Growth is painful. Really painful. I think I always pushed that aside and chose the pain of being in a weird toxic cyclical place because I already knew what it would feel like to go through it. Choosing to go through the pain of growing is a different pain so it was really hard to subject myself to it. It was worth it in the end, or in the middle, because now I know what that feels like and it's easier to do. It's easier to say, yes, to that kind of pain. It doesn't make it easier to go through, truly. This space is different than any of them before. I woke up four days in a row (falling asleep with them as well) to anxiety attacks. I breathed through them. I didn't overthink anything. Stuff came up and I just meditated and let it go. I don't need to have anymore attachments to pain because my mind wants to punish me. I don't need to feel like I'm less than because I decided to give my heart away to the wrong people. I don't need to feel like I'm less than because I decided to stop giving my heart away and it floated away on it's own. I am not mad about the people that have come into my life and the lessons I learned from it. I'm in this space, now. The one where I understand my worth. I've been crying everyday for a little over a month now. Sometimes, I am just touched by other people, sometimes just sad as hell. I'm letting it out in slow spurts. Just feeling what comes up but not dwelling in that pain. I hid a lot of my feelings for a long time and unlocking each door, moving into the next room, each with a bathtub I could drown in, it's helping me realize I just need to drain the tub. Clean up. Move on to the next one.
I have somehow been guided by people around me and my own accord to work on the past so I can remain present for the future. I've been, unknowingly, letting things go and forgiving. Not all of it. Not all at once. I shut my feelings down for a long time because of trauma. I don't know if all of them got unlocked necessarily along the way. I'm still remembering parts of myself that I haven't seen for decades. But, I am grateful for this space. I accept that everything I went through in the last year was all worth it to get to this place. I'm not sure I really believed everything I said in the past but, I believe myself now. I have the power and the ability to move forward and get what I want out of life. Without dragging myself or anyone else down. I am allowed to set boundaries. If they get crossed, I'm allowed to cut that person out. I'm allowed to cut them out even if I have to be nice and see them. I am still working on that middle ground because I do not do well when forced to lie or be fake.
I'm not perfect. I never said I was. I don't expect other people to be. We are all on our own path, doing whatever we need to, to move forward. I don't blame anyone for it and I won't allow anyone to hold me back. Not even myself. I also won't allow someone else to take the blame when I hold myself back. Being accountable for my own actions is always something that debilitated me. I can't say I never put myself down or blame myself for stupid shit but, I am recognizing the lesson rather than the cause. It happened. Shitty stuff will happen. It's just the way life is and I will make the best of it. I still get tripped up over wanting to reach out to people who have hurt me in the past. I still want to apologize. I still want to try my best to fix things. I don't need to do this. I just need to get right with myself. Fix myself. The rest will just fall into place.
I have somehow been guided by people around me and my own accord to work on the past so I can remain present for the future. I've been, unknowingly, letting things go and forgiving. Not all of it. Not all at once. I shut my feelings down for a long time because of trauma. I don't know if all of them got unlocked necessarily along the way. I'm still remembering parts of myself that I haven't seen for decades. But, I am grateful for this space. I accept that everything I went through in the last year was all worth it to get to this place. I'm not sure I really believed everything I said in the past but, I believe myself now. I have the power and the ability to move forward and get what I want out of life. Without dragging myself or anyone else down. I am allowed to set boundaries. If they get crossed, I'm allowed to cut that person out. I'm allowed to cut them out even if I have to be nice and see them. I am still working on that middle ground because I do not do well when forced to lie or be fake.
I'm not perfect. I never said I was. I don't expect other people to be. We are all on our own path, doing whatever we need to, to move forward. I don't blame anyone for it and I won't allow anyone to hold me back. Not even myself. I also won't allow someone else to take the blame when I hold myself back. Being accountable for my own actions is always something that debilitated me. I can't say I never put myself down or blame myself for stupid shit but, I am recognizing the lesson rather than the cause. It happened. Shitty stuff will happen. It's just the way life is and I will make the best of it. I still get tripped up over wanting to reach out to people who have hurt me in the past. I still want to apologize. I still want to try my best to fix things. I don't need to do this. I just need to get right with myself. Fix myself. The rest will just fall into place.
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