How different would my life be if I believed I was a good person my whole life and acted accordingly. I'm not sure when I decided I wasn't a good person. Most recently, maybe about 4 years ago when a group of women and I had a falling out while pregnant with Luna. I had a lot of people that I love tell me that it wasn't me. I just am not that person they left behind. I felt like, maybe it's time to grow up. It was a rocky start. Today, I honestly have no idea how I could be misconstrued to be a bad person. But, I just get the feeling that I am. Like a sinking suspicion. You don't have people in your life because you aren't a good person. Or, is it because I truly believe that I'm not and I put everyone else's emotions on my shoulders and walk around bearing all the weight as if it's all mine? Then act accordingly? Is this just my way of placing the blame on someone else so I don't deal with the real things I need to figure out before I can move on?
I don't say or do anything that hurts others. I've learned that too many times the hard way to keep making that mistake. I would rather never speak again than have someone hurt because of my words. I keep to myself to avoid the option. I don't feel like things I say have time to formulate in my mind before I say them. I say things and people get offended- even if my mind wasn't there. So, why bother speaking? If it is believed that I truly say and do things to purposely hurt others? Maybe I just never cross people's minds. They probably don't care or notice I'm not around anymore. Just like I feel like I had to do for someone who had nothing nice to say to me recently. I just simply.... forgot she existed sometimes. I would think on her with kindness in my heart and hope she wakes up, but seeing her face and hearing her words. It made me wonder what she sees when she looks into my eyes. What does she think I do when she isn't around? Is my whole existence just to hold up a mirror and feel the pain when she lashes out? Either way, her words hurt me deeply. I remember being a terrible person. I can't remember why I did some of the things I did. Impulsive things. I bring them up time to time to prove I suck. Remember what you did in your past? That is who you are! Even if I am not that person anymore. There was that one time I did a shitty thing but it was over 15 years ago, so it's still relevant? How?
I keep remembering things in my past. Even just a year ago. Months ago. I was so jealous. I didn't like that feeling. I couldn't get over it. I don't even understand where it came from. It just was something pulled out of me, out of left field. It's true that they say you have to start over from zero to truly change and find yourself. I hear things that younger women say around me and I think, I've been you before. I hope you figure it out soon. Maybe its just part of trauma. I was treated like shit. Therefore, I allowed it to happen. Which means I must have deserved to be disrespected. That must mean I like it. I'll seek it.
A painful road it has been.
But, I'm not here for sympathy. Because, I'm not a victim. I'm not here for someone to tell me I'm amazing. I don't need validation. I need to see myself. Even if it's the worst version of me. I have to dig pretty far sometimes but there's really small examples in my near past. I feel like I wasn't allowed to complain. Other people can. I wasn't allowed to be jealous. Even though the person I was jealous of was jealous of another person who complained incessantly about another woman who had inspired me one day in yoga class. She talked about Ganesh, the Hindu god who had an elephant head. He would create a path. It didn't mean it was always happiness, instantly. Just that a path would be cleared for someone to walk down. It can mean that you have to let go of people, things, places, and emotions to walk the path. Ganesh would do that for me that day. I opened up my heart and did a few things that day that were out of my comfort zone. But, that amazing person, was the object of someone's jealousy. And her? She was made out to be a person to be jealous of by the woman I was jealous of. And the cycle of jealousy was a tough web. However, I was called out. Like it was my web. Okay. I'll take that burden for everyone. I do that often, I'm used to it. I hope that everyone figures their shit out before they are put in the center of it all.
If you can't beat them, join them.
And I'm here beating myself up mentally. Wishing I was good enough. Worthy enough. When truly, why should I have to dumb myself down or go backwards? I am propelling forward and I do not have time to be sorry for myself. Don't you do it to me or you.
I feel at times like I am a hollow shell. Like I have no idea who I am until other people tell me. Sometimes, it's not good, what they say. Or how I feel after hearing them. So bad, that I don't know if I believe the people who know me now.
I don't say or do anything that hurts others. I've learned that too many times the hard way to keep making that mistake. I would rather never speak again than have someone hurt because of my words. I keep to myself to avoid the option. I don't feel like things I say have time to formulate in my mind before I say them. I say things and people get offended- even if my mind wasn't there. So, why bother speaking? If it is believed that I truly say and do things to purposely hurt others? Maybe I just never cross people's minds. They probably don't care or notice I'm not around anymore. Just like I feel like I had to do for someone who had nothing nice to say to me recently. I just simply.... forgot she existed sometimes. I would think on her with kindness in my heart and hope she wakes up, but seeing her face and hearing her words. It made me wonder what she sees when she looks into my eyes. What does she think I do when she isn't around? Is my whole existence just to hold up a mirror and feel the pain when she lashes out? Either way, her words hurt me deeply. I remember being a terrible person. I can't remember why I did some of the things I did. Impulsive things. I bring them up time to time to prove I suck. Remember what you did in your past? That is who you are! Even if I am not that person anymore. There was that one time I did a shitty thing but it was over 15 years ago, so it's still relevant? How?
I keep remembering things in my past. Even just a year ago. Months ago. I was so jealous. I didn't like that feeling. I couldn't get over it. I don't even understand where it came from. It just was something pulled out of me, out of left field. It's true that they say you have to start over from zero to truly change and find yourself. I hear things that younger women say around me and I think, I've been you before. I hope you figure it out soon. Maybe its just part of trauma. I was treated like shit. Therefore, I allowed it to happen. Which means I must have deserved to be disrespected. That must mean I like it. I'll seek it.
A painful road it has been.
But, I'm not here for sympathy. Because, I'm not a victim. I'm not here for someone to tell me I'm amazing. I don't need validation. I need to see myself. Even if it's the worst version of me. I have to dig pretty far sometimes but there's really small examples in my near past. I feel like I wasn't allowed to complain. Other people can. I wasn't allowed to be jealous. Even though the person I was jealous of was jealous of another person who complained incessantly about another woman who had inspired me one day in yoga class. She talked about Ganesh, the Hindu god who had an elephant head. He would create a path. It didn't mean it was always happiness, instantly. Just that a path would be cleared for someone to walk down. It can mean that you have to let go of people, things, places, and emotions to walk the path. Ganesh would do that for me that day. I opened up my heart and did a few things that day that were out of my comfort zone. But, that amazing person, was the object of someone's jealousy. And her? She was made out to be a person to be jealous of by the woman I was jealous of. And the cycle of jealousy was a tough web. However, I was called out. Like it was my web. Okay. I'll take that burden for everyone. I do that often, I'm used to it. I hope that everyone figures their shit out before they are put in the center of it all.
If you can't beat them, join them.
And I'm here beating myself up mentally. Wishing I was good enough. Worthy enough. When truly, why should I have to dumb myself down or go backwards? I am propelling forward and I do not have time to be sorry for myself. Don't you do it to me or you.
I feel at times like I am a hollow shell. Like I have no idea who I am until other people tell me. Sometimes, it's not good, what they say. Or how I feel after hearing them. So bad, that I don't know if I believe the people who know me now.
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