I was thinking about how I took a different route to work because it was just easier that way. I didn't have to think about calling you. Or laughing at nonsense. Letting the pauses allow my mind to wander. I've been on auto-pilot for weeks. I don't remember driving. I just know I get there. I'm noting the feeling of not fully recognizing that there is an in between. Because, I'm busy feeling other things. I smile and see messages and it hits me that one day, those memories will be replaced. I'll call someone else on the way to work. I smile anyways. They were fond memories. They won't go away. Just as I have so many other ones from other people. I know it was different. I know.
Will you always?
I smile. It's Two Weeks again. I am glad it's fond memories right now. I wonder... Will I always choose you? Every time? Would I always? Do I still choose you?
Tears come up and I laugh at the thought. Yes. I still choose you. I still always do. There was just something different about what we had. I think of all the happiness that is approaching. The lovely feelings of having a crush and it's reciprocated. How that could lead to more. The feelings of being wanted and wanting. The understanding, that always strikes me most of all. I do not wish to pursue anyone who doesn't understand me. It's not a common thing. I smile and my eyes are starting to focus again, I have arrived.
I still choose you. And that fucking sucks. Because, you don't choose me. And you never will. That's the part that burns the pit of my heart. The ashes that are healing the past. The deep hollow that burns but it is hidden away. Tucked into a tiny pocket, waiting for the next life.
I walk down the halls and suddenly I'm not there. I get vertigo. I smell a hospital, the alcohol that they disinfect everything with is whispering to my nose. I want to lay down, but I am walking so I move. I blink and keep going. That feeling will just hit me always. The one where I feel like I chose a life where I am being asked to move and I say, how far. The life where I feel you either way. I feel somewhere deep down its just a dream. An imaginary life where I live in my daydreams. Someday you'll find me again. I wait and feel that pain. I heal it. I wait. I feel out of my body and it remains until I shake it away.
Will you always?
I smile. It's Two Weeks again. I am glad it's fond memories right now. I wonder... Will I always choose you? Every time? Would I always? Do I still choose you?
Tears come up and I laugh at the thought. Yes. I still choose you. I still always do. There was just something different about what we had. I think of all the happiness that is approaching. The lovely feelings of having a crush and it's reciprocated. How that could lead to more. The feelings of being wanted and wanting. The understanding, that always strikes me most of all. I do not wish to pursue anyone who doesn't understand me. It's not a common thing. I smile and my eyes are starting to focus again, I have arrived.
I still choose you. And that fucking sucks. Because, you don't choose me. And you never will. That's the part that burns the pit of my heart. The ashes that are healing the past. The deep hollow that burns but it is hidden away. Tucked into a tiny pocket, waiting for the next life.
I walk down the halls and suddenly I'm not there. I get vertigo. I smell a hospital, the alcohol that they disinfect everything with is whispering to my nose. I want to lay down, but I am walking so I move. I blink and keep going. That feeling will just hit me always. The one where I feel like I chose a life where I am being asked to move and I say, how far. The life where I feel you either way. I feel somewhere deep down its just a dream. An imaginary life where I live in my daydreams. Someday you'll find me again. I wait and feel that pain. I heal it. I wait. I feel out of my body and it remains until I shake it away.
Comments
Post a Comment