Smoothing out a shadow that shades the pain. The ones that hide deep down, waiting to be coaxed out. I wonder if you notice how often you give clues to what you hide inside. The thing that I noticed almost immediately. I wasn't sure how to approach it. I still don't. It's not my place to ask. Confirm. Wonder. It's for you to decide. There's an itch that cannot be scratched by me and I want to know what gives you permission to let me be the shield to your pain. I don't need to be involved at all, actually. A status for you that makes you feel secure. One that solidifies what persona you have created for yourself. When you ask for the hardest mountain to climb remember that there is a softer way for you instead. Breathe into the subtle and listen to what you find inside of yourself. I will hold your hand, but it's not yours to keep and I am not sure you understand that at the moment. This path is not mine to take.
It's just the type. The ones who are the most pained, the most quiet about it. The ones who think that their pleasure should be the end of it. I hate that. When it's over for me, I keep going. I find pleasure in knowing you need more time. That I can help you get that feeling. That release. It makes me bored and weary. Always allowing people to fill from my bucket. Petting the sad puppies that come and rest their heads on my lap. Looking up at me with love in their eyes. It makes it harder to say no. That I understand what this is. That it's not what I want. But, only what you need. I sigh over and over about it.
It's all a wash. I have too many things more important to worry about than sad puppies right now.
"He was asking what your full name was so he could look you up online." She said it like it wasn't creepy at all. Like I should be happy about it. I said, "yeah, I don't have that app." I know he was looking for me, but I didn't want to be found. I want him. Need him. I miss the smell of his skin and the feeling of my fingers making goosebumps on his side, under his soft shirt. But, I don't need him to find me right now. I walk away without another word. With the scent of campfire and lime in my nose. I close my eyes and breathe it in. I let it go, like a fog that lingers and sweeps after me before evaporating entirely. I go back to the table. It's always a long table. Lots of people this time. It's dark. There's a bluegrass band playing with lots of string lights. A woman keeps talking to me. We must be old friends. She raises her mug to do a cheers and I get up and walk to another place. A barrel fire that is surrounded by wood planks stacked up high. A small crowd is gathered to warm their hands and laugh. I don't feel alone, even though I usually do in crowds. I feel like these people are all here to celebrate their life and the camaraderie, to me, feels like it is my family.
That power that I had gained is for me. You didn't want it when I was willing to give it away. I keep feeling like you are waiting. That I will find you in a bad spot. That you are having trouble. Failing. You want to reach out, but you can't. You're embarrassed at your own failings. Scared. Alone. You want me to make it better. I would. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I would peel you off the porch. Take you inside. Bathe you. Let your head fall to my chest. Gently touch you until you feel asleep. I would give you space to let it all out. Because I love you. No matter how much it hurts me.
Comments
Post a Comment