Nocturnal Me

Flutters. 

         The edge of anxiety.

                                    Today I feel different. 

Today, I wanted to be the fire. The heat that brews the storm. That melts the mountain. It turns to pure white- reflective and calm. The water in path that flows, waiting to climb up the edge, spraying mist to remind you that you have no choice. It will always be here. Burning. Bubbling, babbling. A liquid lava pit that can turn to stone suddenly. The flame that consumes, leaving the soft black ash to frolic in the breeze.

I am the cusp. Of fire and water. The perpetual scorch, blackened. The minerals returning with dew. Feeling freshly alive with saved energy. You are the cusp. The air and earth. The balance of virtue and wisdom. The cold air cutting through night, reminding us all that there is a time to be silent. I see the roots growing dark, deep indigo. Flowing first like magenta. It grows and you make comment of the weirdness before trying to brush it off as nothing at all. It rises from your heel, up your achilles, flowing like a river, seeping into cracks behind your calf. 

I choose the earth. The wood that grows up from the ground. Roots that have been marrying deep below. The nutrients gathered for centuries, cut down suddenly and hand carved. The burnt wood. Picked and stained with craft. The illusion of bone and sand. Dirt and stone. The decay of flesh to liquefaction. Turning the dead into fuel that will burn, until there's nothing left. The musk of deep honey with grit, smooth and cloying.

With each sip, bitter with sweet, there's a space where I pay more attention. I wait patiently for my chance to devour the words. Look at both sides. It makes me think briefly. Of the parts that I cannot change. The ones I can. The way my brain has been rewired. Some things shoot like lightning and others are obscured. I forget sometimes. Healing makes you forget. Then you remember that sometimes, there's a spark. Something is triggered. Enlightened. Ignited. Then you feel what you feel. You see what you see. Remember how you remember. Every hurt is a lesson, and every lesson makes you better. 

Rekindle begins when you release the brake; restart. I feel the edge. The rumble of the fire. The excitement of something waiting for me. It's not far. I just have to let go. I just have to allow it to happen. Don't resist. Let the waves carry you onward. Lead you where you go. The road leads where it's led. 

I don't need to search. It's clear. It's right in front of me. Just as it always has been. There was so much other noise around me that I did not understand it. I am the hot air that rises, the heaven to icy ground. The new beginning. Kore to the earth that waits patiently, frozen, alluring the feelings of renewal and spring. Waiting for the sign that life will be calmed once again. That the snow will fall on the desert. 

I am reminded. Put in a place to recall. Again. And again. And again. Take me internally. The words crack like a whip. Stinging my skin, sending tingles down the back of my thighs. Forever yours nocturnal me. This is where you find me. Inside the dark parts. The deep purple eye that watches and casts judgements. It always knows. It knows from experience. It can feel you up and down, see you while I slumber. It catches your soul in passing, reminding me. 

I am carved by experience. By trauma and storms. Weathered into the body I inhabit today. The one that flows with red, hot blood. Giving off fire the more I stand still. I need to move, so I do. I take my fire and it vents slowly. If I stay for too long, I am engulfed in the fire. Burn it all down, I say. Let yourself become the phoenix that rises from the pit. The birth of a fresh start. Alas, you don't. I know you don't. You keep moving. Wanting to feel the change physically. Not understanding the mentality. The bond that your brain has made with your surroundings. Don't get too comfortable. Because, nothing is permanent. No one lasts forever. You know that feeling with abandon. With it comes the pain of it always being fresh, never healed. You need to experience more fire before you can hibernate. Because. 

You know nothing.