I think back to a time when I was unsure about a lot of things. I must have been ready or I wouldn't have been where I was at the time. I ran to you with open arms, I told naysayers to let me be. You would show up and I couldn't wait to touch you. You felt like home and I was lost. You were the hole that I hopped into. Over time, I got shy. I felt like you didn't want anything to do with me. I felt like a child. A hole for you to hop in and out of. I accepted what I was given. I wanted to give more and I hesitated. I didn't know what to do. I never felt like trying so hard for someone who gave me so much silence. You told me you loved me and I let too much time pass. I wasn't there yet. It's not that I didn't love you at all. I just didn't know what to say. I felt like you turned my whole world upside down. But, you didn't at all. You saw my world about to explode and you waited until it did. You slipped in between the debris and took your place in the chaos. I felt like fire all of my life and you were a soothing river, quietly turning me into ash and smoke. It allowed me to be regifted a new life. One where I understood what I didn't before. I felt whole in my body. I felt like I had returned home. You kept turning your back on me. I guess that was what you needed to do at the time. I made you feel and you weren't ready for it. You just wanted to numb your own pain. But, instead, I burned your wounds. You were forced to close them and let them heal. I wouldn't let you get away with sliding through life anymore. We both had to deal. Alone.
But, not ever truly.
You took back your words and now they hang in the air between us. I hear them in my ear when you're behind me, barely audible through your lips. I want to say them and I think them instead. I send it out from my soul and I reach you no matter how close or far you may be. I call you mean. I laugh and my heart is pained. You pull back your face when I close my eyes and you break my heart when you aren't there. I hang in limbo, waiting for you to be there when I reach out to you. But, you pull back. You pull away. You smile like it's a game. You enjoy that I chase you. You'll never tell me so and my heart aches more. You dangle a carrot so close I can smell the earth and feel the bite in my teeth. I can't help myself. I ignore logic with you. I can't bear the thought to let you go just like I cannot imagine being with you. I hang in between. A state of odds that balance each other out. I can't picture what life with you would be because I can't remember what it felt like to not have you here. I felt like I was at a half life and now I am never without. Life goes on whether we are together or not. I am forever changed for the better just knowing you for how long I have.
Oddly, it feels like forever.
I don't picture you like a puzzle piece. I've had puzzle pieces before. People who have come into my life and clicked with me. They coddled me and I them. You are not my puzzle piece. You are the box. Waiting for me to collect them and fit them. Some pieces I get and I don't know where they go, until I see the image on the cover. The big picture I didn't realize I needed. I said I wasn't ready to see you everyday and I lied. I wanted to see you everyday. But, you didn't need to hear that. You needed me to set you free, to support you in what you felt was best for you. I don't disagree. I think you should keep doing what you need to do to be on your path. I want our paths to cross often in this time, but I'll settle for knowing where yours is for now. I can't seem to settle my mind. I want you here. I miss the way your body feels. You are warm and gentle. Quiet and calm. The last time I saw you in person, you had never looked worse. I am serious. You looked like shit. You were so stressed out and too drunk. But, you spoke to me and I saw in your eyes, deep pools of warm honey, gentle and selfless. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to hold your face in my hands. I think I stared at you instead, probably. I bet my face said nothing to the things happening inside. You told me I was really pretty and I am not sure you ever said that to me before. I like when you call me smart. It's usually when I need to hear it because I don't always believe it. You spark a confidence in me that has been lost for some time. I hate when you say there's nothing more to you. I see it in your eyes when you spoke about someone else's pain, a stranger, someone whom you wanted to help. You are more than you appear. I see it. I wait for you to peel your own layers, maybe we discover those together since you can't seem to believe it yourself. Later, you called me cute and I wondered if you would remember that. I was going to bite your finger but I kissed it instead. You saw me for what I am without me revealing myself, too. You see me as I see you. More than anyone else will ever understand. I simultaneously want to know that I have hurt your heart, too, as much as I hope I never have. If I broke your heart that means you care for me like I do you. But, it also means that I have hurt you and I hate that, too. I understand the conundrum. I try to understand all of this. I truly do. My heart is yours. Whether you want it or not. It's broken so I'm not giving it out. I don't know what I mean, either. I understand you and you me. But, we are confusing to ourselves so what does it ever truly amount to?
Nothing and everything.
It's all been set up. no one knows you exist in my life unless I say the words and vice versa. I wonder if you ever talk about me at all. I sometimes do, too much, and then not at all. Some people don't know you exist in my world. A lot of the ones I care about do. I care sometimes that you are a ghost that hangs around, not inhibiting me, and not enabling me either. A soft cloud to remember that no matter how hard I try to forget you are there, you never leave. But, you are real. You exist. I wonder if I'm still a child, believing that true love really does exist. It's when you tell me to drive safe. When I kiss your cheek and you smile, half asleep. When you reach for my hand under your pillow in the middle of the night. It's all the words I put to paper and send off in a blue box. It's the reminders I give you to buy groceries. It's the popsicles you'll never eat. The sweatshirt that I really didn't steal but I'm glad I didn't remember to return (I swear I'll give it back when it doesn't smell like you anymore.) It's the times you tell me you have nothing left to give when you would have normally disappeared. It's when I held your hand over your heart and cradled you over a full moon on the floor of your living room until you felt your pain fade away. It's all nothing and everything.
But, not ever truly.
You took back your words and now they hang in the air between us. I hear them in my ear when you're behind me, barely audible through your lips. I want to say them and I think them instead. I send it out from my soul and I reach you no matter how close or far you may be. I call you mean. I laugh and my heart is pained. You pull back your face when I close my eyes and you break my heart when you aren't there. I hang in limbo, waiting for you to be there when I reach out to you. But, you pull back. You pull away. You smile like it's a game. You enjoy that I chase you. You'll never tell me so and my heart aches more. You dangle a carrot so close I can smell the earth and feel the bite in my teeth. I can't help myself. I ignore logic with you. I can't bear the thought to let you go just like I cannot imagine being with you. I hang in between. A state of odds that balance each other out. I can't picture what life with you would be because I can't remember what it felt like to not have you here. I felt like I was at a half life and now I am never without. Life goes on whether we are together or not. I am forever changed for the better just knowing you for how long I have.
Oddly, it feels like forever.
I don't picture you like a puzzle piece. I've had puzzle pieces before. People who have come into my life and clicked with me. They coddled me and I them. You are not my puzzle piece. You are the box. Waiting for me to collect them and fit them. Some pieces I get and I don't know where they go, until I see the image on the cover. The big picture I didn't realize I needed. I said I wasn't ready to see you everyday and I lied. I wanted to see you everyday. But, you didn't need to hear that. You needed me to set you free, to support you in what you felt was best for you. I don't disagree. I think you should keep doing what you need to do to be on your path. I want our paths to cross often in this time, but I'll settle for knowing where yours is for now. I can't seem to settle my mind. I want you here. I miss the way your body feels. You are warm and gentle. Quiet and calm. The last time I saw you in person, you had never looked worse. I am serious. You looked like shit. You were so stressed out and too drunk. But, you spoke to me and I saw in your eyes, deep pools of warm honey, gentle and selfless. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to hold your face in my hands. I think I stared at you instead, probably. I bet my face said nothing to the things happening inside. You told me I was really pretty and I am not sure you ever said that to me before. I like when you call me smart. It's usually when I need to hear it because I don't always believe it. You spark a confidence in me that has been lost for some time. I hate when you say there's nothing more to you. I see it in your eyes when you spoke about someone else's pain, a stranger, someone whom you wanted to help. You are more than you appear. I see it. I wait for you to peel your own layers, maybe we discover those together since you can't seem to believe it yourself. Later, you called me cute and I wondered if you would remember that. I was going to bite your finger but I kissed it instead. You saw me for what I am without me revealing myself, too. You see me as I see you. More than anyone else will ever understand. I simultaneously want to know that I have hurt your heart, too, as much as I hope I never have. If I broke your heart that means you care for me like I do you. But, it also means that I have hurt you and I hate that, too. I understand the conundrum. I try to understand all of this. I truly do. My heart is yours. Whether you want it or not. It's broken so I'm not giving it out. I don't know what I mean, either. I understand you and you me. But, we are confusing to ourselves so what does it ever truly amount to?
Nothing and everything.
It's all been set up. no one knows you exist in my life unless I say the words and vice versa. I wonder if you ever talk about me at all. I sometimes do, too much, and then not at all. Some people don't know you exist in my world. A lot of the ones I care about do. I care sometimes that you are a ghost that hangs around, not inhibiting me, and not enabling me either. A soft cloud to remember that no matter how hard I try to forget you are there, you never leave. But, you are real. You exist. I wonder if I'm still a child, believing that true love really does exist. It's when you tell me to drive safe. When I kiss your cheek and you smile, half asleep. When you reach for my hand under your pillow in the middle of the night. It's all the words I put to paper and send off in a blue box. It's the reminders I give you to buy groceries. It's the popsicles you'll never eat. The sweatshirt that I really didn't steal but I'm glad I didn't remember to return (I swear I'll give it back when it doesn't smell like you anymore.) It's the times you tell me you have nothing left to give when you would have normally disappeared. It's when I held your hand over your heart and cradled you over a full moon on the floor of your living room until you felt your pain fade away. It's all nothing and everything.
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