Have you ever made a New Years Resolution only to realize, too late, that you have set yourself up to be someone else entirely and it's unrealistic, so you quickly give up? Or maybe you just give it your all, fake it until you make it, only to find, you aren't fake and being that person is stupid? That's because change takes time. You can wake up and choose to be different. You can choose to attempt tomorrow. Start new goals tomorrow. You can even follow through on them for awhile before you decide to give up. Or, you can start being a person of action. Nothing will change until you are ready to change. You can want it all you want, but if you aren't ready, you will be back where you were before.
I wrote a New Year's Resolution last year that became a bitch fest so I ended up making it private until several months later. I had another New Year's Resolution where I actually responded to all my pettiness and blaming, turning myself into a victor rather than a victim. It felt really hard to do at the time. I cried writing the whole thing. I faked it all. I put the words down because they needed to be seen by me. I read them to myself over and over again. I practiced all year long. I fucked up a lot. I'll admit it. I gave in a lot to people who took up my time. I let drama surround me until it came to a head. I allowed myself to be compromised for the sake of other people. I wasn't perfect.
I re-read my fake resolution this New Year's Day. I smiled when I read it. I nodded my head, yes. I hit the nail on the head. I rolled into 01/01/2020 having completed my goal. I stopped letting other people dictate what I want. I stopped letting people hold me back. I stopped holding myself back. I stopped making excuses and I got up and I put my goddamn big girl panties on and I took a power stance and I am HERE.
I taught my first yoga class ever this week. It was to a class of nine middle school girls with behavior issues. I wasn't prepared. I was under the impression it would be an effort with another much more experienced teacher who I sort of just follow around. I didn't prepare anything. I didn't have time to even be scared. I was in the laboratory all day facing other challenges. I had three different training cell lines ending this week and found out that I messed one up. I didn't check the labels of the growth media and I used the wrong one. The cells were happy, but I didn't follow the procedure correctly. I got up and put on my lab coat and finished the line anyways. I spent my day feeling accomplished, despite the possibility that I had failed. Because, I didn't fail at all. I learned, instead. I walked into the classroom and looked around at nine children in their screens, taking selfies and pushing each other back and forth. I took a breath, I put my hands on my hips and I said, it's time.
This year, I don't have a resolution. I am where I want to be. I do not need to make any promises to myself or others because I am still enjoying the fruits of last years labor. I want to make a change so I just do it. I don't fuss. I don't make excuses. I pull my pants on, one leg at a time and get to work.
I pushed myself to start a career in science and I was delighted to find that I was accepted easily. I pushed myself to start teaching yoga and I was humbled to find that I had it inside me all along. I pushed myself to be alone and not settle for less than what I deserve and I was surprised to find that I had love for myself all along. Was it easy? No. Did I cry a lot? Hell yeah. Do I regret any of it? No.
I suffered a lot of losses this past year and in the years before it. Each and every time, I got stronger. I learned to face conflict. I learned to speak up for what I need. I learned to ask, kindly, for better treatment if I didn't get what I deserved. Anyone who didn't agree, didn't make it with me this far.
Don't settle for less because someone else has a different idea of what is best for you. You don't need to explain yourself. You don't need to lower yourself for other's to understand you. You don't need to hold yourself back from being loved because they don't see what you're worth. You don't need to suffer because no one else listens to you. Just go be you and I promise you'll feel better after you are done mourning.
I wrote a New Year's Resolution last year that became a bitch fest so I ended up making it private until several months later. I had another New Year's Resolution where I actually responded to all my pettiness and blaming, turning myself into a victor rather than a victim. It felt really hard to do at the time. I cried writing the whole thing. I faked it all. I put the words down because they needed to be seen by me. I read them to myself over and over again. I practiced all year long. I fucked up a lot. I'll admit it. I gave in a lot to people who took up my time. I let drama surround me until it came to a head. I allowed myself to be compromised for the sake of other people. I wasn't perfect.
I re-read my fake resolution this New Year's Day. I smiled when I read it. I nodded my head, yes. I hit the nail on the head. I rolled into 01/01/2020 having completed my goal. I stopped letting other people dictate what I want. I stopped letting people hold me back. I stopped holding myself back. I stopped making excuses and I got up and I put my goddamn big girl panties on and I took a power stance and I am HERE.
I taught my first yoga class ever this week. It was to a class of nine middle school girls with behavior issues. I wasn't prepared. I was under the impression it would be an effort with another much more experienced teacher who I sort of just follow around. I didn't prepare anything. I didn't have time to even be scared. I was in the laboratory all day facing other challenges. I had three different training cell lines ending this week and found out that I messed one up. I didn't check the labels of the growth media and I used the wrong one. The cells were happy, but I didn't follow the procedure correctly. I got up and put on my lab coat and finished the line anyways. I spent my day feeling accomplished, despite the possibility that I had failed. Because, I didn't fail at all. I learned, instead. I walked into the classroom and looked around at nine children in their screens, taking selfies and pushing each other back and forth. I took a breath, I put my hands on my hips and I said, it's time.
This year, I don't have a resolution. I am where I want to be. I do not need to make any promises to myself or others because I am still enjoying the fruits of last years labor. I want to make a change so I just do it. I don't fuss. I don't make excuses. I pull my pants on, one leg at a time and get to work.
I pushed myself to start a career in science and I was delighted to find that I was accepted easily. I pushed myself to start teaching yoga and I was humbled to find that I had it inside me all along. I pushed myself to be alone and not settle for less than what I deserve and I was surprised to find that I had love for myself all along. Was it easy? No. Did I cry a lot? Hell yeah. Do I regret any of it? No.
I suffered a lot of losses this past year and in the years before it. Each and every time, I got stronger. I learned to face conflict. I learned to speak up for what I need. I learned to ask, kindly, for better treatment if I didn't get what I deserved. Anyone who didn't agree, didn't make it with me this far.
Don't settle for less because someone else has a different idea of what is best for you. You don't need to explain yourself. You don't need to lower yourself for other's to understand you. You don't need to hold yourself back from being loved because they don't see what you're worth. You don't need to suffer because no one else listens to you. Just go be you and I promise you'll feel better after you are done mourning.
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