I was reminded of where I am now. When you change your life and make it a habit, you forget how far along you have come until you are reminded. I know now what I knew then, but I didn't know then what I know now. One of my favorite lines from a Modest Mouse song. It doesn't matter though. I can't get someone else to see what I know. They will or they won't. If the space isn't available to them, how can they peer into a life that is foreign to them? I know from experience, that it's unrecognizable until you are there. There isn't any frustration for me. I don't need to go backwards for someone to take their steps forward.
I was serious in my resolution post. Anyone in my life right now that knows what is going on in my everyday life, is here for a reason. If you didn't make it this far, I am sorry. I don't need any frustrations. It's interesting when you find people that you connect with and they are only temporary in your life. When you need them, they seem so permanent. I began recognizing patterns in my behavior. Mirrored by my family, friends, strangers. I don't find that my life is frustrating anymore. I find that it is peaceful. I have space for myself. If anyone demands me to make space for them, they can ask someone else. I will expand for someone who meets me halfway. The part that is not seen, the part that I didn't know until now, is that to break a bad habit, you must be without. If you keep enabling yourself or someone else to repeat patterns, then you won't grow. The moment you are without, you quickly find the time to take a step forward.
I couldn't sleep all weekend. I wasn't up at night worried about anyone. I wasn't afraid. I didn't feel bad at all. I just didn't want my daydreams to leave. I would fall asleep and be woken up shortly after. It was my children, the cat, the tv, myself. I couldn't seem to have a full night's sleep. I accept this challenge. Today is a busy day for me filled to the brim with what requires my mental and physical energy. I feel like I am running on auto-pilot. It's still not about someone who starts fights for no reason. It's still not about people who don't think I can do this. It's still not about people who aren't immediately supportive. It's about me. It's about what I want. What I need. This is all about the stupid connection that won't leave my brain. I don't want it to, truly. But, I wish that it was settled so I can sleep fully again.
I was serious in my resolution post. Anyone in my life right now that knows what is going on in my everyday life, is here for a reason. If you didn't make it this far, I am sorry. I don't need any frustrations. It's interesting when you find people that you connect with and they are only temporary in your life. When you need them, they seem so permanent. I began recognizing patterns in my behavior. Mirrored by my family, friends, strangers. I don't find that my life is frustrating anymore. I find that it is peaceful. I have space for myself. If anyone demands me to make space for them, they can ask someone else. I will expand for someone who meets me halfway. The part that is not seen, the part that I didn't know until now, is that to break a bad habit, you must be without. If you keep enabling yourself or someone else to repeat patterns, then you won't grow. The moment you are without, you quickly find the time to take a step forward.
I couldn't sleep all weekend. I wasn't up at night worried about anyone. I wasn't afraid. I didn't feel bad at all. I just didn't want my daydreams to leave. I would fall asleep and be woken up shortly after. It was my children, the cat, the tv, myself. I couldn't seem to have a full night's sleep. I accept this challenge. Today is a busy day for me filled to the brim with what requires my mental and physical energy. I feel like I am running on auto-pilot. It's still not about someone who starts fights for no reason. It's still not about people who don't think I can do this. It's still not about people who aren't immediately supportive. It's about me. It's about what I want. What I need. This is all about the stupid connection that won't leave my brain. I don't want it to, truly. But, I wish that it was settled so I can sleep fully again.
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