Cold Brains

The words resonate in my head. I wonder, how long has it been since I felt that way? How long ago have I felt that very same pain, the lashing out, the immature feelings of wanting to be dead? It's been so long ago, it feels surreal, like it never happened to me. But, I know it to be true. I have the words written down. Just blow it off. I wrote the date in the beginning of the book. I know what I felt. Hearing the words out loud just crept up that feeling. Knowing what it is like to feel so broken. The world had been taken of all worth. All the color, gone. Globs of tears began to stream down my cheeks, I felt it again, only briefly. The dead leave and you may move forward, be someplace else, but you never truly recover from the loss. When you least expect it, right when you think you are past it all, you are reminded. The memories flood back to me like a storm and I wonder, how long have I been grieving? How long have I been taught I am not good enough? I cannot make it? I'm too ambitious? Too lazy? I can't do all the things I set out to do? I also need to get off my lazy ass and wash the dishes? Which is it? Am I ever truly able to let it all go? Or, does it just sit, deep in my heart, waiting. It floats up so quietly, I don't even notice until there it is. Right there. The deepest pile of blackness. The nothingness that numbs my soul, takes away all inner worth, all the thoughts that I have pushed down into a layer like old bones, broken down into fuel that ignite and set the place on fire. The bowl of jelly beans. The worst flavor of all. Why is Easter always so strange for me. It brings up things I cannot recall. A scent in the wind, there are visuals that have no beginning nor end. I cannot grasp it long enough to bring it all forward. Just enough, to make me think, there has been a long line of conditioning that I see and it drives me insane to see it now. Knowing that I brought children into this world, knowing that there is evil, and I am powerless to stop it. Realizing, that it is too late to sever ties. I am forever tied. I have to curtsy and smile. My shoulders slump, my gaze evades, I realize what a puppet I have been. My whole life. The anger that comes forward is hot and loud. It is uncalled for in the situation because, it is for my past. When I was small and not able to let it out. It's a poor excuse to anyone who has had to see or hear what happens when I dip into that pool. The one where the pain melts into a pot of acid. I become immune because I bathe in it. I sit in it for so long I become a gilded creature, impervious to light. Goodness comes and I blink at it. Unable to appreciate its fine beauty. Because, it is not meant for me. I am not allowed to enjoy it. If I do, the rug gets pulled out from under me and I am reminded why I cannot have nice things. Why I cannot belong to nice people. I am worth nothing, as I was taught. I was told. By everyone raising me. Anyone who had a hand. I was told I wasn't right. It didn't matter what I did. It was wrong. I should have been the one that died.