Shifting Sands

When I was younger, I wore who I was like armor. I encouraged people to challenge me. I would not back down. As an adult, I see now that this was not armor. It was a facade. I wasn't being challenging, I was being aggressive. I was stubborn. Last year, several people told me that they felt my energy change. I wasn't entirely sure what that had meant. I knew I had changed, but was unsure about how someone could feel that shift. I spent the last several months focusing on myself and resolving my problems. The last year, really, but the last few months were eye opening for the types of relationships I had in my life previously. It is so easy to fall back into the habit of allowing others to treat me with disrespect. Allowing others to stifle my voice. To disappear into the abyss, covered in dark grey and black clothing. I honestly forget what that kind of energy could feel like until I am faced with someone who has it. I was reminded today about the kind of treatment I expected to receive as a child and what I actually got. I can't blame my parents for not being able to give me a healthy upbringing and I appreciate that they did their best. They still both fucked me up royally. I sit on a couch, weekly, and I am heard. I realize how far I have come, how far I have to go. It makes me push my island farther out into the ocean, far away from anyone who doesn't listen to what I have to say. No matter how small. No matter how insignificant. I find myself apologizing for who I am and for no reason to a healthy person. I get reminded. There is no reason to say sorry. I don't need to apologize for existing. I'm allowed to make noise. I am permitted to create waves. In fact, I can shift my energy into a force and pull the ocean, tugging like the moon, if necessary. I'm giving myself permission to ask for things I want and need and accept that I deserve to get lucky. I have a power inside of me that has been continuously crushed by loud people and I don't have to ignore it or let it go. I can unleash this unto the world. Let it capture unconditional love, and bring it back to me.

Anyone who thinks I have to apologize for them feeling uncomfortable because I showed them the truth can fuck right on off.