I read to get away. I open articles. I skim, I read in detail. I read for fun, for knowledge, to laugh or cry. I read to get away. To get away from my thoughts, reality, from all the signs that you never left. I read and your name is in the passage. I chuckle and say, "okay." I read on and I pick another piece. Something different. Your name comes up. I finish and I lock my computer. I walk down the halls, to move my feet. To feel different. To get you out of my head. You never leave. I lean against a windowsill and see your car in the parking lot, pulling into a spot. The only thing moving in front of me. I close my eyes and tap the sill with my knuckles, just to be sure I'm still here. I haven't made this up in a dream. I have woken up. I am here. I am alive. So I walk down the halls where there is no windows. Where there is no parking lot. Where I can't see your car. I put in earbuds and listen to a daily mix. Something I didn't pick. A song comes on and it's what we listened to the first time we kissed. When we were in the back of your car. The one I heard in my head as I drove home that night and parked my car. The one that I sat searching for but couldn't figure out the name of the song or who sang it. The night that I tucked myself into bed and I looked up at the ceiling and I realized that I didn't live in my life anymore. The one where I felt that I had found home and it was nothing like it was before. I listen to it. The whole thing. I write this while I do it. No matter what I do. I don't stop being reminded of you. I don't shut you out. That isn't fair. I just... let you be. You need to be alone now and I let you. The universe keeps shouting about you. Peppering you into my life. I was out. Drinking some beers. Having fun. My friend told me about his brother. As an afterthought, he said his name. It was your name. I meet people with the same middle name as you. People say your last name to me and every time, they have a fire in their pupils and I feel it. The word is lengthened. Why does it come up so much!? I get it. I get it, universe. I hear you! I have no problem with this connection. It's not for me to figure out anymore. I made peace with it. Life will happen when it is supposed to. I am lucky for the time I had. My heart is in agony that maybe there is no more of you for me in this life. But, it will be how it is supposed to be. I miss feeling you. I woke up yesterday and I hugged a pillow as I was still half asleep and I felt you there. I feel whole. I still have so many lessons to learn. I have so many things to work on. I have so many subjects to learn. I'll never stop. I can't prove that I will keep going if you were here, now. For now, I keep moving. I keep going. I stop thinking about you and I get reminded. I smile and I am grateful I knew you. I am happy that I had some time. Not enough time for my big heart, but some. That is far better than none. It makes my eyes tear up and I used to think I was insane. I don't anymore. I just am who I am. For whatever it is worth. I am you as much as I am your opposite. So, as you deny this connection, I invite it. I was never holding you back from anything. I was never distracting you from anything. I am the billboard for all that you need to work on. I am the mirror you must face to move forward. You may choose to walk away from it. But, I do not go away. I will always be there. You will always be reminded. I wish you wouldn't deny me. I wish you would come back, hold my hand and face ourselves together. But, I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I would never think of asking. I'll be here. Waiting for you to change your mind. Or accept things. Or come back. I'm not pausing my life while waiting. Just being patient that you will come back when you're ready. Waiting. Always.
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