Make yourself uncomfortable or it will be made uncomfortable for you.
I started a new job a few months ago. I had to start completely over again. I felt very out of my comfort zone. I had to learn new ways to drive to work. I had to find a new routine. I had gotten used to being on the couch and laying around reading books all day. I had to compartmentalize my time and find a way to make this new schedule work for my family. I had to make eye contact, smile, and have small talk with complete strangers. I had to take a lot of time to figure out where to go, which person to speak with, what the training classes had to do with my new job. I pushed myself everyday to be uncomfortable. I had to pretend I wasn't depressed that the guy I had a crush on had moved away and was looking for a way to break things off with me. I had to pretend that the phone calls from Max's school weren't bothering me. I had to pack my lunch and pretend it didn't bother me to sit in silence in a room full of strangers for 8 hours a day. I had to pretend it didn't bother me that I was feeling rejection, emptiness, and anger. I felt like I had lost everything. Everyone. The universe did what I could not. End toxic relationships and move forward. If they couldn't recognize the change in me and accept me for it- they didn't need to be in my life. I had changed and they treated me like I was the same. They were angry with me for telling them the truth. I was being light hearted and treated with heaviness.
Then, it got easier. I was less uncomfortable. People are very shy here and it was up to me a lot of the times to find someone and confront them. Let them know, I am here and need help. It was very hard when I thought about all the noise behind my uncomfortableness. It was much easier when I took a deep breath and let it all go. I just did it. I ended up making a few connections. I found someone who teaches yoga and she gave me the contact information to do volunteer work. A non-profit organization that teaches kids yoga. The exact thing I wanted to do with my teaching certification. The more I am here, the more I am able to get lost in the crowd. I can choose to be anti-social, which I often do. I can also choose to make a connection. I can choose to be forward. It is up to me.
This is a space I never thought I would be in last year. Last year, at this time, I was struggling with love. I wanted love, I felt like it was just dangling in front of me. I wanted to have it. The more I tried to get it, the farther it got. So I gave it to myself. I gave it to others. No one gave a shit. Or so it seemed. So I stopped giving it out also. I kept it for myself.
Maybe I grew cynical, for some. In reality, I got smart. I got better at understanding and recognizing when I am being taken advantage of. It stands out a lot more for me now. I used to think it took a long time to understand someone and where they are in their life. Now, I know. I can figure it out almost immediately. It is very helpful in understanding whether I want to pursue friendships.
I know I am not done being uncomfortable.
A friend asked me why I am pushing myself to do a fruit feast even though I, admittedly, feel kind of terrible. Because, it made me uncomfortable to think about cutting out everything but fruit. Because, I won't grow if I'm not uncomfortable. Because, maybe there is something I am not understanding about my eating habits, or my past, or relationships that I might find if I push myself farther than I thought was possible.
Why do I spend all this time writing out my thoughts? Because, it makes me uncomfortable to be vulnerable. So, here's all my thoughts.
I started a new job a few months ago. I had to start completely over again. I felt very out of my comfort zone. I had to learn new ways to drive to work. I had to find a new routine. I had gotten used to being on the couch and laying around reading books all day. I had to compartmentalize my time and find a way to make this new schedule work for my family. I had to make eye contact, smile, and have small talk with complete strangers. I had to take a lot of time to figure out where to go, which person to speak with, what the training classes had to do with my new job. I pushed myself everyday to be uncomfortable. I had to pretend I wasn't depressed that the guy I had a crush on had moved away and was looking for a way to break things off with me. I had to pretend that the phone calls from Max's school weren't bothering me. I had to pack my lunch and pretend it didn't bother me to sit in silence in a room full of strangers for 8 hours a day. I had to pretend it didn't bother me that I was feeling rejection, emptiness, and anger. I felt like I had lost everything. Everyone. The universe did what I could not. End toxic relationships and move forward. If they couldn't recognize the change in me and accept me for it- they didn't need to be in my life. I had changed and they treated me like I was the same. They were angry with me for telling them the truth. I was being light hearted and treated with heaviness.
Then, it got easier. I was less uncomfortable. People are very shy here and it was up to me a lot of the times to find someone and confront them. Let them know, I am here and need help. It was very hard when I thought about all the noise behind my uncomfortableness. It was much easier when I took a deep breath and let it all go. I just did it. I ended up making a few connections. I found someone who teaches yoga and she gave me the contact information to do volunteer work. A non-profit organization that teaches kids yoga. The exact thing I wanted to do with my teaching certification. The more I am here, the more I am able to get lost in the crowd. I can choose to be anti-social, which I often do. I can also choose to make a connection. I can choose to be forward. It is up to me.
This is a space I never thought I would be in last year. Last year, at this time, I was struggling with love. I wanted love, I felt like it was just dangling in front of me. I wanted to have it. The more I tried to get it, the farther it got. So I gave it to myself. I gave it to others. No one gave a shit. Or so it seemed. So I stopped giving it out also. I kept it for myself.
Maybe I grew cynical, for some. In reality, I got smart. I got better at understanding and recognizing when I am being taken advantage of. It stands out a lot more for me now. I used to think it took a long time to understand someone and where they are in their life. Now, I know. I can figure it out almost immediately. It is very helpful in understanding whether I want to pursue friendships.
I know I am not done being uncomfortable.
A friend asked me why I am pushing myself to do a fruit feast even though I, admittedly, feel kind of terrible. Because, it made me uncomfortable to think about cutting out everything but fruit. Because, I won't grow if I'm not uncomfortable. Because, maybe there is something I am not understanding about my eating habits, or my past, or relationships that I might find if I push myself farther than I thought was possible.
Why do I spend all this time writing out my thoughts? Because, it makes me uncomfortable to be vulnerable. So, here's all my thoughts.
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