I was dreaming. I got a text message. It said, "I'm here." I woke up and felt safe. I had been searching, wandering in circles, marinating in despair. The moment I let go, I felt relief wash over me. Grief and release. Problems began to disappear. They didn't just get resolved, they evaporated from existence. I sometimes take my mind back to times and places from my past. I feel an inner turmoil. A disgust at myself for not growing up faster. Then I remember, it was still me. I was just a lost soul, unsure of how long or how far I had to go. I wasn't even sure who I was in the slightest. People kept telling me they knew me. They "understood" me. They would predict my movements. They would tell me how I handled things, or how I would moving forward. It was usually off. Sometimes, entirely. I just said, "okay." I don't like to be reminded of the unpleasant feeling of being misunderstood and having it be stated as fact. This is a fact, how you don't feel, and there is nothing you can do about it. Helpless. Disconnected. It made me lash out in anger, with sex, with secrets. It's strange to feel that anxiety slip back into my heart. When I do this, I remind myself of who I am now. How I can't fault my past self for not understanding what I know now. I was protected. I was occasionally told, not always in a way I could understand. It wasn't up to other people to help me understand, however, I am here now. I pushed through because someone understood me. I felt like I was questioning my explanation for how I felt at times. It was as if I was trying to convince myself what I knew about myself. I was so used to being told how I felt or having an assumption placed on me that I had to truly ask myself how I felt.
How do you feel?
It was a slow trickle. Opening up the faucet took time. I let a little out. Then I allowed myself a lot of time to think on it. Is that true? Is that how I feel? I don't need to question myself. I don't need to explain myself to me. I'm so used to having to justify, to prove, how I feel because I felt differently than what someone else was telling me to feel. At times, I found myself saying and doing similar things that were done to me. I felt like it was a speeding train, extending from my inner self, projecting ill treatment, one I couldn't stop from coming. It came out in slow trickles. Sometimes, they wouldn't notice and I would close my eyes to stop the pain of knowing what that felt like hearing it come from my mouth. It hurt worse being directed at me. It felt wrong either way. I had a choice. I had the option of saying nothing. Not playing the games that I was a pretty pawn in all of those years. I was wrong and I knew it as the damage was done. It was already happening. I began to withdraw. To sink into myself. Who are you? You have a choice and you keep doing it wrong. The most frustrating part was knowing and not being able to stop myself. I had to let it out. I had to get it out and it came out calm and seemed to be filled with malice. It wasn't, truly. It was just like air slipping out of a balloon. It came out loud and abrupt and unwarranted. It rushed out fully, without stopping until it was gone. A slow leak that moved the air over a period of time in a disturbing way. This is the cycle. I see it and I feel helpless to stop it. It's frustrating when you realize you have had complete control this whole time.
You have the power to leave.
The hardest part is letting go. To understand that you have a voice, and it is loud. It is important. It is needed. It is wanted. Everyone around you will reflect what you need. You will find yourself in new situations. The environment changes, the issues are the same. How you handle them is differently. It's not because they are different. It is because you are different. I have come to realize that I do not care how people feel about me. I am the one who has to live with me. I think I'm pretty awesome. It took a long time for me to not feel guilty about being proud of myself. I used to think it was selfish to be content with myself. It has to be wrong in some way, to love yourself unconditionally. I was so very misguided. It is the most important thing to do. Love yourself, unconditionally. If you do that, then nothing else matters. At all. I can be proud of my actions, now. I am not afraid to ask for what I want. I am not afraid to be honest with how I feel. It is okay to tell someone I don't want more from them. It is okay to have friends that love you unconditionally. It is okay to let people go if they don't. That might be the hardest lesson I have ever learned. I love with my whole heart and if I know it should end, it becomes a case file that I need to go over. Scrutinizing the text, there must be something here that I missed. Red flags somewhere. There's always red flags. Recently, I have just washed it away. Of course, I didn't listen to my instincts. Now, I can. If there is a force behind words then there is the option to leave. I do not need to be involved with someone else's demons. That is for you to figure out, dear. I appreciate anyone who handled me with my shit, however, that is not my job. I understand that now. Some are better with letting go than others. Grace is powerful.
Let it happen.
I feel the pull. It is subtle. It's like a small whisper. If I hesitate, I miss it. If I am willing to act, quickly, with directness, then I accomplish what I need to do for the day. I feel a path illuminating before me that comes together as I make my choices. The small, subtle, things that you think are entirely too small to matter, those are the things to pay attention to. That grass is calling you and if you don't sit down in it, you will miss your opportunity. I sometimes feel as though I have taken Felix Felicis. I just want to take that stairwell. I need to go there now. Its more complicated than I imagined. The more I listen to my inner self, the closer I get to my goals. I take the time. To focus. To let go of feelings of the past that adhere to current situations. Oh, that isn't the same. I remember how it did feel, in the past. I let it go and move forward. I don't bury it. I just let it go away. Evaporate into the universe. Let that be someone else's lesson. Something else they should have learned. It's not my job to be that kind of teacher. I would rather be a guide for myself.
How do you feel?
It was a slow trickle. Opening up the faucet took time. I let a little out. Then I allowed myself a lot of time to think on it. Is that true? Is that how I feel? I don't need to question myself. I don't need to explain myself to me. I'm so used to having to justify, to prove, how I feel because I felt differently than what someone else was telling me to feel. At times, I found myself saying and doing similar things that were done to me. I felt like it was a speeding train, extending from my inner self, projecting ill treatment, one I couldn't stop from coming. It came out in slow trickles. Sometimes, they wouldn't notice and I would close my eyes to stop the pain of knowing what that felt like hearing it come from my mouth. It hurt worse being directed at me. It felt wrong either way. I had a choice. I had the option of saying nothing. Not playing the games that I was a pretty pawn in all of those years. I was wrong and I knew it as the damage was done. It was already happening. I began to withdraw. To sink into myself. Who are you? You have a choice and you keep doing it wrong. The most frustrating part was knowing and not being able to stop myself. I had to let it out. I had to get it out and it came out calm and seemed to be filled with malice. It wasn't, truly. It was just like air slipping out of a balloon. It came out loud and abrupt and unwarranted. It rushed out fully, without stopping until it was gone. A slow leak that moved the air over a period of time in a disturbing way. This is the cycle. I see it and I feel helpless to stop it. It's frustrating when you realize you have had complete control this whole time.
You have the power to leave.
The hardest part is letting go. To understand that you have a voice, and it is loud. It is important. It is needed. It is wanted. Everyone around you will reflect what you need. You will find yourself in new situations. The environment changes, the issues are the same. How you handle them is differently. It's not because they are different. It is because you are different. I have come to realize that I do not care how people feel about me. I am the one who has to live with me. I think I'm pretty awesome. It took a long time for me to not feel guilty about being proud of myself. I used to think it was selfish to be content with myself. It has to be wrong in some way, to love yourself unconditionally. I was so very misguided. It is the most important thing to do. Love yourself, unconditionally. If you do that, then nothing else matters. At all. I can be proud of my actions, now. I am not afraid to ask for what I want. I am not afraid to be honest with how I feel. It is okay to tell someone I don't want more from them. It is okay to have friends that love you unconditionally. It is okay to let people go if they don't. That might be the hardest lesson I have ever learned. I love with my whole heart and if I know it should end, it becomes a case file that I need to go over. Scrutinizing the text, there must be something here that I missed. Red flags somewhere. There's always red flags. Recently, I have just washed it away. Of course, I didn't listen to my instincts. Now, I can. If there is a force behind words then there is the option to leave. I do not need to be involved with someone else's demons. That is for you to figure out, dear. I appreciate anyone who handled me with my shit, however, that is not my job. I understand that now. Some are better with letting go than others. Grace is powerful.
Let it happen.
I feel the pull. It is subtle. It's like a small whisper. If I hesitate, I miss it. If I am willing to act, quickly, with directness, then I accomplish what I need to do for the day. I feel a path illuminating before me that comes together as I make my choices. The small, subtle, things that you think are entirely too small to matter, those are the things to pay attention to. That grass is calling you and if you don't sit down in it, you will miss your opportunity. I sometimes feel as though I have taken Felix Felicis. I just want to take that stairwell. I need to go there now. Its more complicated than I imagined. The more I listen to my inner self, the closer I get to my goals. I take the time. To focus. To let go of feelings of the past that adhere to current situations. Oh, that isn't the same. I remember how it did feel, in the past. I let it go and move forward. I don't bury it. I just let it go away. Evaporate into the universe. Let that be someone else's lesson. Something else they should have learned. It's not my job to be that kind of teacher. I would rather be a guide for myself.
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