I appear. I am sitting at a desk. It's a computer, a small section of a larger desk. There's an aisle next to me. To my right. Theres empty desks next to me. I suddenly realize it is wet. My chair reminds me of the plastic, bright colored chairs from elementary school. The ones they make you sit in for hours and hours and they are uncomfortable. Sadists. I realize it's raining. It's pouring, actually. I'm inside and looking at a black screen on my desk and it's pouring. The rain is bouncing off the space that is my cubicle. I look around. I blink my eyes, my hair a soppy wet hat clinging to my cheeks. I don't feel cold. It's warm water, it feels nice, actually. Cleansing. I look at the corner opposite me and it's a whirlpool of sorts. I realize that there is a snorkel popping up from under the desk. The water is white and pink. The air is pink. It feels like dusk. The sunset is coming in through the window and the water is foamy and white. I can't see through it, it's pouring still. It's thrashing, but it's light somehow. It feels like silk on my skin and I don't feel alarmed. Even though its pouring inside. I see him and I know who it is immediately. He is thrashing around like he is drowning, but he is safe. Swimming and breathing through his snorkel. I start to laugh. I describe it to someone else who just walked into the cubicle. I watch his arms wave around as he catches the right angle on the whirlpool and rides it silently, without thrashing.
I don't have it. I don't have it and I never did. Or maybe you thought so. You wanted me to. I guess that is the sting of it? I couldn't explain why it just wasn't there for me. Why I couldn't bring myself to... why it just... wasn't there.
You persisted though.
You kept trying. Or just fell into being okay with my comfort, as little as it was for you. I don't know. I felt selfish a lot of the times. I felt like I was holding onto something that wasn't mine. I knew it and I decided to do it anyways. I wanted you to be happy.
I just always wanted to have it come alive. Spark. Set something that wasn't there free... But. It just wasn't there. I proved that time and time again. With an ache that I set to other people. Ones that I wanted. Ones that wanted me, but in a different way. Or the same one. But more temporary, I suppose.
I wanted to just... see you happy. It wasn't going to be me. It never was going to be me.
But, now that you are, my fears have come true. You set me aside like I never existed. You have a one track mind and it's not about me. I never wanted it to be all about me, but I don't like it never being even sometimes about our friendship. I hope it wasn't always about me when we were close. I didn't want to torture you. I hope you weren't. I suppose you were anyway. In some way. With the need. The desire. The pull to love and no one to dote on. I guess I got that sometimes. When you couldn't stand it anymore. Not doting. I grew a lot because of it. I learned.... I was worth doting on. That I was worth spending time on. That there were good men, ones who just... waited for the right person.
But, it feels a bit.... sad. I'm sad as hell. I feel like I lost my best friend. All over again. I know I didn't this time. It's not the same. More like... You'll be around when you can. When you choose to remember I exist. It still hurts. Stings a little. I'm happy that you are happy. I want you to be happy. But, I'm sad that it comes with the price of feeling like I don't have you as a close friend anymore. I would give up the friendship entirely for you to be happy. I already am, I suppose.
Is this what it will feel like when my babies get their first partners? Will I be so happy that they are happy but ache deep in my heart that it means a piece I held on to must be let go? That they will need that back to put it all into someone else. Knowing, heartbreak for them will slash harder. Watching my heart outside my body break. Nothing I can do, but wait. And watch. And ache.
It's a cruel and merciful twist in the plot to find someone, too. Someone I suppose. I don't know why, but I'm not scared. I'm not holding back. I am... just... letting life happen. I guess that comes with experience. Allowing things to heal and setting their courses how they may. Why is it that we remember the journey so harshly to enjoy the spoils of war? See the trash so we can appreciate the treasure?
I never know. I never know how things just come out. How they sound until later. I may be just talking. Venting. I don't know. I never do. I like when I am more articulate and I can use colors and paint pictures with my words. Today just feels... hot. It's so damn humid and I'll take the cool breeze. I remember what it's like to have a reprieve. I ask and I get it and I just need to be specific I guess. I just... do the things and I ask and I do the things.
The storm has left the sidewalk clear. Its still wet out, but it's pretty. It's not nearly as hot, but not cold either. The bushes are filled with peonies. Perfect oak trees stand fifty feet apart, separating driveways and neighbors. The trees border the streets and I suck in that air. The petrichor is strong, but sweet.
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