Waltz #2

 I kept calling him. I whispered for him. I searched room to room. My charm erupted with each new doorway. Waiting while the clouds settled, until I could see if he was there. I kept on going. I would catch a glimpse. I would say his name and wait. I would pass by and whisper to him, "I want you." He would turn away and duck under a new threshold. Keeping just out of sight. Others in the rooms caught my attention. Asked me things. Looked like people I knew and trusted. I indulged a few times, to continue on. I finally caught him. He was here. I tried talking to him. I told him, "I want you." He dismissed me. This was a dream. There was no way for me to really feel him. He wasn't really here. 

Then I saw her. She was crying. I came to her. I hugged her. I asked her how she was, I didn't wait for an answer before telling her I loved her, I missed her. I wanted her to be happy. She looked up at me with the saddest eyes. Her belly pushing me backwards. Her face was sunken. Her eyes hollow. Her face warm and pink with tears, but her face was bruised, caved in. Like a cartoon or a barbie. I asked her to tell me and she had excuses. She told me that it was her fault, that it really was her fault this time, and there was nothing to worry about, and everything was okay. I could see the blue around the edges, the greens, all the signs of abuse. I spoke to her quietly, sweety, gently. She let me touch her face without wincing. She didn't know I could see her pain. She didn't know I could read it like a book, page by page, I had the playback at my disposal. I told her what she needed to hear. How wonderful, beautiful, significant she was and how her body was growing another inside. A sweet and kind spirit to roam the earth. She has been broken before, she is broken again, she cannot allow it to happen a third time. Now she must fight for the one she grows, because who else will? Will he? He clearly can't take care of nice things. She cried. I wiped them away and I kissed her lightly on the forehead. It will be okay. I will love you anyways.

I had caught him. He was sleeping. So soundly. So warm. So cozy. I dipped under the blankets. A grey blue and thin washed fleece that was still soft but had depleted. I heard him behind us. He was just on his computer. He was chattering incessantly. To no one in particular. I barely responded and eventually, he realized you were asleep and mumbled only a few more times to himself. I spread my legs over your hips, grabbed the blankets over my shoulders and covered us both up. I kissed his neck. The soft skin that I like below his ear. He moved his hands so gently, I only noticed because it felt real. "This is real." I said it softly in his ear and he moaned near inaudibly. I felt him growing under me and he said, "What are you doing?" With a sly smile curling up towards me. His eyes were still closed and he brushed the skin around my hips, wanting me, too. "I want you," I said as he slipped inside me, without a thought. I heard his breath out turn to a gasp. He grabbed me and moved me, I sat up tall. I could feel him suddenly about to erupt and I said, "wait, no!" 

I was back. 

And subsequently, back. 

I blinked a few times. I understood what it was. For what it was. The feeling lingered. I locked it in a box. I did my duties. I carried the box around all day. For moments. I wondered. I consider my delusions. My fantasies. The stories I can carry with me all day. The feelings I get. The moments. I wonder what to do with them. I carry the box and I wait until the moment when I can empty it out. Pull the memory out and lay it down, just as if it was a real story. Just as if I could have been someplace else. In another world. Another time. Another place. Someone else. Who knows how deep I go at times. It feels so real sometimes, I wonder if anyone else feels it too. 

There were brief times. Moments. Where I wondered. I felt as if... ...but no. It couldn't be. He's long gone. Probably another state by now. Who knows. Maybe he never left. Maybe he changed addresses and phone numbers and moved across the country. Texas is far enough. I wouldn't be surprised. You're no good, you're no good, you're no good. I live in the clouds. In spiritual limbo. No matter how hard I stay grounded, he sneaks his way back in. Of the two of us, I am the one that is more inclined to act on it. Always chasing what is right in front of me. I stopped chasing. I stopped. I focused. I told myself what I would do and I am doing it. I have goals. I'm checking them off one by one. I can't help it if I have lucid dreams that suggest otherwise. 

Maybe I need a break. I have one coming. I should just drive off for awhile. Fuck around and be alone. I can't tell if that's exciting or terrifying. I just don't know anything anymore. I've been alone for years. I guess you could quip, my whole life. I was always searching and I found him. I found him with my pieces. I gave his back. I took mine. Circling quasars for too long. I was an asshole. But, so was he. I just want something normal. I can't just find a decent human being, I guess. I just need to be in a constant state of waiting. Whether I like it or not. 

I take the small victories. The times when I get close and you get closer. I stare and wonder, but not too deeply at the time. Because. I guess I'm an adult now. I guess I'm mature now. I guess I just lay to one side of my bed and feel like someone is next to me and I feel as though there is a ring on my finger at times. I wonder in those moments, was it me? Was it you? Was it just how things are? It was never about who it was that took your place. It was always that I was searching for you and didn't find you until we were both at extremes. The times our paths crossed were moments when everything sucked butt. When life was so horrible and stupidly chaotic. Then I saw you and that was where you were. Just there. The chaos settled and then you were gone. Like before. Like always. Bon Voyage. *Salute*

Now let me live my life. 

I'm ready for the real thing.