I hesitated several times this morning. I hesitate sometimes, we all do. But, today it meant something. I hesitated and although the imprint is still there, like a scab that has healed and you can see the reminiscence with the scar, I was able to pass over it without a further thought. I would have mulled it over for far too long before today. Searching the scar, looking for the reason there. It's an echo that repeats time and time again. But, not today. I trusted that I was making the right choice. That I'm capable. I am smart enough, I am being kind, I am putting internal self-hate talk in the trash, where it belongs. It was important for me to take all this time for the last year plus a few months to heal some things. It was good to clear a bunch of things out. I still have more to go, but I feel full. Its strange that the more junk I had taking up space, the more empty it made me feel. It's not exactly how that is interpreted though. The more negative things in your hold, the more positive things you need to counter act it, but it just turns into more negative space. The darkness takes away from what you put into it. Like a black hole, it just sucks everything into a pit of black. When you start closing that hole up, you have more room. Because, now there is space for the good and it stays there. You can expand and let more positive things inside. I think that this gets confused by many people. I have so many things beginning to bud right now and I have the space for it. J.K. Rowling had it right, I open at the close. Shifting into this space was so difficult. I fought it tooth and nail for longer than I can remember. I need someone that needs me in just the same way. Someone who can hold more space for me. I feel like you always knew that wasn't going to be you. I settled for a little less than I needed over time and now, I don't need it at all. I hope we meet again and again. But, it wasn't the right timing. It still isn't. I still have a huge crush on you and I probably always will. I don't love and then forget. I love. Time and distance hasn't changed how I feel about you. It hasn't changed how much I care about you. It just changed the amount that I desperately wanted you. Maybe that hasn't changed either. It's hard to think that there will be a time I won't desperately want you. I don't want to feel that but, I will probably have to at some point. For now, things must end to begin again.
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