Hey You

Why would I want to go and do a thing like that?

I echoed the words in my mind, not able to verbally say. I hadn't completed the thought. Why did I want to get to know you? I had thought it maybe was because I needed to... Because, what is the point of meeting someone if I don't try to figure you out? How can I understand someone and where they are coming from if I don't ask questions? You asked me twice. I almost answered honestly the first time. It was a vulnerable moment, you were inside me. I thought about the words before they surfaced. Because, I want to feel something. I want to feel like this isn't a waste of my time. But, I said nothing. I knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere from the beginning. I figured you out before we even met. I knew what you wanted. You said you wanted more. You lied. I knew you were lying. I let it be anyways. I made it clear there was an out. Be honest and you could have avoided me trying to get to know you. Because, I would have just shut myself off emotionally from trying to feel. Instead, I was left in limbo. I don't like this space. Where it feels like I am waiting for you to reject me. When, I already have decided how I feel about you. But, that wasn't what I meant when I said I was still getting to know you. I meant how your body moves with mine. 

I had changed my mind. I was going to cancel. Take the kids for a hike instead. I already had their bathing suits packed. Snacks. Water. I could have just ignored you. Just let your words become wind. Let it float away until I forget about you almost entirely... Which for me isn't really forgetting at all. But, you wouldn't know that. They wouldn't know the difference either. The fun was to be had either way. It gave me anxiety to treat you that way. I talked it out with someone. They offered a male perspective that I hadn't considered before. Girl, he's exhausted. He just needs someone. I changed my mind. I understand that feeling. Burning the candle at both ends, time ever ticking on, when all you need is a good orgasm and some deep sleep. I wanted to help. You never bothered to try to get to know me more. That's not on me. You chose to turn your head at all the things that make me wonderful and lovely. To ignore the things that make me human. You just needed someone to hold you. Make you feel safe. Turn off your brain by igniting your fire. Help you fall asleep and deeply. I like to do it. My toxic trait is that I like to be whatever someone wants in temporary. Then I remember I exist, too. Then it pains me to know that I have allowed someone to use me in that way. I find it hard to balance feeling empty and pleased. I've been conditioned. 

I went over the emotions. The feeling. The way you smell. The smell of burnt Black Locust, strong in my hair. At a certain point, I was feeling melancholy. Knowing that the words that came out of your mouth were soothing to others, but pond scum to me. I should not have spent any amount of time wondering if there was more to what I had already gathered. I laughed at your words. The ones that I had heard earlier in the day from other lips. The prediction that became reality. They are occupied, wanna go fuck? I was glad I already had the insight. It hurt less to be proven correct after hearing it out loud already. That way, my scoff was still genuine and wasn't outright hatred instead. And yet...

I still let it be what you wanted. I still held on to the thought that it was going to be on your terms. I have been conditioned to allow others to take my sparkle. To use it how they want. To satisfy the carnal cravings that come up, whether from me or otherwise. I've been here before. But, I know more now. I understand myself better. I understand that it will take time to reverse the conditioning. Seeing that it is there is the first step. Not allowing it to happen again and again is the hardest part. Because, I get comfortable. I forget that people use. That I am not a victim. I am a warrior.

Do you even know what I am going through right now? Admittedly, I did not. It was rare to know. She boxed her secrets deep inside the folds of her belly, holding onto them for dear life. No one was safe from the side comments, don't say anything... I don't want them to know. I could feel her energy when she came into the room. Like a champagne bottle ready to burst. I was unable to compartmentalize these things. I had already relaxed myself. I had already gave my energy to someone else. I had thought I was doing the right thing. I couldn't explain whether I felt like I made the wrong choice or not.. Giving my patience and soothing energy to a stranger. One I knew would never contact me again. One that I had to contact. I left something behind. It's the first rule of dating. Don't leave your shit behind. Was there a hint of possibility that I had read him wrong entirely? Exhausted, processing, feeling quite stupid, I was truthful. I need a little time to think and I am having trouble holding onto thoughts. It made no matter. She was picking a fight. I could tell. I didn't want to play this game. I walked away as much as possible. Said sorry. I ducked my head down low and avoided eye contact. Like a dog who has chewed her favorite shoe. I know that I did something wrong, but I can't place what it is at the moment. Predictably, she kept picking. Finally, I made it clear. Be an adult. Say what's on your mind. Be honest. I would prefer this to be kind but I knew it wouldn't be. She started screaming and I desperately pleaded, that I was doing my best. That I was trying. That I was sorry. I heard words echoing through my mind in several voices. You always throw everything I do back in my face! Nothing I ever do is good enough! If you don't like what I do then I'm not helping you anymore. Conditions. I pulled out my words like a blunt blade. I had thought my warnings were enough. That the hand on the blade was precautionary. Don't make me wield this... It was met with more yelling. More pushing. One more nudge...

Do you even realize how toxic you are with that shit? Someone else's words and my own, echoed together, responding to each other, pointing the blame. It had finally had a home. One that felt so incredibly right, that I was astonished by the fit. I said my piece, it didn't matter. She didn't hear me. She didn't hear me mention that everything is conditional with her. I can't disagree with her. Or she will make sure that I lose something. I stopped yelling as it was just hot air, lost to the ether. She kept going. She burst out of the bottle, the top cracking my heart. I listened and couldn't help but think, you shouldn't be telling me this. It's not my fault that bad things happened to you. That wasn't me. I didn't hurt you. You don't get to hurt me because you got hurt. I'm your daughter. I love you. You shouldn't blow up at me. You shouldn't talk to me this way. You never understood why I told you I didn't want your help anymore. Because it feels like a way for you to control me. It always feels like I owe you a debt, one I'll never understand how to pay. All just like that. I tried to hug her and she backed away from me. She screamed at me don't touch me! I remember saying that before. Feeling scared. Angry. All the hatred built inside. I said sorry and sat down quietly. I started to cry. I just wanted to help. I can't help her. No matter what I do. She will never understand. Because she doesn't think she does anything wrong. She thinks that she is allowed to bulldoze me. To tell me she doesn't like my taste. That she wouldn't ever have made that choice, but good for you. My world started to crash down. I had realized the thing that I needed to dig into. The part of my past that I hadn't wanted to consider. That both my parents used me as an emotional dumping ground. It made perfect sense suddenly. My ex husband. My best friend. My mother. They all have the same thing in common... My way or the highway. I was passive enough to let them push me along. I thought that how they treated me was love. 

I didn't understand love at all. 

What I know now... is that I deserve more. Better treatment. Without conditions. 

I was slapping. Hitting, punching. He was laughing. This child was laughing at me! How dare he! I slapped and he faced me. Turned his head forward and laughed at me. "Is that all you got?" I felt as though my hands and arms were made of rubber. Maybe it was doing some damage but the air was thick. I couldn't get through. I was on my back again. Unsure of how I keep finding my way like this. It felt strange. I wasn't home. I wasn't alone. His arm wrapped around me. Strange dreams. I asked him to tell me. He hesitated. I don't remember them. I just know they were intense. I made a face, forgetting what I had dreamt. I wonder now if he had heard or seen me thrashing. Did the energy in the room somehow make a hot soup of desperate dreams... I couldn't help but see his face. Watch him sleep. I know it was just for him. I comforted his head. Gently let my fingertips find his scalp. There was a mesmerizing effect on us both. Tapping into the energy that gets put out into the universe. Finding the spot that relaxed him the most. Feeling the soft skin around his eyes, that just needed the lightest of touching. His blonde locks feeling not quite soft nor rough. Classic hair of an Eastern European descendant. Ever stoic and unyielding. I was calmed by his slumber. He was quiet and serene. His head tucked in my lap, turning into me towards the warm sun, revealing blue veins beneath pale skin. I turned away. I smiled. I felt as though I was cheating myself by studying his face too much. This wasn't for me. I don't need to know the freckle in his ear. I only need to calm the chaos in his mind. To help relieve the stress from all that he keeps inside. I saw his vulnerability and I liked it. I felt calmed by his presence, though, for naught. I'm always aware of my blandness when I am getting to know someone. That I quiet down and let them reveal themselves. It can be almost unnerving when someone returns the favor. To give space for me, perhaps is conditional. To allow me to fill up space in your world is a way for you to disconnect. To feel like you have something you once lost. I understand. I wish I didn't relate as much as I am glad I do. 

The water had turned blue but warmed me to my bones. I played with the tiny bubbles, moving them across my thigh. They formed shapes and faces. I needed water. Something to soothe my troubled soul. Hot, sweet, and salty. Something to fill my cup back up. I glanced up at the candle I had picked out last year. The black one with the constellation Virgo. I feel at odds with my parents. Both Virgos. I feel the tables have turned for me. This game has gotten much more interesting. Because, I learned the rules while they squabble over minor details. I used to think I wasn't playing along. That it wasn't something I wanted to do. But, I have come to realize, that it doesn't matter if I want to play or not. I am in the match for life. Therefore, I must leave what I must, heal when I can, and avoid silly distractions. My end goal is long off and I don't need anyone getting in my way. I don't need a man. 

I deserve a partner. Someone who will meet me in the middle. A man who opens his arms and allows me to sob when I have a bad day. Who draws me a bath and wraps me in a warm towel. A man who holds me all night because that is exactly what I need, and he would be willing to reciprocate that because he knows what I need, just as I know what he needs. I have fallen into too many traps where I offer and give my love out to people. I believe that everyone deserves to be loved properly. However, it's not my job.