When I think about her my face gets hot and I feel angry. I partly hate her because she reminded me of myself. Because she was also better at some things than me. In all the ways, I was jealous of her. I don't think I'm over it. I should probably say I am still jealous of her. She's smaller, cuter, prettier, has a nicer body, better with people, even my kids. She turned the heads of several men I wanted. I need to let it go and every time I try, I simply cannot. She was like a little broken bird who wanted me to take care of her and I did my best while encouraging her to deal with it herself. That's how the change happens within you. You just have to deal with it yourself. I hate that I pick up on people's emotions and tend to stay at home to avoid it. I pay attention when no one thinks I am. I see and feel things about people around me. I can tell when people lie to me. I can't stop it from happening and it kills me in a way people don't realize. I feel like I have too much of an imagination and I can just write a story based off of peoples emotions. Sometimes, I'm way off guard. It was just a feeling they had and then its gone. I've had those, too. I just got the distinct impression that using sex was a way for her to feel good about herself and she tried it on me and several other people I know. At the time, I just had these feelings and I just dealt with them how I could (by shoving them down and ignoring them). I tried talking to her about feeling jealous, also. She told me a story about how her friend's boyfriend, in the past, tried to have sex with her and she stopped it before it got too far. She cried and I honestly couldn't tell what she meant by that. Was that a past hurt that she was just relating to me somehow- or did she do that to me? Was I the friend? I went over it again and again and again. I tried to let it go. It seemed like it was okay and it would be fine. I wrote a story about it. I pictured a similar scenario and wrote about it to get it out of my head. What if she was talking about the man I liked? If so, how could she? How could he? How could I expect to move forward being in the situation I was in? I couldn't get away from either of them if I tried.
Everyday, I was drained when I came home. I didn't have enough time to fill back up halfway before I was sucked dry again. I felt empty and frustrated. How do you continue to take care of a small bird who doesn't seem to really be sick but yet cannot help themselves? I'm sure people have felt that way about me, too. I took pity on her after I was sure I didn't want to contribute anymore. Instead of it working itself out, I just let things fester. I could have let it go. I could have just owned up to my issues. (I did own up to some of them. Just not all of them.)
I should have just let her vent and never mentioned my things. Even if I felt they related. Even if I needed to. What I really needed to do was just let go. I needed to let go of the idea that I had someone. I had a friend. That's about it. I attached things to that. To him. Then I got jealous that I could see something between them. Whether or not they intended it. I saw it. I felt it. Instead of saying that it didn't matter, I let that feeling brew. If we were all out together, he would approach and I would walk away. I couldn't stand for him to know it hurt me. That I wanted him to just put his arm around my waist or hold my hand and instead, he would act like he was just a friend and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the rejection. I put all of that on her. Like it was somehow her fault. There was a lot of things about our friendship that I felt like she wasn't genuine but it kills me that I put things on her that weren't her fault.
It doesn't matter now, even though I still let it bother me. It'll pain me for awhile. I know, because I still get hurt seeing anyone I've had a disagreement with. I can't get over things. I can let things go, with time, but I always still hurt from them. People are surprised when they find out that I am so sensitive. How is it a surprise? Is it just because they never care to ask how I am doing or what I need? Is it because I don't speak up? Something has to be really upsetting me for it to be voiced and usually by then, my mind has already made itself up and I just need to explode about it before I can be reasoned with. Being misunderstood should be a caption on my business card. I never know what my face is doing because my mind is never settled on whatever people react to it. I let my emotions run and no one ever realizes what they are to begin with.
None of it matters.
Even if I wanted to, I can't blame how I feel on other people. Even if they are dicks. Even if they are crazy. Even if they should be held accountable. It's not on me to make that decision. It's not on me to dole out the punishment. I can only blame myself for how I feel. And I feel like letting go. I don't need to feel sad. I don't need to feel jealous. I don't need to feel loss. I don't need to feel empty. Or alone. Sometimes things don't work out and it's okay. Sometimes people aren't what they seem and that's okay, too. I usually am right about people shortly after I meet them and I try anyways. That's on me. I should trust my instinct and my gut more often. There's definitely some people taking up parts of my brain that I should just let go of. I need more space. For myself. For others who won't take advantage of me.
Everyday, I was drained when I came home. I didn't have enough time to fill back up halfway before I was sucked dry again. I felt empty and frustrated. How do you continue to take care of a small bird who doesn't seem to really be sick but yet cannot help themselves? I'm sure people have felt that way about me, too. I took pity on her after I was sure I didn't want to contribute anymore. Instead of it working itself out, I just let things fester. I could have let it go. I could have just owned up to my issues. (I did own up to some of them. Just not all of them.)
I should have just let her vent and never mentioned my things. Even if I felt they related. Even if I needed to. What I really needed to do was just let go. I needed to let go of the idea that I had someone. I had a friend. That's about it. I attached things to that. To him. Then I got jealous that I could see something between them. Whether or not they intended it. I saw it. I felt it. Instead of saying that it didn't matter, I let that feeling brew. If we were all out together, he would approach and I would walk away. I couldn't stand for him to know it hurt me. That I wanted him to just put his arm around my waist or hold my hand and instead, he would act like he was just a friend and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the rejection. I put all of that on her. Like it was somehow her fault. There was a lot of things about our friendship that I felt like she wasn't genuine but it kills me that I put things on her that weren't her fault.
It doesn't matter now, even though I still let it bother me. It'll pain me for awhile. I know, because I still get hurt seeing anyone I've had a disagreement with. I can't get over things. I can let things go, with time, but I always still hurt from them. People are surprised when they find out that I am so sensitive. How is it a surprise? Is it just because they never care to ask how I am doing or what I need? Is it because I don't speak up? Something has to be really upsetting me for it to be voiced and usually by then, my mind has already made itself up and I just need to explode about it before I can be reasoned with. Being misunderstood should be a caption on my business card. I never know what my face is doing because my mind is never settled on whatever people react to it. I let my emotions run and no one ever realizes what they are to begin with.
None of it matters.
Even if I wanted to, I can't blame how I feel on other people. Even if they are dicks. Even if they are crazy. Even if they should be held accountable. It's not on me to make that decision. It's not on me to dole out the punishment. I can only blame myself for how I feel. And I feel like letting go. I don't need to feel sad. I don't need to feel jealous. I don't need to feel loss. I don't need to feel empty. Or alone. Sometimes things don't work out and it's okay. Sometimes people aren't what they seem and that's okay, too. I usually am right about people shortly after I meet them and I try anyways. That's on me. I should trust my instinct and my gut more often. There's definitely some people taking up parts of my brain that I should just let go of. I need more space. For myself. For others who won't take advantage of me.
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