Billabong Valley

I am lucky. I said it today and I laughed. I meant it to be sarcastic but my voice has a funny way of pointing out feelings I'm not paying attention to. It gets me in trouble, usually. I'll intend to be kind and it'll sound sarcastic and then they will be mad. Rightly so, I really did want to tell you that you're a dick, deep down in that petty, not thinking ahead, dark place that my mind dips into sometimes. Overall though, whoops. But, today, I MEANT it to be sarcastic and I couldn't even muster it. I am fucking lucky. I got to experience a rare thing. It's not easy to explain. I try. I don't feel empty. I feel whole. Nothing was taken from me. I'm sad as hell and heartbroken but my heart didn't shatter into a million pieces. I'm just a little sad when I think about it. I built a really strong heart in the last year. You helped me do it. You didn't take from me. I don't think I took from you either. If I did, then I am so sorry. But, I don't think I did. I think I added to yours. You snuck in behind my wall all the time and I was reminding you that there are truly good people out here who care. In your own way, you showed me how much potential I can reach by just shining a light down a path. I did the same for you in my own way. You are a rare man. You helped me realize how much of a rare woman I am. Goddamn, I am LUCKY. I couldn't have asked for a better person to walk into my life. I needed you so much. You are fucking awesome. The sadness I have is knowing that we felt the same way but also couldn't dive in yet and that was felt as well. That when I would close the door on you and hesitate, you would be there, inviting me in and I couldn't just go back that quick. When I was there, you would hesitate. The sadness I have is how much that was needed by us both. The sadness is that we had to go through all that pain to get here. The sadness I have is that I still feel you. You are just there. Parked and waiting. The sadness I have is that I have to go about my life and call someone else or text someone else that wonderful and terrible things are going on in my life. The sadness I have is that I might not see you for a long time. And next time I do see you, I'm going to want to feel your body. I'll want to kiss your chin and watch your lips curl up like a cat in contentment. I won't be able to. I've been here before. Wanting to touch you and being around you and having it feel so intensely that I would get upset when someone else got your attention. Then I would be overwhelmed when you turned to me. I would run away. This thing is complicated as fuck. But, a good kind. The kind I want to dive into someday. But, not today. Not right now. I need to be a better mom. I need to get my own head straight so I can serve others. I need to step out of my comfort zone and remember how much of a badass I can be. I need to work my ass off and study to move ahead. I have goals. I said I don't want a relationship until I have a degree and I was subconsciously very serious about that. That was one of the things I said to push a certain person away but not you. Then I said it and realized how very true it is. Funny enough, I know that truly, any man I am with is not going to be you and it will kill me. I don't want anyone else. Its not that I can't see myself being with anyone else or finding someone else "better" for me. I just feel like it will be someone temporary. And that pain doesn't seem worth it. I don't want anyone else. I haven't since we came into each other's lives. I tried. I just don't. My body refuses to want anyone else. I ended a decade long relationship because of it. Realizing that he wasn't it. And he wouldn't ever be. And I need help because that was fucking toxic and made me fall so far behind. You had the same thing happen to you. Becoming a man you didn't feel proud to be. I need to be the woman I know is inside of me. The one I know you deserve. Just like you need to be the man I know is inside of you. The one I deserve. Thanks for holding my hand and never letting go, no matter the distance. No matter how much people pulled us or we pushed each other. That's true love.