The End

I have suffered through a lot of losses in my life. Maybe they were all just the lessons I would need to learn. I'm sure I have learned at least something each time. For now, I feel it has softened me in some ways, hardened me in others. I have found myself on the other side of the fence of last year. It is interesting to see this perspective. It is much less painful for me. It was an easy choice for me to not try to pursue someone I am not interested in. I find it interesting that I was pursued, just enough, to keep my hopes up. That someday, this would be more. It kept becoming more and more... until it wasn't anything at all. I think I need to allow all this extreme pain in. I need to endure the pain of feeling the loss. I keep brushing it off as a love that will return someday, however, I can't keep living my life this way. I've spent almost two years loving someone who would never simply love me back. Why try with me? It meant my entire life. Everyone I knew. You became a part of my life and you fit right in because you were sort of already there. Why did you do this to me? Why did you give me hope of more when there wasn't anything else? Why did I get secluded from my entire life? I was already broken and feeling secluded. I was already struggling with trauma, pain, loss, suffering. Why did you think it was okay to keep me there? I have lost a lot of people as a result. My whole world was flipped upside down and I tried my damndest to right everything I could. I don't regret the losses I have endured. They made me stronger. It made it easier to recognize when I get gaslit. It made it easier to understand that other people's feelings are not my problem. Other people's issues are not my issues. I have my own set of things to sort out. I was more than willing to help guide or be inspirational, but not at my own personal expense. That is something I wasn't quite understanding. I thought, some people are worth bending over backwards for, some people are worth the effort. Sometimes, you just love people no matter what and I thought it was worth the risk. My family. My job. I feel as though I lost everyone I knew and loved. I am done, though. I am done.