Every time it comes up. It bubbles out like a bad dream. I am me and I am whole and suddenly there are gaps. Lapses in time where I thought that I knew I was solid, suddenly I am aware of how absent I am. There are holes in time. Places where there should be pieces of me and there are none. I have been stripped away. I can never know when they happen. They just do. It's like every moment that was taken from me comes back to haunt me each year. The spirit is alive with a hollow sadness that dampens my being. Each time, I cannot predict what it shall be. It just appears and I retreat. Okay. I say. I should have guessed this time. Sometimes I am angry. Or sad. I am just lonely this time. I want comforts. I know better. I know what they lead to. It's another hole. Another emptiness that cannot be filled. A void in which I do not stand a chance in having color today.
Someone said they wanted to take a chance on me. They gave me their number. I had already known what the conversation would lead to. I saw what he had hidden behind the mirror. I did not like it. I just simply chose not to reply. I wonder how direct my actions are that they become me. I had people not reply to me. I had not replied to people. It was a weird cyclical tornado of destruction. Another way for a hollow hole to leave a stray of bits. No thanks. I just wanted. I did. I just wanted comfort. Specifically, to feel normal.
I struggled. I struggle. I just feel like what do I not see? I judge myself harshly so that I can see the shadows. So that I can bring light and seek answers. So I can say, I did this to myself. Then, maybe I can carry on. Maybe I'll figure it all out one day. I just feel so close. So fucking close. Its on the tip of my tongue and it's bitter. I hate bitter. I just want sweet. How can I love the sweet and deny the bitter? I must embrace the garbage before I can love the treasure.
I turn away. I look down. I smile and carry on. He heard it. I was just trying to get through the day. I was just trying to stay warm. I did what I could to survive. I wasn't seeking anything else. Just to live. He heard it. He asked me. I was startled. He saw me. He heard what I did not say and he called me out on it. It's been awhile since I met another. One that is mature and doesn't have an agenda. I felt raw and stripped, but I wasn't offended. It was an observation. Just a way of communication. He heard what I didn't say and he clarified. He cleared the air. Brushed off the soap box and said, go on. But, I know he was a stranger. I signed on the dotted line. I thought about it later. I wanted to tell him to pursue me, if he wanted. But, he was gone. Much like anyone I feel truly understands me. They see the holes. They hear the hollow. Then they are gone. Like the wind, you feel it's ice, but you cannot see it. You cannot hold it.
I need something easy. Something passionate, but not so much that it distracts me. Just enough for me to keep going. Some steady flame to keep me moving on. Or don't tease me at all. I'll continue huddling in one corner of my bed. Surrounded like a sarcophagus with pillows. A warm tomb to live until it is time to thaw. Until I can be outside without layers.
I feel the same.
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