Some people are temporary.
I forget this often. I meet people and get along with them, and I take time to sort through the information I receive from observing them for a long time. Sometimes, I will take years to process all that I can. I will analyze everything about them. How they speak. The words they like to use over and over again. The way their body moves. What annoys them. The way that their emotions shift slightly. I feel them. See them. I will sometimes start to take on certain movements they repeat. It's annoying for me, since I know it is happening. I hope that they don't notice that I like them a lot and therefore, I will start to mimic them. As most people do. People tend to meld things about people they like with themselves. I try to do my best to stay unique, but I suppose the melting pots that everyone turns into is a little of things they encounter in people, isn't it?
When I have a crush on someone, I will want to savor every moment with them. I will think about everything they do and say. I wonder what motivates them. At a certain point, I get quiet. I want to hear the subtly in their voice. I want to feel what they mean. I want to observe their actions in comparison to their words. Sometimes, well, probably most of the time, I will ignore certain things that I would otherwise see as bad in other people. If I like someone enough. I will overlook very bad things. I give too many people the benefit of the doubt. I can hear what you aren't saying but, I wait until the action proves it. Then I will feel like I've had an epiphany about someone and everyone around me will not understand. Then I feel isolated. Because, no one else sees what I see. Or experiences what I do. So, I come across as seeing something that isn't there. But, I've heard the words and seen the actions. The more I love someone, the more I will allow them to repeat this potentially "red flagged" behavior before I will cut them out. I will slowly, but surely, disappear. Eventually, making sure they can no longer see inside of my private life. Which is cryptic to whether or not it is all of my secrets.
Even this blog, has its limitations when it comes to what actually goes through my mind at any given point in a day. There are very few people who understand my body, mind, and soul/spirit. Even those people don't always understand my words or actions. I celebrate when someone understands me fully. It is a really wonderful thing for me.
If you're in my circle, you hear from me. If you understand me, then I skip small talk usually. I will rant for an hour without stop. If you can keep up and understand why, then I will be your friend forever. If you reciprocate, I will love you and never stop. If I cut you out, I just don't want you to see that you hurt me. I don't like being vulnerable. Probably something from my youth. Being a kid and told that I'm too sensitive. Or yelled at to stop crying because they didn't want to hear it or deal with my emotions. Probably because they didn't understand me so they couldn't guide me. So I learned to deal with it how I could. By shutting down until I am alone. Safe. Until I can sort through my feelings without getting yelled at or belittled for having feelings. It makes other people think I am cold. Distant. That I don't have deep feelings. When, really, I am just really good at shutting down. I am really good at compartmentalizing so that I can let it out later, when I am safe again.
Does that mean that I don't find you safe? Perhaps. It may not be your fault at all. Maybe I just haven't gotten there yet. Maybe I just don't know you that well yet. Maybe I don't want to burden you with how I feel. Because, once I start, I will let out a lot. I don't always articulate myself well with words, so it will come out as a stream of things that may not be related on the surface.
If you're lucky enough to be the one I let comfort me, then I will never stop loving you. I may need to put up a wall to save myself later on. I may disappear. But, the love is there forever. It's the curse of being me. I have a lot of love. A lot of patience. A lot of time. For people who no never deserved it at all. My capacity grows and I remain. Always here to help. But, never at the cost of myself.
Comments
Post a Comment