My heart is out there and in here. It rests in two places all the time. When I close my eyes, I'm taken away. I am somewhere else. Someone else. I used to dream, vividly, often. When I met you, I stopped dreaming. I get bits and pieces here and there. Some days, some weeks. Now, they are more stark than before. You are in almost all of them. I wonder sometimes if I stopped dreaming because you don't dream. It sounds silly on paper. I can't explain it. What are the odds that I dream about a light colored fur dog, following at your heels. Then you tell me you know you dreamt about a dog. You couldn't remember anything else. Just that there was a dog. I never said anything to you. I just smiled. How is that possible? I told you today. I dreamt I was in a room. There were rows of seating. Soft, plush chairs and couches. Dark leather, green, brown, and maybe a grey couch. I sat in the back. I checked my phone. I was waiting for you to call me. There was a game on the tv. People ahead of me were loud. They bounced up and down in their chairs, aghast at the game they watched. I understood it was football. I understood it was a team you follow. It was yellow, black, and white. The player jumped across the screen, zoomed in with a football caught in giant forearms, falling sideways. I closed my eyes. I woke up in a bedroom. I was at my parents house. I must have fallen asleep and I checked my phone. You didn't call. You said you would but you didn't. I was waiting to come over. I wanted to see you, badly. I went to your house and I could see you, laying in your bed. Light blue and tan sheets on your mattress. The corner apartment, I could see you sleeping from the street, your curtains were open. You weren't answering because you weren't awake yet. I understood then. I understood when I woke up. You aren't awake yet. The next part of my dream took me to a plant shop. There were lots of cute things for sale. Handmade and local. Lots of little brown paper tags, handwritten prices, sweet little baskets, full. There were a number of air plants, succulents, and I realized it then as well. I need to take care of something else until you wake up.
What pains me is the thought of my heart being with you and sharing my bed with someone else. It broke my heart to think of it when you moved. It still breaks my heart. Someone was here. He almost smelled like you. He touched me like you do. It wasn't the same. I only felt it was the right choice because I knew I wouldn't see him again. I felt safe and he was calm. We connected and I felt like it made sense. He wrapped his arms around me and I fell asleep. My heart is torn. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't answer the phone. I couldn't bear the thought that I might have hurt you. You won't ask me to be your girlfriend and I cried for hours wondering if I cheated. It's like you already knew. I wish I hadn't drank so much. It wasn't just anyone I took home. It was someone I knew wouldn't compete with you but reminded me enough of you and also, someone I could know wouldn't be hurt either. I cried because I wasn't loyal to you. All I have done is told you every way I could that I only want you. Then, I did the opposite. It helped me feel less lonely for a few days. It's back and worse, now. I want to be loved and swept off my feet. I hate feeling alone. Lonely. I felt like when I could see you more than once a week that I was able to handle it. Now, I try and you push me away further. You only let me come see you once a month and I'm just dying of loneliness. I want what I cannot have and maybe never will be able to. I can't understand the connection I have with you or the coincidences that happen. At first, I felt like I was looking for things but I dreamt about what you were doing last night. I almost wish I was desperate enough to just get a boyfriend. Anyone will do at this point. Someone come over here and cuddle me to sleep. I'm a signature away from being divorced and I'll be wearing someone else's sweatshirt, two sizes too big and it's of a company that fired me. I'm a walking billboard for the most pathetic person. I spent my life being desperate for love and I finally find peace within myself and I am hit with the worst loneliness that I ever felt before. I write it off like I don't have time for anyone else, or that I like my space. Or I don't want a step dad for my kids. I am just sitting here waiting for the love of my life to reach out and take me. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.
I go back and forth wondering why I can't stop wanting you. Some days, I'm fine. It just is what it is. Love will happen when it wants. Some days, I just put my back against a pillow and my heart breaks being fooled, as I'm falling asleep, that it's you. I spend all my time focusing on the things I need to do so I don't think about you. About what I don't have. I need you to fight for me and you won't. I just keep closing my eyes and waiting for the next day and on days that I am especially alone, I can't sleep. You are here when I'm awake and in my dreams when I'm not.
What pains me is the thought of my heart being with you and sharing my bed with someone else. It broke my heart to think of it when you moved. It still breaks my heart. Someone was here. He almost smelled like you. He touched me like you do. It wasn't the same. I only felt it was the right choice because I knew I wouldn't see him again. I felt safe and he was calm. We connected and I felt like it made sense. He wrapped his arms around me and I fell asleep. My heart is torn. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't answer the phone. I couldn't bear the thought that I might have hurt you. You won't ask me to be your girlfriend and I cried for hours wondering if I cheated. It's like you already knew. I wish I hadn't drank so much. It wasn't just anyone I took home. It was someone I knew wouldn't compete with you but reminded me enough of you and also, someone I could know wouldn't be hurt either. I cried because I wasn't loyal to you. All I have done is told you every way I could that I only want you. Then, I did the opposite. It helped me feel less lonely for a few days. It's back and worse, now. I want to be loved and swept off my feet. I hate feeling alone. Lonely. I felt like when I could see you more than once a week that I was able to handle it. Now, I try and you push me away further. You only let me come see you once a month and I'm just dying of loneliness. I want what I cannot have and maybe never will be able to. I can't understand the connection I have with you or the coincidences that happen. At first, I felt like I was looking for things but I dreamt about what you were doing last night. I almost wish I was desperate enough to just get a boyfriend. Anyone will do at this point. Someone come over here and cuddle me to sleep. I'm a signature away from being divorced and I'll be wearing someone else's sweatshirt, two sizes too big and it's of a company that fired me. I'm a walking billboard for the most pathetic person. I spent my life being desperate for love and I finally find peace within myself and I am hit with the worst loneliness that I ever felt before. I write it off like I don't have time for anyone else, or that I like my space. Or I don't want a step dad for my kids. I am just sitting here waiting for the love of my life to reach out and take me. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.
I go back and forth wondering why I can't stop wanting you. Some days, I'm fine. It just is what it is. Love will happen when it wants. Some days, I just put my back against a pillow and my heart breaks being fooled, as I'm falling asleep, that it's you. I spend all my time focusing on the things I need to do so I don't think about you. About what I don't have. I need you to fight for me and you won't. I just keep closing my eyes and waiting for the next day and on days that I am especially alone, I can't sleep. You are here when I'm awake and in my dreams when I'm not.
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