Iron & Wine

 Call me simple.

Chocolate, wine, bread, cheese. I'm not sure I need a whole lot else. I look up at the ceiling, nibbling a tag-a-long. A girl scout treat. Peanut butter cookie dipped in chocolate. Easy Peasy. Lemon. Squeezy. The whole bottle down, and I look up at the popcorn on the ceiling. This is where I thrive. Life's indulgences, peaking at the same moment. Offering unsolicited advice, savoring my vices. I wonder if that is all life really is. Just a series of indulgences. Cherishing the softer, lovelier moments until there are none. 

I go about my day in stages, wondering if connecting to people outside my own head is a sin or a saint. I attempt and fail so often, I don't even care anymore. I tell people I think they are cute. You are adorable, I coo. I don't even flush anymore. It used to be a thing, where I heard whom I had a crush on, even though I did NOT, because the simple act of trying to be a person was enough to set me off. The true heroes out there are the ones who see me struggling, red faced, and thank me anyways. They move on. They realize how difficult it is to be human sometimes. Just because I adore you, doesn't mean I want to bed you. I just get excited to think that you are so adorable, someone would, though, ironically, red faced and all, not me.

I pull out pieces of me. Parts that not everyone sees. They aren't a secret, but not many probe. I smile and think of the relations that draw me to others. The factors that stick in their minds as much as my own. I want to do things. 

I'm inspired.

I am, possibly, encroaching on a crush that is not bad, until it is. I want to know more. I wonder if he will ever let me know that it is time for bed. Or that he is busy. Or it will forever be a quandary on whether he is actually interested or not. He's bored and off to sleep. Or talking to someone else, who knows? I'm not sure I care yet, but that is the story, as it goes, isn't it? I trust that he is a gentle soul. I am already on a tangent. Thinking of all the ways that our paths intertwine. We are cute together, in my mind, in case he wondered, and I am hopeful that it happens this way. Maybe we will travel to interesting, to us, places and kiss cutely under waterfalls. I think sometimes the fantasy is more fun than the actual events, but somehow this feels opposite. I feel as though the fantasy isn't portraying all that is factual. The events to come will only show what is true. I suppose.

I am nervous. But that is the spice of my life. Being me and "under-nerved" is sort of a conundrum in itself, isn't it? I'll never know until I get there. I'll know how I feel, then. I will be able to tell you when I feel your skin.

Hugs are strange nowadays. I used to revel in hugs. I never instigated, but always adored when people hugged me. I always felt a bit like I was awarded something special when given a hug. You have been crowned with the honor of knowing my presence by way of our chests touching awkwardly in an embrace. You're welcome, madam. Okay, so that is how you feel. I got a better sense of some people by touching them in that way. It's incredibly intimate and I find that people who are so candidly "huggers" by nature, they tend to be... translucent. They appeared to be warm and inviting, but maybe were just covering up parts of themselves that they don't, and certainly would't admit, are not as soft as they appear. Stubborn or dimwitted or ignorant to their own simplicity. Either way. I've never been a hugger. I'm 100% cynical. And if I hug someone... It's because I am okay touching my breasts to chest. I've already gone through the drill if I wanted to do more or not. I've already established my feelings about them. Usually. Some people take me off guard. If I instigate a hug, I like you. Do I want you? Well. That isn't the telling cue. But, it's a more indicating factor.

Sometimes, obligation in social cues has me wondering, HOW exactly, do you find a way out of messes and into a rainbow of possibilities instead? But, I suppose, that happens, when the stars align and you happened upon some terrible and interesting people in the same moment in time. 

I hope we meet again. Again. And again.