The Moment

I realized that it didn't matter. I had forgotten. I had periods of time where I forgot about you. Not just because my life asked me to be present and I had no other choice. Not because I forced myself to be where I did not feel like being. Because, I was persistent, I wanted to be rid of that feeling. I wanted to start over. And over. And over again. I wanted to feel like the moment would come some day. The one where I don't hate. When I don't have anything but happiness for you. The day that I can accept, you don't want me, but it doesn't matter. Because, I don't want you. I didn't realize it until today. I was doing a meaningless task at work. My head was floating, as it tends to do. I was thinking, as I tend to do. I thought, it doesn't matter because I deserve better. I should have been the one to leave. I should have said so right away. It would have been easy to do at that time. In the beginning. When I realized you didn't want more from me. I should have said okay and let you fade away. Just like others who have come after you. Let's just be friends became my mantra and I should have let you fade away. We would have run into each other, sure. The universe has a funny way of doing just that. 

Even now, I'm sure I'll see you again, someday. When or how or what year... I cannot say. But, I imagine it'll be at the time when we both need to see each other. I keep thinking about what it would feel like for you to see me now. How I would react. I played it over and over and over again. It changed with new people by my side. The first few times I imagined it, I was alone and I hid. I cried. I was not able to do anything but act weird and look like a lunatic. Even in my fantasy play in my mind, I know how I am. I know what I would do. I try to keep it realistic. I could play a different tune. One where it all made sense and we ended up together. But, it wouldn't matter. It's not real. It's not even worth thinking about. Not now, anyways. I suppose it never really was, truly. This last time though, after several men by my side, I pictured no one. Just me. I smiled. I let you lead the way. Would we be strangers again? Would you look at me like you did two years ago? When you locked eyes with me and we both realized we knew each other but also felt strange about it. Like it was incredibly intimate. Like we knew each other better than we did. Like we had met before. Because we had. Several times. Maybe more than we realize. I would wait and see if you would open your arms. I figured at least one arm would swoop in. Maybe both. At the least, you would nod at me. I thought a few times about calling you that word that you use to describe dickheads you don't like. To say, 'what's up' to you like that. I imagine the face you would make. The one you make when you are surprised, taken aback at the strangeness. The face that means you are astonished by the audacity. The one you try to play off, but I see it. You are very charming and smooth at times. Right after you make that face is when it lights on fire. I want to see you make that face at someone else. Not at me. So I imagined that we would nod at the very least. That maybe you'd say, "whats up" and we would move on. Go back to our lives like we had before we met again and again and again. Because, it doesn't matter. I need more than you ever were willing to give me. You knew it more than I was willing to admit. Eventually, we both got there. 

I thought about the last guy I slept with- how it was so much easier to let him fade away. I didn't want him to, but I knew it was the best choice. He didn't want more. I felt as though I was still trying to get to know him when I saw the things I would have normally glossed over. I was grateful to see him for what he was and to accept that it didn't have anything to do with me. I wonder if he slept with anyone before me. He said it wasn't a big number. I wonder if the number was less than I had imagined. It didn't bother me, because I thought he was sweet at the time. But, I'm not looking for that. I don't need puppy love. I noticed that he wasn't contacting me as much. Or at all. It was startling at first, but I noticed. I realized when you backed off, too. When it was so sudden that you didn't answer my call. When days passed and you still hadn't returned my call. When I realized, that was the end. I was just waiting for you to return my call to tell me it was over. I wish I didn't know these things sometimes. Does it make it hurt any less? I am listening to it more. Paying attention and letting that feeling guide me. My intuition. Rather than think it must be me imagining a demise, I embrace it. I realize, yes, this makes sense. That one day that I called you out of the blue. I just felt strongly for you that morning and I called. I didn't think you would answer so I had to call you back later, when I had time to catch up. We talked for hours on the phone. Then, we never talked again. I guess that still stings. Knowing we never talked again after that. I tried to reach out a few times. You would respond. And then you wouldn't. And then I just unfriended you just so I wouldn't be hurt by that pain. The one I just felt. That sting. Knowing that you felt it was over before I realized it was and I didn't have the guts to say so. The one that I kept feeling even after you warned me not to. The one where I will always feel it. The feeling where the lump in my throat remains. The part of you that I don't ever get to swallow. The ghost that quietly, gently, swept through my world, never to be heard from again. 

Sometimes I think of writing people letters. People that I let fade away. I want to reach out and say something. To tell them I still care. Even though I had to let them go because they were hurting me. I was past that point in my growth and they weren't there yet and I don't know how my presence would make that happen more. So I had to leave, to let that be the lesson to push them further. If they were going to see it, it would be without me. 

There.

That's when I realized. I don't need to mail a cheap take away container for $10. I don't need to write him a letter. He wanted me to let him go. So I did. I thought about sending back a torn shirt and a sweatshirt that I didn't think I was keeping for more than one chilly morning. After a nice breakfast where I opened up more about how I felt about my family turning his back on me. About losing a lot over ego. About how that ego was mirrored. About how I couldn't stop myself from self-destructing because I wasn't strong enough to quit. I wasn't able to get the words out correctly. I wasn't able to tell you how I felt. What it all meant. I shouldn't have talked to you about it. It came out a series of word vomit that I couldn't take back and it just sounded like I was trying to convince you, when I was trying to convince myself it made sense. I still work it out in my brain, all the things that transpired. I realized too late that he wasn't what he said he was and that I was surrounded on all sides by two men who could ruin me so easily. That I allowed them both to control different parts of me until I was trapped by my own actions. That I caused it all to happen, unbeknownst to me in the big picture. So that in the end, I had to admit. Yes. I said those things. I did those things. I don't regret saying or doing them so much as I wish I had the maturity to be the one to quit. To realize, this isn't right, and to fade away. All along you had been looking for a way to be strong and get out. Somehow I ended up pulling you back in. I just wanted you to stay. I didn't beg. I didn't ask. I just said I wish it was different. You kept saying it was bad timing. I felt like it was perfect timing. You just were never meant to stay in my life, even though I wanted you to. Very much. Even though I still want you here, I'm glad you faded away. It taught me a lot. I realized what I needed to do when it came time. How to be kind and let someone go. To gently let someone know that it's not working. 

But, I made it clear. I apologized for not being myself. For letting you fade away. I should have thanked you for being there at all. I think I probably did at some point. So, I wrote you a letter. I told you I'm here. That I care. I wrote it admitting to myself that I will never hear from you. I didn't do it for a reaction. I didn't do it to hear from you. Just for you to know that someone out there does care. I know lots of people who do. A lot of them are my family. Either way, now I have begun practicing letting people fade away. I don't stop caring. I don't stop loving them. I just do it from a distance. I do it without them knowing so. But, I couldn't go on the rest of my life thinking I never told you that I care. Even after all this time. Even after months of letting go. I care. I just needed it to be clear. I don't know what is fated for me, but being a kind person is a goal.

Since I care, I realized, I want the best for you. I want you to meet someone that makes you happy. That's why I unfriended you. I saw someone's hand on your lap in a group photo and I unfriended you. I couldn't stand the thought of someone else's hand where mine once was. You looked like you were trying to carefully peel it away like it was about to explode shit on you. I don't know the context. At the time, I cried. I felt like my stomach was punched and the wind was knocked out of me. I cried and unfriended you. That's not a healthy place to be, so I tried to move on from it. I can't say what would happen if I were to see you again. I sort of hope it's not for many years. I don't think I'm ready for that pain right now. If a fucking photo does that to me, I can't imagine what it would be like to see you. At least I'm not mad anymore. I just struggle thinking that I needed to work on things that I didn't realize until it was too late. That I was a shitty person trying my best and you still saw that I sucked and decided I wasn't worth the trouble. And, I must have actually been there for you to fade away. So, you deserve someone who is what you want. Who is there, however you want them to be. Or, whatever. I don't give a fuck, whoever wants to fuck you I guess. Go get that person. Or maybe you already have them. I don't know. My point is that I care about you enough to let go of caring about you. To let go of the assumption that you will come back. Or that we will meet again and again and again. Even though I really think we will see each other again, I know at some point, we will be strangers again. And that's what we both wanted. 

You never defined my self worth. You helped me find it. You never played the games of people before you. Or after. You helped me grow. Thank you so much for that. This is why I still care about you. I did all my growing on my own, but you gently showed me what I needed to work on. I can't say that I handled it the best all the time, but mostly. The best thing I can do, is to realize these moments. To see them. Accept them. And move forward from there. To know, that even though people are unkind, I can still be kind. To know, that even if I'm not perfect, I can do my best and understand not everyone loves peaches. I can still be a ripe, juicy peach. 

P.S. Lots of people love peaches. That doesn't always mean I want to be eaten by them.