Pennyroyal Tea

 I tossed. I turned. I couldn't fucking sleep. I kept thinking about things out of control. Out of my control. I dreamed. I dreamed of a bad place. I was there. It was like I was you and your dad is a fucking joke and I couldn't stand the way I looked up to him when I was you. When I felt like you were young and following him around like a sad fucking puppy. I wanted to kick myself. You. I wanted you to wake up. Other people thought he was such a dick. Such a fucking goddamn twat. You just smiled up at him. Like a fucking dope, I looked up at him and grinned like a fucking little idiot kid. Because. I did too.

I woke up and I had a message and I was in a trance and I didn't know what to think because if it was something to take seriously- then you would have just been a dead fucking body on the floor and I would never hear from you again. I felt more like helpless than anything else. I offered what I could. I thought about how busy I am and when I skim the words and I just fucking write too much for you to read and I don't want to stifle myself, but I also don't have the fucking answers, man. I just don't. I'm sorry I don't.

I thought that it was the day. THE DAY. It's been over a week. almost a week and a half. 10 days. ish. It's been long enough that I forgot that sometimes you smell like vanilla from the lotion by the sink and sometimes you smell like soap, too and I like when you pass by and smell good and I wonder if you smell me too. I miss thinking of things to say and saying nothing at all, because my face gets a little pink at the thought of saying anything at all. Sometimes you raise and wiggle your eyebrows at me or you smile and I just always smile back because you are cute and I like your big brown eyes that are magnified by your glasses. But, then I think about how you are just too cute and your hair is a little too shiny and soft and perfect and I just say nothing and turn up my music louder because, somehow I'm a little kid again and I forget how to people. But none of it matters. Because, you aren't back yet. It's not the day. It's another day. Another waiting day. Another day to anticipate the fact that you aren't here and it'll be more weird when you are. Fuck crushes.

I text him and he always replies and I try to stick to class because if I don't then I don't know what that will make me. I find him on the screen and I watch him sometimes. I see when he texts me back and laughs at my jokes and he does the same, at least it seems that way. Since he said he saw me smiling about a text he sent once. Which made me smile more. 

The next night I tossed and turned and I was next to a brick facade. It had vines growing through the windows and I felt like I didn't like my mom as much, even though I didn't have an issue with her personally, you just really don't love your mom as much as your dad- which is fucking stupid because your dad is an asshole. But, your mom, she was there and I just wanted to look through the top windows, as you. I felt like I should be able to just float up there and look through the space where the windows once were, because you felt like a god. A tiny little asshole god. And I did too.

I feel like I'm in a weird mood again. This time I'm stuck more in a staring space. I just am lost. I need to daydream, but it makes it worse. I turn up my music really loud. You are back and you are tan and I wanted to ask how your trip was but I say nothing instead. I hear you clicking the snaps behind my desk and I wish I had a reason to turn around, but I just don't. Your coat is gone, the space beneath your name is vacant and I let it go. You just aren't here. I'm not here. Nothing is real and I just feel like maybe I'll just sink myself into labs and homework and emails and I do all the things I can so I can have a little bit of familiarity when my friend is back at his desk. Can I have just one moment to say hello and joke? I just don't know anymore.

I watch him on video and I laugh at his very cool demeanor, just like I do the day of the recording. Sometimes, I just leave the videos playing because his voice soothes me and I swear it helps me get through all the math problems. I don't know what I'll do if I won't be able to see him again. Will it be good because then it's a different dynamic or is it bad because then I just won't see him ever again? I can't decide and I let it go. I look for my friend in the videos and we are both less chatty because if we keep being so chatty it's probably going to make it weird. 

I'm glad because I get to see you both in person and I only embarrass myself for a small moment. We get a third person in our group and it's like he doesn't exist most of the time and I feel like he senses it too. There's some familiarity between us and he backs up a bit, resting against the pillar and we flow together working nicely and evenly paced. I hear him drumming and I feel like chiming in, but I don't, because I've had two beers and I need to remember probably no one else has. Well. Maybe my one lab partner. He seems to be on my level. Maybe he's buzzed, too. I think about how he seems like he needs a shower and a shave and maybe to work out a bit, too, even though two days ago I thought on video he looked strong and I wanted to reach out and touch his arms. It's just the way things are sometimes. I look up and realize it was because the drumming stopped. I catch him looking at me and he quickly looks the other way. I wonder what that means. What does anything mean? I wish I could read other people's minds sometimes. Maybe it would make things feel less strange. I feel people like I can read them, but it's not always what people are thinking. I get misread a lot. I can't be perfect at reading people. 

I linger and realize there's a weird vibe. Like. I should. Leave. So, I do. I smile and say goodbye. I linger in the parking lot, too. I guess I had a whole fantasy story in my mind, like I do with everything, and this doesn't fit my narrative, so I linger in case it might. It doesn't and I go home. I blast my music loud and I sing out loud and I wonder what world I live in. And why no one else is here. It's a good world, my dudes.

I slept better the next night. I think I got you out of my head. You and your stupid dickhead of a dad and your well meaning mom who is a bit sloppy for no fucking reason and way too fucking loud. Dammit. I hated being you as a kid. You were filled with love, but it was always misguided and naive- but in a horrible way that I didn't like or relate to. Ugh. I hate this feeling. It's like I know you are getting to me and I fucking hate myself for letting you in, but I was dreaming and how the hell can anyone help when they are that vulnerable??? 

There's a meeting today and I forgot. I get a reason to ask you how you are. I rehearse it over and over in my head and it makes it worse. Everyone is ready to go and I run to grab my coat and you sit at your desk and I think- maybe you aren't even going to be at the meeting... That would be just perfect. I think about asking but I zoom by instead. I get my coat and as I'm still in my head I see you heading towards me. Like a mirror that we reach the threshold together. I start to say something and you do too, and I don't think either of us register it and we move on. We go in and it's a meeting. I stand opposite to you for a time and I try not to look at you. What if I do you and you see me? I think for a second, is that even a bad thing? Who fucking cares. I am getting way too in my head about this BUT THIS IS WHAT I FUCKING DO. You see me looking in your direction and I make a point to be curious BEHIND you because I feel like an idiot but I try not to. I was sort of curious what those people were doing. They looked like they had a very tiny rice cooker and I feel like whatever it was, it couldn't be a terrible job to push a cart around and clean a hood and press a few buttons on a mini rice cooker and record the results or whatever they were doing. I wasn't in the slightest bit interested in standing any longer, but I kept on doing it. I saw my friends walk by a few times and you caught me looking at them, too. I get that you are observant and that makes it harder to catch a glimpse at you. I study everyone else. I notice that out of the nine of us, three are wearing "sensible" shoes, four are wearing athletic sneakers with skinny jeans (which makes me uncomfortable) and then there's me and you in shitty, worn out Vans. Its just the next pair of shoes I had to slip on that are shitty enough to wear in the lab everyday and I wonder if you have the same thoughts when you look beyond me and I realize staring at your feet is just as weird. I rehearse asking you how you are and your trip and then I'm remembering that when I think about walking, I start walking weird. I feel like I study people all day that I suddenly forget who I am and then I am waiting to talk to athletic shoes and lots of stringy hair and big teeth and beautiful in a natural way and you are too and then I just get weird and my face gets red because you are watching me speak and I'm trying not to look at you and I get big eyes and lift my hands up to my face to hide and pass it off as making a dumb documentation error and I'm glad you have an actual reason to talk to her, too. It's probably more important and I feel less dumb standing there asking for something so simple. I wanted to ask and I just didn't.

I focus on my lab and I do my best not to be annoyed but, I just fucking am. Sometimes your video isn't on and I miss seeing your face. I wonder if I should text you when I get a little pissed. I forget. Did I? 

The next night, I only woke up once. I felt much better. I think I finally stopped dreaming. Or maybe I just started dreaming about him again. I just hate not being myself in my dreams sometimes. It's only when I'm people I don't want to be, I suppose. 

I'm happy. I turn up my music louder and louder and I want to talk but I decide I just don't care either way. I find a new conversation to relate to a friend and we talk inspirational things about folklore and books and she remembers things and so do I and it's been awhile since I was able to just talk about things that interest me and I'm glad for it. I wonder if you are listening to our conversation. I usually listen, if I can, so I assume you are, too. I talk about things and I glance over and you are like a statue, waiting. I wanted to ask again. I muster up to ask for a work related thing. I ask for a mutual return. I chickened out. It's okay though. You didn't linger. You didn't seem to care whether I had something to say or not. Later I hear about the backwards hat and I wonder if that's about the group with the cart and the guy with the backwards hat that looked ALMOST like the one guy out of the corner of my eye (who I learned is named, Dylan, who comes to the lab everyday and I don't mind having a crush on him, too, though it's solely on looks and absolutely nothing else). He doesn't look unadventurous, but you don't look to be either, dude. I only recently learned you are more interesting than I anticipated. But the most I've ever said to him was that I needed him to take out the full carboy and that's not enough of a reason to have a crush on someone, but I do it anyways. I decide later to reach out. I figure. Maybe he will never answer. And then I'll just die knowing I tried. Even though my words never came through my mouth. I asked. It took three days. But. I asked how your fucking trip went.  

You say my name in the video and I'm startled, in a good way. I wonder why you chose to say it, it wasn't necessary. I don't even smile, I just go right into thinking mode and then I realize, I'm in class though, so I keep going. I pay attention. I think I did anyways. 

I can't help but scroll for too long. Looking for someone who looks like you and that is only satisfying in a weird fucked up way. I hate these days. When I long and need and I can't figure out if I'm helping my brain forget you in a healthy way or not. It hasn't come up in a long time and I'm fine with it. It just seems like it's been a year since I began to get over you and I've come a long way, so please fuck off now. Thank you. 

I still chase after dreams with people I can't be with. It's people who have questionable sexuality lines. Or they are married. Or I work with them. I can't win. I want people I can't have. I struggle to make a correlation. I do it to myself. But.... why? Do I really want to be alone that badly? I don't think I don't deserve any of them... I deserve to be happy. I truly believe that. 

Don't I?

Do I?

You want me to be someone for you and I can't. I think about how I love you and it's not the same and you know it now, and I'm sorry for that, too. Because, I want to want to help you, but I know it's not help and what can I even do? I think about how I can comfort you. But. If I do it will mean more to you than me. Or it'll be different and I just can't. I won't. I'm sorry.