I look into the mirror and I am a mess. I wonder if I should care more or less. I think about how much more I could have done. It is no matter. I need to do more now. I feel different today. I feel taller. I graze the top of my car door getting out. Did I grow or am I just standing up taller? She tells the class to set an intention and I close my eyes.
"Are you ready?"
No.
"What?" I take a breath, knowing what she said and what she meant, wondering why I am like this.
"Are you ready?" She repeats.
"Oh, um..." I stall.
"Everything is ready. You just need to sign the papers. How do you want to do this?" The vibration from the speaker blows air into my chin.
I feel it. I am brave. I don't feel brave, but I am.
I let that be what it is for today. I allow myself the opportunity to understand what it means to be unconditional. I lay awake most of the night. My mind wants to wander. It wants to picture different ways that fate brings us back to meet again. How far would the distance be? How long until the magnets snap and we feel the impact resonate out? I sweat in my sheets. I kick everything off. Take my socks off. I get up and move.
I am pulled. I turn right. I park my car. Let the rain hit my cheeks. I open up the mailbox and I slip a card inside. It's been awhile. I haven't tried for anyone lately. I know who I am. I know that I give and give and give. Unconditionally. I can add that to my personal resume, now. I understand the unrealistic expectations that I set myself up for all those years. I understand the things I wanted and never got. I just have to stop trying so hard. I just need to simply exist. They come to me in waves, the things I want.
I think about how you were everything I wanted in body and soul. I think about how I know people with the mind I want. I think about how they are different people. At some point they will collide. I'll get it all.
"Are you ready?"
No.
"What?" I take a breath, knowing what she said and what she meant, wondering why I am like this.
"Are you ready?" She repeats.
"Oh, um..." I stall.
"Everything is ready. You just need to sign the papers. How do you want to do this?" The vibration from the speaker blows air into my chin.
I feel it. I am brave. I don't feel brave, but I am.
I let that be what it is for today. I allow myself the opportunity to understand what it means to be unconditional. I lay awake most of the night. My mind wants to wander. It wants to picture different ways that fate brings us back to meet again. How far would the distance be? How long until the magnets snap and we feel the impact resonate out? I sweat in my sheets. I kick everything off. Take my socks off. I get up and move.
I am pulled. I turn right. I park my car. Let the rain hit my cheeks. I open up the mailbox and I slip a card inside. It's been awhile. I haven't tried for anyone lately. I know who I am. I know that I give and give and give. Unconditionally. I can add that to my personal resume, now. I understand the unrealistic expectations that I set myself up for all those years. I understand the things I wanted and never got. I just have to stop trying so hard. I just need to simply exist. They come to me in waves, the things I want.
I think about how you were everything I wanted in body and soul. I think about how I know people with the mind I want. I think about how they are different people. At some point they will collide. I'll get it all.
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