Walking Contradictions

I know how I am. 

I have been called naive and innocent more times than I can count. I have been EASILY manipulated thousands of times by a number of people. I used to fight back with my words.

If I could go back in time to when I was three years old and soothe myself- I would tell tiny me that I shouldn't try. Just let dad be alone. He will keep wallowing in his miseries for years. It's not your fault, you both know it. It's also not your PROBLEM. His feelings are not yours. You are not responsible for making him feel better. He needs to seek help or HIMSELF. He needs to speak to a therapist and work on himself and at the same time, put on his big boy pants and raise you. It's not your burden to carry.

If I could go back and tell four year old me anything- this is temporary. Just avoid mom's new boyfriend. Don't try to love him. Don't try to never make a mistake. It won't matter. He will find a reason to use his belt on you and your siblings. Its not a bad choice to seek comfort in the church down the street. They will help you for a time. The story of Job is about your dad. I know you already know this. Just don't let him bring you down or create a path for you. 

Nine year old me. Be grateful for your mom and tell her to get therapy. As if the last ten years wasn't enough, she has found herself another winner. He seems really nice on paper. Don't trust him. I know you want to. Just. Don't. Tell her to get help.

Ten year old me. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It will take years to get the courage to speak up and you will get it. It will be okay. I know it doesn't seem like it. Just keep your head up. School is hard to focus on but you are really smart. Keep up with your math and science skills and use art as a way to escape. Don't stop painting. I know its hard. I know what it means. Just please keep painting flowers. 

Fifteen year old me. You just met a narcissist. He is going to ruin your life. Every friendship you have and every thing you ever do from now on will be centered around the next few years of hell that he will put you through. Do not believe a word he says. He is awful. Do yourself a favor, stay away. He is pure evil. I know who you are though. If you can't stay away, then make sure you tell your friends how you feel. They will listen to you. Seek therapy. You have been through enough already. Don't let him in!

Seventeen year old me, you have been through a lot by now. Don't provoke your moms new husband. I know it feels good to have something to say for years and finally get it out. I know he's an asshole. Just let it go. He isn't worth the fight. He is not going anywhere and it will make things more awkward. Just stay away from him. He wants to feel like he has control over you and you hate that but just let it go. Also, retake your SATs. Ask mom to pay for one of those tutors. She will be glad to throw money at the situation.

Eighteen year old me, you have a really good man, now. He has some maturing to do and so do you. You have been wise for far too many years. Taking a year off from school wasn't a bad idea but you should really reconsider. Just because Tyler wanted you to have a better transcript doesn't mean you didn't get it. Just get your SATs up and you are in! Tyler University accepted YOUR art. They LOVED your portfolio. You sent in ONE drawing and they accepted it. You can do this! I would argue that you should have been studying science and math more- you really are quite smart and although art is fun, your heart will always be in a lab. You will figure it out after you think about all the hobbies you love and why you love it. I'll wait. Yeah. There you go. See. You love certain things and they all fall into the category of laboratory work. You're welcome.

Nineteen year old me. Stop playing games. Seriously. I know that you crave a deep understanding and you are so close, but you need to stop being passive aggressive. It gets nothing done. 

Twenty-two year old me. I know. I know what you felt. I know it seemed like fate. I know that you feel like you should go for it. It's going to end in heartbreak. A lot of it. The first time he picks a fight with you and you don't understand why- that is your first indication. That is your red flag. You are a kind person. You stopped playing games. You were just dating casually to find what you are missing. Guess what? You are missing YOU. Pieces of you have been scattered all around and you have been collecting them at a large cost and this is how you will lose ALL of your pieces. ALL OF THEM. 

Twenty-five year old me. You ran. You made an escape plan that had to involve another person and you tried it and it failed and you ran anyways. You should hold onto that feeling. Who cares if he gave you roses. RUN. I'm not fucking kidding. RUN. 

Thirty-three year old me. Stop being so naive. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be. It would mean turning his life upside down for you and you know what? You are worth that. You would do it for him, wouldn't you? I know you have kids, but if he asked you to move two hours away from your home- you would start fixing up your house to sell and make plans for your children to start over somewhere else. You would know how hard it is and still choose love over it all. Stuff is just stuff. Your kids are mad at you anyways. You got over moving a lot when you were a kid- when your mom got a new relationship, we moved. So, it's not like you hate your mom for that now, right? They would get over it. And you know this. And he hasn't asked it of you. You have told him that you wished he would just move closer. We both know you mean move in with you. He isn't asking you to stay. He hasn't given any indication whatsoever that he even wants you to stay. He hasn't said anything. He doesn't want to fight for him. So why are you still here fighting?