I found that after a few years of being free, growing up significantly in the process, that it was time to challenge myself again. I wanted to start living. At first, I was spending all my strength to heal and force myself to "fake it until I make it." I said and did the things I was supposed to because I WANTED to do them. I wanted to be a better person. I saw toxicity and I couldn't unsee it. I wanted to grow. I wanted to practice what I was preaching. I didn't want to wallow in self pity or feel that my trauma was ruling me any longer. I grew because I was done being stagnant.
I began teaching yoga, volunteering with children, and saved up enough money to start college. This is my third try at attempting a career and a degree through college. I had thoroughly messed up the last two times, thinking that I had it all figured out. I was trying to get a degree to move myself forward, but I didn't know where I was headed. I took some of the basics and earned grades good enough to be left in limbo while I figured out what exactly I wanted to do. I tried and tripped and stumbled over my own shit for years. But, now my path was open. I had the opportunities to focus on what I wanted because I was no longer being tied down to anyone's idea of what I should be. I set the tone. I set the pace. I was in charge. This was my time to take advantage of the cleared path.
I took the leap. I had spent a good deal of time a few years earlier figuring out if I wanted to pursue chemistry or biology. I looked at the classes, I looked at what I had already taken. I tried to figure out how many credits I needed to make financial aid work. I even applied for financial aid and I was awarded a large sum. I ended up not enrolling at all. I waited a few more years. I finally had the clear path so I took the opportunity. My job didn't require a whole lot of mental and emotional stress, as my previous job had. It was far less physical as well. I was able to work at my own pace, getting my job done in a few hours most days. A few days a week it took longer, but I didn't mind. I spent the time practicing math. I took every free learning course I could and I watched the videos over and over until it made sense. I moved on when I understood how to work through the problem. I made it all the way up to where I should be, college level algebra. I felt like I was READY. So, on a whim, I opened up the course log and added two classes to summer 2020. This was my time. I signed up for two classes.
I had a wonderful routine. I was practicing yoga 1-3 times a week. I was resting when I needed. I was showing up when I could. I took advantage of an opportunity to enroll and participate in 40 Days to a Personal Revolution as a gift through my volunteer work teaching yoga to children. I was honest on when I was doing the work and when I wasn't. I felt well, happy, present, and confident. I was dating again, putting myself out there and happy with how I was able to be honest with myself while remaining polite when it was not working out. I still was attracting a "certain type" but I kept on trying anyways.
Around the same time, the news was getting more and more grim. A new disease was coming our way. I had grand plans of beginning to remodel my bathroom over vacation and I had counted on day care for chunks of time during the week to work on it. The Friday before my vacation, day care shut down. Stores were closing. People were angry, confused, and hysterical. I was told that my job was considered essential and I was an essential worker. I wasn't sure if I was happy or upset. I was relieved that I would be able to keep my job, my income, my lifestyle that I had just cultivated. I was sad to hear that I would be required to work in the public, that I wouldn't be able to stay away from the threat. I hugged my children and furiously texted their dad back and forth, trying to figure out what it all meant. What I was to do. I needed to figure out how to navigate this awfulness. I felt like the end was close. It was just for a few weeks. Most countries were just quarantining for a month. We could do this. Right?
That spring and summer I had a few weird encounters with men that left me wondering where I was going wrong. I put on my big girl panties and hiked them all the way up. I told men when I didn't want more than friendship. Eventually, I didn't even bother trying to be friends with the men who showed me red flags. I just stopped responding entirely. I started school and I put everything into it that I could. I was forcing myself to stay awake until midnight practicing Spanish and math problems, not sure what I was even retaining. I told someone I was seeing that I couldn't keep being okay with his lack of interest in me sexually. More than ever, when stressed, I just needed solitude when he just wanted to talk at me. I felt triggered. It was like my failed marriage all over again. I'm stretched thin and still find time to listen to a twenty minute rant about music I have no interest in. But, forget it if I want to make out? I told him how I felt exactly and it was a little satisfying to finally hear the truth from him. Or, so what he says. I felt a little betrayed, like I had been lied to. He didn't seem to want what I did out of the relationship. I was ready to be his girlfriend, but I wasn't ready to be celibate. I remember joking around about the conversation in company, but once I was sleeved up and in my hood, I was left to my own thoughts and I cried, silently, doing my work. No one spoke to me. I didn't speak to anyone. I just worked it through my brain. Continued working. Then I moved on. I found strength in realizing that I had the power to say no when it didn't suit me. I had learned that I am allowed to be petty. That I am allowed to be alone rather than compromise with people who don't understand me or fail to see my clearly set boundaries.
By the fall semester, the momentum to keep going was fading. I needed more than one week off in between semesters, but that's all I had. I felt like I was running at 3/4ths capacity, then half, then scraping the bottom. By Thanksgiving, I was feeling overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted. I was desperate for feeling anything other than school stresses, so I managed to allow shitty people to burrow and I gave out my time to people who didn't deserve it. Then, I felt bad about allowing myself to take steps back in my journey. I failed to see the red flags, or I ignored them entirely so I could feel something nice. I was slipping backwards and I knew I needed to keep going up. I began making excuses to not do my homework. I handed in assignments late. I kept going enough to keep my grades except for one class. I ended up dropping out at the last minute. I felt as if I had failed myself. I failed all my progress. I failed to be strong and stand up for what I believe in. I dove into my chemistry homework. I rewatched the video lectures over and over until it sunk in. I spent hours reviewing terms until I handed in all my homework, labs, and my third exam. I started feeling tired and I slowed down. I rested. I took the opportunities when I saw them, to take my time.
I still felt like I was struggling. I found out that I was in contact with someone who had tested positive for COVID and I felt relief that I was able to stay at home, to heal, to rebuild. I took the first week and focused on the kids and resting as much as possible. I was tired. So tired. Was I depressed? Sick? I don't know. But, after about ten days, I felt like I had my energy back. I had my motivation back. I was back on track for eating well. I took care of financial piles, clutter piles, paid bills, filled out paperwork for help, I was back on track. One particular day, my daughter was playing with the wireless keyboard and I hoped the computer was off. I logged on days later, and closed out of all the things she had accidentally opened. Days later, I turned on my printer to scan a document. Something printed, surprising me. I didn't think the computer was on and yet, something was hanging in the air, ready to print. I retrieved it from the printer and it caused me to stop and think. It was a paper I had written almost two years ago for my yoga teacher certification program. I was excited to share this paper and I was also desperately trying to prove myself. I wanted to convince myself that I had things to work on, that I needed to change, and that I wasn't a bad person, despite it all. I read this paper in its entirety and it left me feeling strength where I had forgotten I had any at all.
15 Hours of Reading
15 hours is a surprisingly large amount of reading! I read several books to make up for this time; The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh.
I happened upon The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz through my cousin, who had it passed to him from his friend. I felt as though I usually do when I see some sort of “self-help” book, I took in a large sigh and read the except. It intrigued me that this book would somehow help me be more aware of my personal road blocks. At the time, I was struggling with the idea of staying in a relationship with my husband. I read this while on a road trip to the beach with my best friend, her mother, and her aunt over my six year anniversary to my husband. I felt as though Don Miguel Ruiz’s writing style was sort of distracting as it inspired me but, then would over explain and then I began to lose sight of his point. Oddly enough, reading the front cover flap was just as inspiring as begrudgingly reading the whole book. Throughout the next several months, I began to use his teachings in my daily life more than I thought possible.
Be impeccable with your word
It became pertinent to me to be impeccable with my word. I realized how often I had accidentally said something out of harshness to later discover it was not what I meant, truly. I slowly transitioned into only promising what I could keep and saying only what I intended to be heard. It was frustratingly more apparent to me that I was not in the right place, mentally, and how terribly toxic my relationship to myself and others had become. I fully think this part was the most important piece out of the whole book, for me. As someone who often lets other people influence and guide me more than I am comfortable with, at times, this really struck me as being the number one mantra to remind myself. It is being true to myself in my words that helps me be true to my actions.
Don’t take anything personally
I felt this part was perhaps lost on me for a period of time but, by the time the holidays came around at the end of 2018, I realized what that truly meant. I focused a lot of time and energy on how other people used their words against me. A disagreement stemming from some past hurts between my cousin (who had gave me the book) and I perpetuated an ongoing battle of alpha in the workplace. I was the Team Leader of production for almost a year and no one quite knew what my role entailed. The title was sort of made for me before we brought any other team members on staff. By the end of the year we had added two full time and four part time employees that didn’t realize I was the manager. I was met with a brick wall from my cousin every time I made a choice in the workplace. Over time, this lead to him taking on the role of leader and me taking over his role of Quality Control. I had naturally began to focus on the details of the job and find little mistakes. Our boss made a decision to switch our roles for the new year. I took it very hard. I felt as though I didn’t have a chance to fully blossom into the role and I felt as though both roles were too hard to do together but yet I found myself pushing to do both. After a personal dispute between my cousin and I, while at work, the mediation that occurred with our bosses made it click in me finally. I was taking it personally that my cousin was upset with me. I was taking it personally that our roles were shifting. I was taking everything so personally, I couldn’t see past it to the opportunity that had arisen for me. After a long talk and some hugging it out- I think my cousin and I both realized how much we truly want what is best for each other. Our styles of working together are so very opposite and that caused a rift but, that is not a weight either needs to add to by not being supportive. I then could see all the other aspects of my life where I had seen myself as a victim of taking everything so personally. Then, I started to shift my focus to more important things and remembering that if I don’t take things personally, then I no longer am a victim. Somehow, along the way of my upbringing I had decided I was a small person and acted accordingly but, after realizing that I no longer need to hold onto that assumption of myself I began to realize how strong I really am.
Don’t make Assumptions
I quickly realized how many assumptions I made in my life that had caused unnecessary wedges in my relationships after reading this section. It took a great deal of effort to switch my thinking away from blaming myself or others. I recalled so many times that I had allowed my assumptions about other people get in the way of the truth. I had inadvertently miscommunicated myself in three different ways, all stemming from my past trauma and continuously reflecting that toxicity on myself and others. This thinking wasn’t as challenging to change as the taking things personally section because if I wasn’t internalizing or blaming then I found it hard to make up reasons to be upset with people.
Always Do Your Best
This section was the easiest for me to implement into my life because I already overload my plate regularly. I am always striving to be my best and do my best. Perfectionism is an aspect of my life that I have struggled to balance but, that I do feel I have come to an understanding of at this time.
Overall, the book was inspiring, even if it was frustrating to read for me as well. I wasn’t frustrated with the content so much as how it was written. The information this book has is very important and I very much wanted to read it and implement it. I just feel as though his writing style is geared toward another type of person than I am.
I asked several different friends for advice on finding some philosophy books that could pertain to this assignment and I found the perfect match through a co-worker. He suggested starting in the Buddhist section and threw a few titles at me that he had felt struck him as inspiring reads. I settled on Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh because of the subtext, “The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life.” I really feel that practicing mindfulness has come up so many times in my life in the most helpful way. It’s a deeper understanding of what I already have come to realize. Simplicity is the direct path to happiness. While reading these passages I was reminded of several pivotal points in my life and how the art of mindfulness had been a gentle hand hold to guide me onto the right path.
Part one was all about connecting your breath to everything. To be in the moment, stay present, understand and appreciate all of the things the world has to offer. There’s a part about seeing beauty and also being reminded of garbage because we need both to be in this world. Without the garbage, we can’t truly appreciate the beautiful things in life. But, also, not forget that there is beauty in garbage as well. I keep thinking about my one week going vegan and your words to me. You were sort of being pushy to me about being a witness to animal slaughter and how I need to see it. It’s just part of the understanding of being alive, knowing that some don’t have the same honor. I recall at the time I had some excuses, to which I knew what they were after I spoke them, and only days later I was myself a witness, accidentally. My best friend lives next to a deli where they slaughter animals. He walked me out to my car early in the morning, where I parked in the shared parking lot, and heard animals screaming. I cried on my way to work, wondering how you or Lindsey go out of your way to hear it often. Sometimes, I hear it in his apartment laying awake a few hours before my alarm, the truck drives up and I see the brake lights in his bedroom. I heard it the morning of Valentine’s Day and I put my hand on my heart, thankful that I got an extra day because some of us did not. This section really resonated with me as a reminder that every breath I take, or that anyone takes, is to be cherished. Not just the ones that are louder because I’m exercising and not just the ones because I heard a pig taking his last, all of the breaths are important. They keep us all alive.
Part two talked about transformation and healing. He talks about a hypothetical son who hears his father scream at him every time he trips and falls. The son vows to never be like his father but finds himself screaming at his sister as she falls. This cut me so deeply because of my own experiences with my ex-husband and my son. I knew before we had children together of his past trauma with his father and I watched him project it on our son. The cycle of anger that had continued to turn even after recognizing that it exists in my own life, right in front of my own eyes. I find it interesting that in other yoga practices I have attended that it is all about letting go, and removing things. Being mindful and practicing mindfulness is more about acknowledging your anger, giving it the name, and then transforming it into healing rather than throwing it out or at someone else. I found that to resonate so well with my own transformation as of late. Without seeing the issues, naming them, and then finding compassion, I will never hope to move forward in my thinking.
Peace Is Every Step was so very thought provoking and inspiring to me and really tied in most of the philosophical aspects of what I have learned with my time at Yoga Sanctuary School. I was holding onto a lot of grief at the start of school and although I am not nearly done with my transformation, I do feel a lot of the work as been solidified by these important themes. Being compassionate to myself and all other beings while allowing the best intentions to step to the foreground has lead me to be more mindful and therefore, happier overall. I had not realized all of the trauma that I thought I needed to let go of during this last six months but, I am so glad I instead transformed it into compassion and understanding for myself and others. Finding alignment in my mind as well as my body has connected all of these themes together. I realized that all of the space I take up inside and outside of my body is connected with everyone’s space and I cannot truly practice mindfulness without acknowledging both the beauty and garbage that surround us all.
[end]
What a beautiful reminder. There are days that I will wake up and I'll be overwhelmed. Stressed. Tired. Sexualized. But, those garbage days are there to remind me of the days when I wake up feeling motivated, calm, well rested, and strong.
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