I've Been Tired

 I drink too much coffee. I never thought it would be me. That I would be overcaffienated. But, here I am. 35 and I twitch while I'm doing things that are too "slow." I tap to music I can't even hear. I tap to the music I do. I wait and the silence overtakes me and I sing out loud and I still want to knock your feet over. I see how you lay your feet and the way you stretch your legs. I hum an entire song. It makes me overwhelmingly sad. I still feel things. I don't talk about it. No one asks. I don't try to let anyone know. I feel fucking sad, man. I do. I really thought it was going somewhere. Wait and see. Wait and watch them disappear. I just don't know why I even bother. I try and I try all my life and here I am. Staring at the dirty tiles wondering why I've been staring at the same fucking floor all my life. There should be an outlaw on shitty floors. At least I get to sit down, now. I'm an old crone, I need a place to rest my bones. Even if that one chair is so short I can't press my thigh under the cabinet and have control. I don't have control and I let it overtake me. I laugh and slide away. I just slowly sweep off to the side and over compensate. With my shaking hands. Damn caffeine. Fuck it. I quit. Fuck this. I quit! I don't even think it matters anymore. Should have probably guessed you're gay. But, I'm stupid. I'm a romantic. I just look into those eyes and I just die again and again and again. I like the stupid fucking gold flecks in your eyes. And how white your teeth are. And I love getting to know you more and more and I hate it, too. I say it out loud. I hate it. I think you're so fucking stupid. Because, you aren't mine and you won't ever be. Because I dunno. I like the things you tell me. They are so fucking stupid and I love them all. All the tidbits that mean nothing to anyone, but you alone. You probably tell everyone. I won't ever get it. I just never will. I am not ever allowed. Isn't that just the tragedy of life? That I will just walk this life alone because I chose to stop and say, I deserve better. But I never get anything any better because its like cheating fate- it's already been decided. I caught on too early and I was too smart, but not smart enough to get a better man. Or a man I want. Or the one that I think about jumping a little too much, because, why would I? Why would that be what I get? Just. I'm just impatiently waiting for my brain to catch up. To figure it all out. Or waiting for the fates to give me what I fucking figured out I deserve. 

I know you hear me, bitch.

Everything is different. I feel a bit fragile. But in a way that I feel as though there's a paved path for me. Just waiting. And the silence. The silence. The silence overtakes me and I let it. I just let it. It's just there because. I don't know. Honestly. Is this what it feels like to have normal parents? To grow up normally? To go to college and get the education you deserve without having to worry about money or I dunno. Childhood trauma. It just seems like a weird dream. But. I deserve it. And I take it. When it's just presented to me and laying there and waiting. I did need these things, thank you. I feel almost. I dunno. Selfish? But... is it? Is it selfish to just.... take what is mine? What I earned? What I deserve? I guess all that trauma will lay it into me that I don't deserve it, real quick. 

But.

Fuck it.

I'm taking it.

It's mine.

Fuck.

I should be nicer about it all, too. 

The well has been waiting all this time. Just gathering all the thoughts. All the feelings. All the things that I couldn't fathom. Just waiting. Filling up with all the treasures to let them go at another time. For when I was ready. For when I could. For when I wanted to try again. To dip into the well and find shelter, comfort. To bathe in the light of the silver lining. 

Here I am, with my hand.

Set it all ablaze and watch the world burn from the edge of my nose. Just lead the knowledge to the next town over. Start over. Tame the lion. Tame the flame, become the mother of all that is on fire, ride it out until the skin falls off of me and I start anew. A bright new babe in the furnace. In the well. The one that was waiting for me all along. The phoenix in the flames, I remember. I remember, I grow and I keep going and you think I die and you forget and I keep going and I remember. Always. I always remember. 

I tap and tap and tap and the song changes and I don't like it, but I can't do anything about it. It's dead. My watch died. I just have to sit here and take it. Just listen to the song that I don't like. Stare at the metallic box that encloses my sterile hands and stare at it, just waiting until I can sing again.