too. I find myself compartmentalizing things so that I can deal with them as I feel comfortable, not when they come. People find this an odd approach from the outside. They can't tell that I have shelved that situation for later. Not because I can't handle it ever, just not right now. Mostly, I do it because I know that "right now" will probably never come or when it does, I'll figure it out. I always do. Last year, I looked at all my compartments and I found that I was trying to shove multiple things into one cubby far too often. I noticed repeated patterns of how I deal with things. I began to take things off the shelf, dust them, inspect them and carry them around until I could let it go. I insisted on keeping the shelf empty.
I realized that sometimes, things don't need an ultimatum. They will just work out to be nothing, if you just give it space and time. People will be in your life if they want to be and you will go out of your way for people you want in your life. It's just the way things are sometimes. Give when you can, take when you need. Never make it a one-way street. And giving up is okay sometimes.
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