I think I'd much rather be alone than deal with people who hurt me. Subconsciously or not. I'd rather be alone than know I am hurting someone. Subconsciously or not. I have learned a lot of lessons in my life. From friendships to relationships. What I have learned has outright killed me. I have been something for a lot of people. A lot of people have been something for me. I find that it didn't take much, after I changed, to understand whom to avoid. It's interesting that I let so many people cross my boundaries and it isn't until now that I fully understand it. When I said that I didn't want to sleep with someone, he persisted. I didn't want him to persist. I think I was clear. So, I will probably not invite him over anymore. Being close was nice. Thanks for kissing my cheek and telling me it smells like roses. I was wondering if other people know that. If you don't know, now you know. I want a man who understands my boundaries. I don't need a man who will persist when I say, no. I don't need to let people walk all over me because they can. Wow, my perception has been fucked for a long time. It's weird and probably bad that it took me probably four days to get that. I was hoping that I would be able to get to a better place with someone so I can move forward but, I don't need that shit. If I say that I just needed to be held for a bit and you get on top of me then that's not exactly what I was fucking saying, man. Have some respect. My face turning away should have been an indication that you are too fucking close, dude. I'd rather just lay in my bed alone. I've got a ton of pillows. I like making a nest and falling asleep laying all over them. That's better to me then having to uncomfortably tell someone that I need them to back their fucking face away from me. Even the kindest people from my memories are eventually just that. I just know that I always came from a place of trying to help people. I for sure didn't always say the nicest thing or treat people the way they deserved to be treated, I've been shitty to people including myself. Not an excuse or a reason. Just an observation.
I realize how desperate I seem. I just wanted to be a part of your life but you didn't want me there. I see it because I see how other people want to include themselves in my life and I don't want it. If I want you there, I'll invite you in. I am hard to understand and get to know. I think I let people think they got a piece of me for a long time because I didn't even fully understand that they weren't getting all of me. There were some people who got all of some of me. Not all of it. Not every piece and all of the pieces. At some point, I think I have given out all of me in some way or another. Just not how you might think. Not how I want to be with someone. All of me is a whole 'nother animal. One that I didn't even comprehend until I started expanding. It's weird finally realizing you've been less of a human your whole life. Not fully being awake to all there is to yourself. Now that I see what I do inside of myself, I realize how little I give out that counts. How secluded I make myself because no one needs to see those parts of me. I started opening up and letting not just a partner see them, but everyone around me. I let family and friends in that I felt were safe for me. Safe to see parts of me that I hadn't let out in a long time and not all at once. I felt very rejected very quickly. Somehow, I wasn't able to live my life exactly how I wanted to. I feel like I helped some people very close to me see things they couldn't. They tried to talk to me about things they supposedly saw that I couldn't. Maybe they were right, I don't think so. I don't think that he didn't deserve me ever. I think that is a shitty thing to say about your friend. I suppose at the time they didn't know what was going on in my head. They didn't know that I didn't feel like I deserved him. It is interesting to see perspectives in hindsight. It's 20/20 as my mom always says.
I confided in someone for a long time. I thought, we are family. I was wrong. Your blood may be in the same family as me but we are not family. Family doesn't turn their back on someone because they don't feel like dealing with the bad stuff that comes up. Maybe that's how your family handles it but that's not my family. I have a lot of things to say to you, actually. You are a dick. You probably know that. When I needed someone to be my friend, you turned on me. You straight ghosted me. Your own flesh and blood. I get it. Truly, I do. Because, I had a lot of family turn their backs on me when I said I wanted a divorce. He was sending messages to everyone in my life. All the people I felt were important to me. Maybe even people I didn't feel that way about. Who knows. (To the people who believed me, you were the ones who are grounded. Thank you. Truly. I needed to feel like I had a quiet, safe, space and you were there for me.) He told them he was worried about me. Yeah, you all should have been worried about me. Just not how you think. You should have been worried that I stayed with him for a decade. You should have been worried the first time we broke up and I called the wedding off. I needed help back then. I needed help for a long time. I didn't understand how deep the trauma was and how toxic the relationship was. I should say- I knew. I just didn't know what to do about it. I didn't think it was true. I couldn't listen to myself say the truth. That it wasn't good for me. It was unlike any other relationship I ever had and I needed to realize the lesson to be learned, not make it worse. When I realized the depth of it, I felt crazy. I had a meltdown. He was telling my sister I was insane while I was crying trying to sort through all of my emotions. I told him how I felt. That I felt empty and drained and that I can never make someone like him happy because he takes and takes and takes. He left for his studio and told me he didn't care anymore if we got a divorce. I chose to stay after that. To have another baby with him. That's on me. I took him back. All the while, feeling like something just wasn't quite right. Even to this day, he will text me and we go back and forth for hours. Sometimes for days at a time. At the end of it, I am depressed. Drained. Sad. I feel like he has stolen something from me every time. He doesn't get to take and take and take. I hate to say that is how I felt about my family as well. Instead of them coming to me and asking me what was going on or how I felt, they assumed he knew. He never knew. I would explain it to him over and over and over. He never fucking got me. Never. He still doesn't. He will start assuming. I can't even tell you how many times he has come to some conclusion about how I feel then tells me how I feel like it is the truth. It is frustrating. You don't know how I feel. I don't even know how I feel sometimes. Either way, he's always fucking way off. It's maddening. It doesn't matter though. I think that people decided to feel about me in a certain light and they went from there. The people still standing in my life are ones that I allowed to be here. I don't need to keep trying with people who will never understand me. It sucks that I lost some people I did genuinely like as a result but that's the way it goes when you are healing. Some people don't come back. I started to see a layer to people around me that always seemed fake because it was. You are fucking fake as hell. You can cover up things with a damn rug all you want. You can try to read between lines that aren't there all you want. (FUNNY THING that you are finding things that aren't there but not looking under your own fucking rugs.) Sometimes people are just hurting and need space. It's nothing against anyone. It's not anything to be upset about. You don't need to put other people's emotions on you. Just because I was hurting doesn't mean I was trying to hurt others. Just because I was hurting doesn't mean I suddenly turned lesbian*. I legit had someone come up to me and tell me that the close hugs with another woman need to stop. Like, seriously? I am comforting a friend and I need comfort and sorry it's too long for you. Like, what? I think they were uncomfortably long sometimes, too. I'm not going to just stand there and watch someone cry. Fuck off with that shit. You can't tell an empathetic person not to care. Maybe tell her to stop fucking crying on me, then. I'll admit that at the end there, I felt a certain way towards certain people. I was mad at my family for twisting everything I said, no matter the intentions, it was still acted upon like I was doing something wrong. No, I seriously was NOT saying anything other than what was simply said. It's funny cos after my sister and I had a falling out/fight/cry session where we talked about how we truly felt- we both realized that a certain someone was triangulating fights without us realizing. Our own insecurities caused us both to think that the other was hurtful and mean. After that, the air was lifted and we got to a better place. There is no being petty or mean to each other. We both understood that it was just how we felt inside and let weird things become our truths. Not everyone thinks like you do. Miraculously, by the last week around all those people, I found that no one was sharing information with me. I was told that I needed to be more open to communication which was hilarious. What I needed to communicate is that I felt used by two very specific people and although one of them decided to stop replying at all, somehow I was to blame for the lack of communication. The other was frankly not up to par. It just took her all day to do something really simple. I would try to help to get it done faster and I was given looks by other people. Whatever, bro. I tried to talk about it in a way that wasn't me shouting, omg she is not working out and I got sent home. I stubbornly said no. I was told my "energy" was horrible. Ya think? I've been placed in a goddamn box where my family and friends have become so intertwined that I'm afraid to say anything for fear of being fired. For someone else thinking I was being rude because of their own insecurities. They told me they felt like they were walking on eggshells which honestly made me laugh. I felt that way EVERYDAY around my family. I got through it. For almost a year. Again, in the end, I proved them right, I suppose, by talking shit about someone. She pissed me off beyond comprehension. Absolutely oblivious to how much she uses people around her. Funny enough, I had my best friend and my mom, two of the most grounded people I know tell me to be careful around her after they met her cos she seemed like a user. Exact words by both of them. Interesting. Either way, I considered reaching out and apologizing several times and in the end, I decided: Fuck it. I think the best advice I got was, yeah, don't fucking bother. I think he was right. I wonder sometimes who really is the brains of that operation. I reread a conversation from last year with a mutual friend and she said something that I ignored at the time but reading it the other day helped me bring up an interesting ponder. Between the two of them, I really think one is more inclined to smartly and quietly manipulate than the one who is loud and comes off as manipulative, however, it is a toss up, to be honest. I think they both have big hearts in different ways but somehow both manage to use people and leave them feeling shitty about themselves. Overall, one is louder and more obvious so maybe he is the one that gets blamed. Hard to say. JUST MY OPINION.
I find that the small amount of people still in my life are people who don't take from me. They allow me to be me. They don't try to tell me what to do and if they do have advice for me, I listen and they respect that I might not take their advice. They don't get offended by what I say because they are secure enough to understand that whatever comes up isn't about how I feel about them but how they feel about themselves. I can take constructive criticism from the people in my life and choose to look at it from their perspective and make a better choice next time without harming myself or anyone else. It's funny being in this place. Good. But funny.
If you notice I am uncomfortable around you, back off. If I seem pissed off, maybe you are a dick. If I am happy, then let me be so. It's not rocket science but yet navigating people's emotions are draining.
I feel like I have been putting off all of these feelings for awhile because I was still sort of involved in it all. Somehow I was being held back in a way where I couldn't move forward because I kept wondering if how I acted impacted how someone else felt about me. But, in them saying they don't want to be involved with me- that took all that pressure off of feeling like I needed to hold onto all those people. I don't need to let it lay under the rug for myself. I was forced to put a damn rug over it but I'm glad I don't have to anymore. It's freeing to start sorting through it all. I know who I am and if anyone wants to see me any differently then I don't blame them. You haven't asked how I feel. You haven't asked me to say my perspective or what I saw happening. You wanted to take my advice but you ignored why I suggested it. Do you think that actually I do consider myself a leader but I cannot lead someone who very obviously does not follow and throws a coffee pot across the room in response to a differing opinion. He left out that key part when he retold what happened and also that when I said I was the leader, I then said, let me lead. It's very important to me that I wasn't allowed to feel from multiple angles that I could lead because I was told no. I would bow down and let him do whatever he fucking wanted. Despite how I would run around and have to change numbers because he would MAKE THEM UP. It happened WEEKLY. I told them about all this and after dealing with it all for over a year all the while it getting busier and there were more people to manage. Somehow, that was on me. I was fucking serious when I said maybe you should take a closer look. That shit is about to implode if something doesn't change. If someone doesn't change. It's nice to point a finger at one person but I think a system put in place that chronically ignores the problem and allows people to get into the "my way or the highway" mentality should be held accountable as well. Good luck with all that shit, seriously. And no, I don't want to come to your stupid party.
I have been told my whole life that I am naive. It's funny because I would always refute it immediately. I couldn't properly explain it. I think I get it now. It'll be easier to explain. I am naive to how people treat me. I think the best of everyone I meet and when I get a bad feeling in my gut, I would ignore it or try to prove myself wrong. I don't do that anymore. I trust my gut. If you give me a bad vibe, I see what is at stake. I don't need that shit. Not one bit. Sure, think I am naive. I don't care anymore. Because being naive doesn't mean I'm not smart. It doesn't mean I don't understand people. It doesn't mean that I will get hurt. It just means that I think people are better than the garbage they turn out to be. Me and my rose colored glasses are going to enjoy this wonderful space either way.
*I have always and will always be very hetero. I like dick. You don't need to know but I feel like this is somehow misconstrued by a lot of people, so I'll tell you and just because you think you see something or feel something from me doesn't mean I feel that way. Empaths are mistaken often for carrying the emotions of others. It's frustrating. I often meet people who think I want more from them than I do when I let them get close which is a reason I try not to let a lot of people in. It has happened with men and women. Another common weird thing that happens is that because when I open up sexually around someone they suddenly think we should bring other people into the mix. No. If I ever were to want to be with two people at the same time then they both need to be men. I don't want a threesome either way. People are dicks. Also, maybe I can't reach climax because I need a lot of romance and half assing it and then wondering why I'm not there isn't going to make it suddenly happen. You just cumming doesn't get me there either. I need commitment because when I do give in completely with someone, then I will develop other deeper feelings and more things inside of myself come alive. If I'm okay with being very vulnerable with you then you will see what I mean. So, if you feel like I didn't enjoy myself or you want to point a finger then just know its because I don't want to fully commit to you emotionally or I feel like you aren't in it fully and it will end up hurting me more to do so. DEEP THOUGHTS. There. I fixed myself. I didn't need anyone to do that. I just need a man who will give me all of them because that is what I need to open up all of me. MIC DROP
I realize how desperate I seem. I just wanted to be a part of your life but you didn't want me there. I see it because I see how other people want to include themselves in my life and I don't want it. If I want you there, I'll invite you in. I am hard to understand and get to know. I think I let people think they got a piece of me for a long time because I didn't even fully understand that they weren't getting all of me. There were some people who got all of some of me. Not all of it. Not every piece and all of the pieces. At some point, I think I have given out all of me in some way or another. Just not how you might think. Not how I want to be with someone. All of me is a whole 'nother animal. One that I didn't even comprehend until I started expanding. It's weird finally realizing you've been less of a human your whole life. Not fully being awake to all there is to yourself. Now that I see what I do inside of myself, I realize how little I give out that counts. How secluded I make myself because no one needs to see those parts of me. I started opening up and letting not just a partner see them, but everyone around me. I let family and friends in that I felt were safe for me. Safe to see parts of me that I hadn't let out in a long time and not all at once. I felt very rejected very quickly. Somehow, I wasn't able to live my life exactly how I wanted to. I feel like I helped some people very close to me see things they couldn't. They tried to talk to me about things they supposedly saw that I couldn't. Maybe they were right, I don't think so. I don't think that he didn't deserve me ever. I think that is a shitty thing to say about your friend. I suppose at the time they didn't know what was going on in my head. They didn't know that I didn't feel like I deserved him. It is interesting to see perspectives in hindsight. It's 20/20 as my mom always says.
I confided in someone for a long time. I thought, we are family. I was wrong. Your blood may be in the same family as me but we are not family. Family doesn't turn their back on someone because they don't feel like dealing with the bad stuff that comes up. Maybe that's how your family handles it but that's not my family. I have a lot of things to say to you, actually. You are a dick. You probably know that. When I needed someone to be my friend, you turned on me. You straight ghosted me. Your own flesh and blood. I get it. Truly, I do. Because, I had a lot of family turn their backs on me when I said I wanted a divorce. He was sending messages to everyone in my life. All the people I felt were important to me. Maybe even people I didn't feel that way about. Who knows. (To the people who believed me, you were the ones who are grounded. Thank you. Truly. I needed to feel like I had a quiet, safe, space and you were there for me.) He told them he was worried about me. Yeah, you all should have been worried about me. Just not how you think. You should have been worried that I stayed with him for a decade. You should have been worried the first time we broke up and I called the wedding off. I needed help back then. I needed help for a long time. I didn't understand how deep the trauma was and how toxic the relationship was. I should say- I knew. I just didn't know what to do about it. I didn't think it was true. I couldn't listen to myself say the truth. That it wasn't good for me. It was unlike any other relationship I ever had and I needed to realize the lesson to be learned, not make it worse. When I realized the depth of it, I felt crazy. I had a meltdown. He was telling my sister I was insane while I was crying trying to sort through all of my emotions. I told him how I felt. That I felt empty and drained and that I can never make someone like him happy because he takes and takes and takes. He left for his studio and told me he didn't care anymore if we got a divorce. I chose to stay after that. To have another baby with him. That's on me. I took him back. All the while, feeling like something just wasn't quite right. Even to this day, he will text me and we go back and forth for hours. Sometimes for days at a time. At the end of it, I am depressed. Drained. Sad. I feel like he has stolen something from me every time. He doesn't get to take and take and take. I hate to say that is how I felt about my family as well. Instead of them coming to me and asking me what was going on or how I felt, they assumed he knew. He never knew. I would explain it to him over and over and over. He never fucking got me. Never. He still doesn't. He will start assuming. I can't even tell you how many times he has come to some conclusion about how I feel then tells me how I feel like it is the truth. It is frustrating. You don't know how I feel. I don't even know how I feel sometimes. Either way, he's always fucking way off. It's maddening. It doesn't matter though. I think that people decided to feel about me in a certain light and they went from there. The people still standing in my life are ones that I allowed to be here. I don't need to keep trying with people who will never understand me. It sucks that I lost some people I did genuinely like as a result but that's the way it goes when you are healing. Some people don't come back. I started to see a layer to people around me that always seemed fake because it was. You are fucking fake as hell. You can cover up things with a damn rug all you want. You can try to read between lines that aren't there all you want. (FUNNY THING that you are finding things that aren't there but not looking under your own fucking rugs.) Sometimes people are just hurting and need space. It's nothing against anyone. It's not anything to be upset about. You don't need to put other people's emotions on you. Just because I was hurting doesn't mean I was trying to hurt others. Just because I was hurting doesn't mean I suddenly turned lesbian*. I legit had someone come up to me and tell me that the close hugs with another woman need to stop. Like, seriously? I am comforting a friend and I need comfort and sorry it's too long for you. Like, what? I think they were uncomfortably long sometimes, too. I'm not going to just stand there and watch someone cry. Fuck off with that shit. You can't tell an empathetic person not to care. Maybe tell her to stop fucking crying on me, then. I'll admit that at the end there, I felt a certain way towards certain people. I was mad at my family for twisting everything I said, no matter the intentions, it was still acted upon like I was doing something wrong. No, I seriously was NOT saying anything other than what was simply said. It's funny cos after my sister and I had a falling out/fight/cry session where we talked about how we truly felt- we both realized that a certain someone was triangulating fights without us realizing. Our own insecurities caused us both to think that the other was hurtful and mean. After that, the air was lifted and we got to a better place. There is no being petty or mean to each other. We both understood that it was just how we felt inside and let weird things become our truths. Not everyone thinks like you do. Miraculously, by the last week around all those people, I found that no one was sharing information with me. I was told that I needed to be more open to communication which was hilarious. What I needed to communicate is that I felt used by two very specific people and although one of them decided to stop replying at all, somehow I was to blame for the lack of communication. The other was frankly not up to par. It just took her all day to do something really simple. I would try to help to get it done faster and I was given looks by other people. Whatever, bro. I tried to talk about it in a way that wasn't me shouting, omg she is not working out and I got sent home. I stubbornly said no. I was told my "energy" was horrible. Ya think? I've been placed in a goddamn box where my family and friends have become so intertwined that I'm afraid to say anything for fear of being fired. For someone else thinking I was being rude because of their own insecurities. They told me they felt like they were walking on eggshells which honestly made me laugh. I felt that way EVERYDAY around my family. I got through it. For almost a year. Again, in the end, I proved them right, I suppose, by talking shit about someone. She pissed me off beyond comprehension. Absolutely oblivious to how much she uses people around her. Funny enough, I had my best friend and my mom, two of the most grounded people I know tell me to be careful around her after they met her cos she seemed like a user. Exact words by both of them. Interesting. Either way, I considered reaching out and apologizing several times and in the end, I decided: Fuck it. I think the best advice I got was, yeah, don't fucking bother. I think he was right. I wonder sometimes who really is the brains of that operation. I reread a conversation from last year with a mutual friend and she said something that I ignored at the time but reading it the other day helped me bring up an interesting ponder. Between the two of them, I really think one is more inclined to smartly and quietly manipulate than the one who is loud and comes off as manipulative, however, it is a toss up, to be honest. I think they both have big hearts in different ways but somehow both manage to use people and leave them feeling shitty about themselves. Overall, one is louder and more obvious so maybe he is the one that gets blamed. Hard to say. JUST MY OPINION.
I find that the small amount of people still in my life are people who don't take from me. They allow me to be me. They don't try to tell me what to do and if they do have advice for me, I listen and they respect that I might not take their advice. They don't get offended by what I say because they are secure enough to understand that whatever comes up isn't about how I feel about them but how they feel about themselves. I can take constructive criticism from the people in my life and choose to look at it from their perspective and make a better choice next time without harming myself or anyone else. It's funny being in this place. Good. But funny.
If you notice I am uncomfortable around you, back off. If I seem pissed off, maybe you are a dick. If I am happy, then let me be so. It's not rocket science but yet navigating people's emotions are draining.
I feel like I have been putting off all of these feelings for awhile because I was still sort of involved in it all. Somehow I was being held back in a way where I couldn't move forward because I kept wondering if how I acted impacted how someone else felt about me. But, in them saying they don't want to be involved with me- that took all that pressure off of feeling like I needed to hold onto all those people. I don't need to let it lay under the rug for myself. I was forced to put a damn rug over it but I'm glad I don't have to anymore. It's freeing to start sorting through it all. I know who I am and if anyone wants to see me any differently then I don't blame them. You haven't asked how I feel. You haven't asked me to say my perspective or what I saw happening. You wanted to take my advice but you ignored why I suggested it. Do you think that actually I do consider myself a leader but I cannot lead someone who very obviously does not follow and throws a coffee pot across the room in response to a differing opinion. He left out that key part when he retold what happened and also that when I said I was the leader, I then said, let me lead. It's very important to me that I wasn't allowed to feel from multiple angles that I could lead because I was told no. I would bow down and let him do whatever he fucking wanted. Despite how I would run around and have to change numbers because he would MAKE THEM UP. It happened WEEKLY. I told them about all this and after dealing with it all for over a year all the while it getting busier and there were more people to manage. Somehow, that was on me. I was fucking serious when I said maybe you should take a closer look. That shit is about to implode if something doesn't change. If someone doesn't change. It's nice to point a finger at one person but I think a system put in place that chronically ignores the problem and allows people to get into the "my way or the highway" mentality should be held accountable as well. Good luck with all that shit, seriously. And no, I don't want to come to your stupid party.
I have been told my whole life that I am naive. It's funny because I would always refute it immediately. I couldn't properly explain it. I think I get it now. It'll be easier to explain. I am naive to how people treat me. I think the best of everyone I meet and when I get a bad feeling in my gut, I would ignore it or try to prove myself wrong. I don't do that anymore. I trust my gut. If you give me a bad vibe, I see what is at stake. I don't need that shit. Not one bit. Sure, think I am naive. I don't care anymore. Because being naive doesn't mean I'm not smart. It doesn't mean I don't understand people. It doesn't mean that I will get hurt. It just means that I think people are better than the garbage they turn out to be. Me and my rose colored glasses are going to enjoy this wonderful space either way.
*I have always and will always be very hetero. I like dick. You don't need to know but I feel like this is somehow misconstrued by a lot of people, so I'll tell you and just because you think you see something or feel something from me doesn't mean I feel that way. Empaths are mistaken often for carrying the emotions of others. It's frustrating. I often meet people who think I want more from them than I do when I let them get close which is a reason I try not to let a lot of people in. It has happened with men and women. Another common weird thing that happens is that because when I open up sexually around someone they suddenly think we should bring other people into the mix. No. If I ever were to want to be with two people at the same time then they both need to be men. I don't want a threesome either way. People are dicks. Also, maybe I can't reach climax because I need a lot of romance and half assing it and then wondering why I'm not there isn't going to make it suddenly happen. You just cumming doesn't get me there either. I need commitment because when I do give in completely with someone, then I will develop other deeper feelings and more things inside of myself come alive. If I'm okay with being very vulnerable with you then you will see what I mean. So, if you feel like I didn't enjoy myself or you want to point a finger then just know its because I don't want to fully commit to you emotionally or I feel like you aren't in it fully and it will end up hurting me more to do so. DEEP THOUGHTS. There. I fixed myself. I didn't need anyone to do that. I just need a man who will give me all of them because that is what I need to open up all of me. MIC DROP
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