I was annoyed with myself. Not like in my past where it would ruin my day, but just a minor inconvenience. I wondered how long it would take to drive home and back again, an hour perhaps? I wanted to call. I wasn't sure if I would hear your voice or endless ringing into echoed silence. I wanted a sign; I got one immediately. I brushed it off. I got another immediately. And another. I followed a sign for 20 minutes before I drifted my mind elsewhere. I convinced myself that not calling was better for me, even if you answered. I still think about closing off my heart to you occasionally and I am pained. I will get overwhelmed with grief and burst into tears. I try to think about where it comes from. Does this pain come from inside me? Is it on the surface? Is it deeper? I ask myself over and over again, feeling my heart break clean. Yesterday, I felt as though my heart hurt. It wasn't emotional, I don't think, but more like chest pains. I felt as though one wrong move would send me to the floor. I worried I couldn't gasp air fast enough, but I breathed. I breathed and I didn't fall. It felt as though a panic attack was grasping, clawing, at me, but I wouldn't allow it to. Last night I dreamt that you were laying in a hospital bed, scared. You called me. You wanted me with you. I saw 5 missed calls in a row. I asked if everything was okay and you called again. I hesitated. I am always available. I answer every time. I make myself available to you always. You do not do the same for me, so I hesitated to answer. My heart hurt, feeling pained from unrequited love. I answered and you told me you were in the hospital, so I spoke with you on the phone until I was by your side. I had a bag with me. I had no intention of leaving you. I dropped my bag next to the chair to the left of your bed. You looked at me like you did the first time I ever saw your eyes. This time, I didn't turn away. I wanted to hug you. I wasn't sure if I should sit or come to you. I wanted to sit to avoid the pained feeling in my chest in case you didn't want my love. I told myself, you are basing this off of fear. I approached your bedside and climbed on top of you. I put my whole body around your chest and belly. You had open arms for me, wrapped them around me. I put my hand on your chest. We laid this way for a long time. A nurse tried to come and say that I needed to be by your side instead and I ignored her. You ignored her. You made a soft face at her. This was what you needed to heal. I made a face like, "try to move me," and she checked your stats before leaving, quietly. I woke up feeling different. It was vastly different than when I went to sleep. I was exhausted. Stressed. Tired. I woke up feeling whole again. How do I feel whole when I do not have you in this physical life? Only dreams of me always sitting in your lap, our bodies wrapped around each other, never letting go. It makes me happy to have a sliver in my dreams. It makes me want to sleep and never wake up. I come to, and my world, my life, my reality, it comes back into existence and I wonder if I am truly alive or just numb to another existence, somewhere else, much more loving than this one.
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