Clouds of things bump into each other. Some say things, some just feel like they did. They bounce around and I say, yes or no. Is this important? Do I have time to remember? Do I believe myself or not? They bop around and I keep walking. Letting them hang. Creating a space I can't wrap my head around. I let them drag behind, wondering how long until I remember something that makes them blow away. Sometimes I had people who would shoo them away. I don't know how they knew whether or not they were important. Whether or not I should listen.
I distract myself, time and time again. Getting closer and farther from the truth. I don't know. I don't know. I'm still thinking and sorting. There's some things that ring true, some that don't. Somethings about you are not good, but I don't mind them. You remind me of someone. I feel like those thoughts flood back easily. I wonder how this will go. What is it that you want from me? Sometimes I think I know and other times I remember, that it still doesn't matter. This is just a thing I'm doing right now. It's just a feeling right now.
I can't tell if you like me or just the idea of me. Maybe you were just lonely, too. I guess that is the process of sorting thoughts sometimes. I was feeling some kind of way. I feel like I don't know if you hurt it or helped it. Some ways yes. Some no.
I think you smell primal at times, and it's a weird turn on, did you ever feel like a bad smell can sometimes be good? I am not offended, but I don't know why I'm not. I like your laugh and smile. And your body is really cute. I want to touch you and I keep holding back because I don't know if you want me to. At some point I might have forgotten. I guess I also feel like I want to be touched like that, too. I lingered. I lingered. I should have gotten up right away. I thought maybe you needed to feel me next to you for a little longer. So I dozed, too. I dreamt and dreamt. I forgot all my dreams. I was just left with the feelings. They weren't bad. They were okay. But, then I lingered and I wasn't sure you wanted me to. I got up a few times. Waiting. I finally just sort of got up in annoyance. I should have just left earlier. Been at work earlier. Gotten things done. Now I have to make up that time. There's an hour lost. Waiting for you to let me know if I could jump on top of you or not. I guess it was a not. I sometimes close the door. I close off and I linger, still. It's confusing. You just stood there, without letting me know what you were feeling either. You are really cute. I wanted to stare. To look at you. You were out there on display. Waiting for me to... what? Leave? Why did you send me three messages right after I left? After I lingered for an hour. Waiting for you to say something. Do something.
I can't figure out myself. I don't know why I try to figure out other people. My thoughts get in the way. And I don't know what I'm doing. What I'm feeling. I don't know why I lingered. I guess I was hoping you were going to prove me wrong. That my thoughts on the whole thing are just that I don't know what I want from you because I never know what I want from anyone. I keep my heart in a little black box and I don't let anyone in anymore. Because, it still stings to think about the times that I did let someone else in, and I just get so hurt. Even when I don't let anyone in, it hurts, but at least its not as devastating.
I think and think and think and I never have the answers. I never know what to think. I haven't finished figuring out whether I can predict it will be more or not. Do I even care? I told myself to just enjoy it. But then I look over at you and I just want to wrap my legs around your hips, and then I forget what you were even saying and then I wonder why I bother with anything. I sit there like a mouse. Trying to figure out if there is a cat nearby. Should I just keep eating my cheese or what?
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