It's very early in the morning and I'm driving. I take a left on a whim and end up at your doorstep. I am unsurprised you are awake this early. You let me inside. You are just wearing sweatpants and slump on the couch. I sit down next to you as you adjust, moving closer to each other. I put my head on your bare shoulder. It's smooth and soft under my cheek. I breathe you in. Your left arm reaches around to grab your right hand, gathering my body closer. "I missed you" you breathe into the top of my head. I smile and reply, "I know. Me too. I miss you." It felt like I got sucked backwards into a vacuum. Space had opened up a hole and absorbed me whole. I was suddenly very awake. Staring into the darkness of my mass pile of blankets. I rolled onto my back and let out a sigh.
You couldn't embrace what this was like I couldn't. But it just is. I feel at peace with it as much as I wish I could have you. I know that you feel despair. You don't think you deserve me. No one seems to. But me. I feel like my opinion is the only one that matters. You don't think you can give me what I deserve. You think that you know what's best for me and it isn't you. You are a fool. Logic holds no grounds here and you have known that for a long time. You can't help but reach out and touch me as I can't help but let you. This is different. Something else entirely. Inexplicable connections that occur when we least expect it. I know you feel me, too. It happens and I smile, I don't feel it is worth it to overthink it anymore. It just is. You opened up things inside of me that I didn't know existed. You pointed to the door and I walked through it, finding a whole world inside that was waiting for me. You reminded me of everything I had needed to learn and I learned quickly to adjust. I felt like at times I couldn't keep up. I felt like I didn't deserve you. I felt like I couldn't give you everything you needed. I felt like I wasn't good enough. It didn't make any sense to me just like you saying the same thing to me didn't make sense.
It hurts more not to hear your voice. I know it's needed right now. I know this is the part that we both need to grow. We both have our issues. We need to find our way and grow on our own. Or, that's what I tell myself. I don't know if I truly believe we need to be apart for this to happen. I guess you feel it's necessary so it doesn't hurt to try to embrace it. I still miss your voice. I miss your smell. I miss your touch. I miss how your body felt against mine. Like I was coming home and nothing else mattered because it was all okay. Never like I had felt before. Deeper and more peaceful than I had ever felt in my life. Nothing brings me peace like that anymore. Not even the ocean. Not a warm breeze. Smiles come to my face and I don't feel dead, but it's not the same as the warmth and contentment that I get from feeling you. I miss your face. The way your bottom teeth stick out sometimes when you're really drunk and feeling spunky. I miss your big eyes, amber pools, smooth like honey. Kindness and galaxies blasting around in there. I miss you trying to change the subject to something lighter and making me laugh. I miss bad things, too. I miss you ducking away briefly to calm a habit I hate. I miss the way you would watch me, thinking I didn't see it. I miss feeling vulnerable and embarrassed by you. I miss the challenge of being near you and not touching you. I miss leaving you, feeling the effects of our interactions, trying to process them, moment by moment, storing them to memory. I miss the sting of rejection when you would back off. No, that's still there.
I feel my heart jump back at me, beating double. I breathe through the anxiety of knowing you don't want me. The feeling that you don't reach out so you must not feel the same way. I let doubt and suffering take over sometimes. It's overwhelming. It's painful. I feel it. I let it out. I cry a burst of tears that come suddenly without notice and end just as quickly. I feel you soothe me in my heart. I wonder how long until you wake up and let this weird thing just be what it is again. I can't be with you and I don't want anyone else. I try. I really try to feel things for other people. I just.... don't. I feel like I had a life that was unfulfilled until I met you. I felt whole again. Something that I was missing had come home. I felt something that made no sense in any way on paper. It was just true. It took me a lot of processing but I feel like it is the truth and I'm not afraid to say that. It hurts to think about how other people view my situation. That is for sure. They may pity me or think I'm nuts. They may tell me I will find what I deserve and what I am looking for. I cry. I shed tears at the words. Not because they aren't true. Because, I already have found what I deserve. It was so close for all these years. And now? I wait. I wait and wait. I work on myself to be ready when you are because, I don't have anything else to do. I found the piece I was missing. I found the part of me that I had been empty without. It was inside you. I know you feel it. I know you know what I mean. Because, I had a part of you. The part that you were missing. The part that you didn't know until you knew me. The piece that made you feel like you are everything. The part that reminded you of all the times that you made mistakes and didn't work on them. The part of you that knows what to do but you pull the wool over your eyes. You drink it away. You cover it up with excuses and weed. But, that's on you. Not on me.
Run. Go ahead. But, I'll be there anyways. And you know it.
You couldn't embrace what this was like I couldn't. But it just is. I feel at peace with it as much as I wish I could have you. I know that you feel despair. You don't think you deserve me. No one seems to. But me. I feel like my opinion is the only one that matters. You don't think you can give me what I deserve. You think that you know what's best for me and it isn't you. You are a fool. Logic holds no grounds here and you have known that for a long time. You can't help but reach out and touch me as I can't help but let you. This is different. Something else entirely. Inexplicable connections that occur when we least expect it. I know you feel me, too. It happens and I smile, I don't feel it is worth it to overthink it anymore. It just is. You opened up things inside of me that I didn't know existed. You pointed to the door and I walked through it, finding a whole world inside that was waiting for me. You reminded me of everything I had needed to learn and I learned quickly to adjust. I felt like at times I couldn't keep up. I felt like I didn't deserve you. I felt like I couldn't give you everything you needed. I felt like I wasn't good enough. It didn't make any sense to me just like you saying the same thing to me didn't make sense.
It hurts more not to hear your voice. I know it's needed right now. I know this is the part that we both need to grow. We both have our issues. We need to find our way and grow on our own. Or, that's what I tell myself. I don't know if I truly believe we need to be apart for this to happen. I guess you feel it's necessary so it doesn't hurt to try to embrace it. I still miss your voice. I miss your smell. I miss your touch. I miss how your body felt against mine. Like I was coming home and nothing else mattered because it was all okay. Never like I had felt before. Deeper and more peaceful than I had ever felt in my life. Nothing brings me peace like that anymore. Not even the ocean. Not a warm breeze. Smiles come to my face and I don't feel dead, but it's not the same as the warmth and contentment that I get from feeling you. I miss your face. The way your bottom teeth stick out sometimes when you're really drunk and feeling spunky. I miss your big eyes, amber pools, smooth like honey. Kindness and galaxies blasting around in there. I miss you trying to change the subject to something lighter and making me laugh. I miss bad things, too. I miss you ducking away briefly to calm a habit I hate. I miss the way you would watch me, thinking I didn't see it. I miss feeling vulnerable and embarrassed by you. I miss the challenge of being near you and not touching you. I miss leaving you, feeling the effects of our interactions, trying to process them, moment by moment, storing them to memory. I miss the sting of rejection when you would back off. No, that's still there.
I feel my heart jump back at me, beating double. I breathe through the anxiety of knowing you don't want me. The feeling that you don't reach out so you must not feel the same way. I let doubt and suffering take over sometimes. It's overwhelming. It's painful. I feel it. I let it out. I cry a burst of tears that come suddenly without notice and end just as quickly. I feel you soothe me in my heart. I wonder how long until you wake up and let this weird thing just be what it is again. I can't be with you and I don't want anyone else. I try. I really try to feel things for other people. I just.... don't. I feel like I had a life that was unfulfilled until I met you. I felt whole again. Something that I was missing had come home. I felt something that made no sense in any way on paper. It was just true. It took me a lot of processing but I feel like it is the truth and I'm not afraid to say that. It hurts to think about how other people view my situation. That is for sure. They may pity me or think I'm nuts. They may tell me I will find what I deserve and what I am looking for. I cry. I shed tears at the words. Not because they aren't true. Because, I already have found what I deserve. It was so close for all these years. And now? I wait. I wait and wait. I work on myself to be ready when you are because, I don't have anything else to do. I found the piece I was missing. I found the part of me that I had been empty without. It was inside you. I know you feel it. I know you know what I mean. Because, I had a part of you. The part that you were missing. The part that you didn't know until you knew me. The piece that made you feel like you are everything. The part that reminded you of all the times that you made mistakes and didn't work on them. The part of you that knows what to do but you pull the wool over your eyes. You drink it away. You cover it up with excuses and weed. But, that's on you. Not on me.
Run. Go ahead. But, I'll be there anyways. And you know it.
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